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Full text of "National Lampoon Magazine 1975-05"

Medicine 



The Nati 



May 197 




Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc 






You can't expect 

great music, 

unless you have a 

great music system, 



(ID PIONEER 

when you want something better 




You are about to read 

the most exciting offer ever made 

on a great music system. 



Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



Now! Own a Pioneer 4- 

system at subsl 



Never before has a Pioneer quadra- 
phonic music system been available 
at such an unbelievably low price. 

As ihe leading high fidelity 
craftsmen in the world, Pioneer has 
assembled a superb quality 4-channel 
music system that includes everything 
you need for unlimited enjoyment in 
the new and exciting world of 
4-channel sound. 

The control center of this 
spectacular system is the Pioneer 
QX-646 4-channel receiver. It places 
at your fingertips every form of music 
known to man. And the beauty part is 
that you get flawless reception of 
4-channel and 2-channel FM broad- 
casts, records and tapes, as well as 
AM programs, just by turning a 
selector switch. It's that simple. 

There's also four magnificent 
sounding Pioneer Project 60 loud- 
speakers that faithfully reproduce the 
complete tonal range of the human 
voice as well as every instrument in 
an orchestra. 

Pioneer completes this excep- 
tional system with their PL-10 record 



player. This professional qualify 
turntable plays all 33% and 45 rpm 
records. Its specially designed tone- 
arm comes completely equipped with 
a 4-channel cartridge, including a 
diamond stylus. 

For the technically-inclined, this 
versatile system is able to handle all 
types of currently-available quad 
program material: GD-4 discrete 
4-channel, SQ matrix 4-channel and 
regular matrix (QS) 4-channeL No 
external decoders or other adaptors 
are required, One front-panel mode 
selector and the sophisticated 
internal electronic circuitry do it all. 

Take advantage of this one time offer 
and save over $225* 

We urge you to hear this incom- 
parable music system as soon as 
possible. Selected Pioneer dealers 
in your area are presenting this 
sensational limited time system offer 
at savings of more than $225*. 
Don't pass up this unique opportunity 
to own a gr&at 4-channel music 
system at a great price. 



These quality components can add extra enjoyment 

to your Pioneer 4-channel high fidelity music system, 

or to any system you may already own. 



Here are jttst a few of the quality 
components available to increase the 
versatility of this magnificent system. 
RT-1020L Open Reel Tape Deck. 
Records stereo programs and plays 
back 2-channel and 4-channel tapes. 
Endless hours of listening pleasure 
with 1016 -inch reels. $649.95. Other 
studio-quality models from $599.95. 
CT-7171 Stereo Cassette Deck. 
The finest performing cassette deck in 
its price range. Maximum convenience 




with all controls and illuminated 
cassette compartment on front panel. 
Can be stacked above or beneath 
other components. Many professional 
type features, including Dolby noise 
reduction system. $369,95. Other 
models from $179.95. 
5E-5Q5 Stereo Headphones. 
Enjoy hours of outstandingly natural 
sound in complete privacy. Volume 
and tone controls on each kid soft 
earpiece. 16Vz-foot coil cord and 
permanent storage case, $59.95, 
Complete selection of Pioneer head- 
phones starting at $24.95. 





U.S. Pioneer Electronics Corp., 75 Oxford Drive, Moonachie, N J 07074 

WesL 13300 S. Estrella, Los Angeles 90248 t Midwesi: 1500 Greenleaf. Blk Grove VillEage. III. 6O00V 

Canada: S. H. Parker Co. 

Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 




'The acual selling i 
which represents ft reduction frot 



(--channel high fidelity 
itantial savings. 




fid PIONEER' 



when you want somelhlng better 

ieihng price of this system will be set by individual dealers at their own discretion The manufacturer's augseated resale price is $749.95, 

ion from the original suggested prices of the components sold separately. The suggested resale price of the components aotd 3eparelely was S989.90, 

Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



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THESE PIONEER HIGH FIDELITY DEALERS MAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY POSSIBLE. 



Auburn 
Herbert Music 
Birmingham 
ARC Wldn World 

of Music 
ttuntsville 
HI Fi Int'l Sound 
Sheffield 
Powell Electronics Inc 



Fairbanks 

Hoilt's Music Shop 

ARIZONA 

All Stares of 

Bill's Rcoorda « Audio 

Custom Ht-R Cantor 

Keflllot'i 

Mesa 

Hi Fi Galea, Inc. 

Phoenix 

ABC Wide World of 

Entertainment 
Audio Specialists 
La Belled Dist. 
Scottsdale 
La Belle's Disl. 
Tampe 

Audio Specialists 
Tucson 
Sid's Appliance Center 



Little Reck 
Walloch's TV 
Wynne 

Sounds I nve siments 

CALIFORNIA 

All Stores of 

Cal jtcroo 

Anaheim 

New Sound 

Chi co 

Sound World 

Daly City 

Matthew's 

El Contra 

Radio ShacK 

He met 

National Auto Glass 

LOS to^k-; 

Andes Company 

International TV Corp 

Shelley's Audio 

Montebcllo 

Now Sound 

Monterey 

Gramapnonos R Things 

Redding 

Stereo Tape Centor 

Sacramento 

Handy Andy 

San Francisco 

Macy's 

Santa Ana 

Shelley's Audio 

Santa Monica 

Shelley's Audio 

Van Nuye 

Shelley's Audio 

West Los Angeles 

Now Sound 

Yuba City 

Specialty Stereo 

COLORADO 
All Sti*i' 
Bur»l*in-Appbbue 

Arvada 

Sound Track 

Dunver 

La Belief Dist. 

3DC 

CONN! 

Farmlngton 

Tech TV & Stereo 

Groton 

France Electronics, Inc. 

Meridcn 

Sound of Mueic 

New Haven 

Audio Den, Inc. 



Af lam onto Springs 
Wide World ot Music 
Woltman Masons 
Clearwater 

Towers Distributing Co. 
Deylonn Beech 
Cox's Appliance Cily 
Ft. Lauderdale 
Bell Hi Fi Stores 
Kay's Electronics 
Kennedy & Cohen 
Ft. Walton Beach 
Grice Electronics 



Key Wesl 

Swifl Camera 

Lake Worth 

Sound Shack 

Lakeland 

Dome Eleclronics 

Lauder Hill 

Kay's Electronics 

Miami 

2 1st Century Electronics 

North Miami Beach 

Sound Systems 

Oca la 

Stafford Electronics 

Orlando 

21 stCenturyEleclronics 

Wolfman Mason's 

Panama City 

Grice Electronics 

l'"iiMir:<il;i 
Grlce Electronics 
pomp an o Beach 
Kennedy & Cohen 
Sarasota 
Sound Emporium 
Tampa 

Tampa Storeo 
West Palm Beach 
Kennedy & Cohen 



Prairie Village 
Audio Electronics 
Wichita 
Electronics 



Athens 

Custom Sound 
La Grange 
Audio City 

ILLINOIS 

aii Blom oi 

Music rait 

Pacific Stereo 

Playback 

Team Electronics 

York Elechcmica 

Canton 

Stereo Village 

Chicago 

Ltivll* 

The Warehouse 

Chicago Heights 

Sights & Sounds 

McHenry 

Tone's Music 

Melinc 

Audio Dimensions 

INDIANA 

Anderson 

Sound Enterprises 

Bedford 

who Electronics 

Columbus 

Music Sox 

Crawfordevllle 

Lew's Stereo Shop 

Elkhart 

Sound Mentors 

Tcmplln'fi Music 

Fort Wayne 

Classic Stereo 

York Electronics 

Gary 

Audio Fidelity 

Indianapolis 

Playback 

Jasper 

Sound ot Music 

Kokomo 

Music Machine 

Warehouse Sales 

Lafayette 

C.W.Y. Electronics 

York Electronics 

Michigan City 

Audio Fidelity 

Tri Slate Electrical 

Mishawaka 

Playback 

Tamplin'S 

North Manchester 

Hire Eteclric 

Richmond 

Cornell Appliance 

South Demi 

Sound Masters 

Valparaiso 

Casbon Electric 

West Lafaynite 

C.W.Y. EfeeirnnlcR 

IOWA 

All StOI 

Playback 

Tcnm Electron Ice 

CarlrM 

Cedar Falls 

Sampson's Hi Fi 

Storm Lake 

Ryan's Muslclnnri 

KANSAS 
Alt Sloies nf 
Otuslcm-Af'i" 
Team L'lectrunlci* 



Lexington 

Pin rail's Appliance 

Playback 

l nuhsvilh: 

P. I. Burks Company 

Bacon's 

Bacon's St, Matlliewes 

Dixie Appliance 

Playback 

Shlvely 

Bacon's 

Baton Rouge 

Kadair's 

Lake Charles 

Jay's Siereo 

Mutalrle 

Tape City USA 

Monroe 

Specially Sound 

Shrove port 

Shreveport Refrig. 

MAINE 
Portland 
New England Music 

MARYLAND 
All Stores ol 
AllsmHs Sound 

Catensvlllo 
Stereo Discounters 
Cumberland 
Sound World 
Dundalk 
Stansbury Stereo 

Center 
f.lurnvi 

International Hi Fi 
Timnnfum 
Stereo Discounters 
Wood! awn 
Stereo Discounters 

MASSACHUSETTS 



Boston 

Copley Camera Shop 

Cambridge 

Tweeter, etc. 

Chestnut Kill 

Tweeter, etc, 

Filchburg 

Fitchburg Music Store 

Holyokc 

Paysavei 

Springfield 

Paysavar 

MICHIGAN 
All Slorot Ot 

HiuUl.iurl A( 1 1 

Lninyetiu 

PteywMk 

r<?u. Hi-Fi 

Ann Arbor 

Mr. Music 

Bay City 

Boulevard Electronics 

Coldwalcr 

J, B. Branch 

Dearborn 

Adray Appliance 

Detroit 

Mister Music 

National Gift Shop 

Stereo Cily 

Eacanaba 

Felloe Radio 

Flint 

Boulevard Elec, 

TV Engineers 

Lansing 

Mister Music 

Rogers Dislr. Co, 

Livonia 

Audloland 

Marquette 

Sound Center 

Midland 

Boulevard EJoc- 

Mti Clomcna 

Audioland 

Mt, Pleasant 

Dart Electronics 

Petoskey 

Peloskey Elec. 

Saginaw 

Boulevard Bee, 

Misler Music 



Saint Louis 
Sliiiley'5 Sound 

Connection 
Sault Ste. Marie 
Kings Radio & TV 
Seuthgale 
Brothers Appliance 
Traverse City 
Kuriz Music & Sound 
Wyandotte 
Mister Music 
Siereo City 

MINNESOTA 
All Gloj. 

Bemldji 
Siereo One 
Bralnnrd 
Stereo One 
Brooklyn Center 
La Belle's 
Burnsvillo 
Kennedy A Cohen 
Dulutft 

Sound Arnerica 
Fergus Falls 
Lcyguist Sound 

Idea Slore 
Marshall 

Flash Radio & TV 
Minneapolis 
Audio Kino 
Minnulanka 
La Belle's 
Morr's 
LaygursL Sound 

Idea Store 
Richfield 
la Refle's 
Rosevitle 
Kennedy & Cohen 
St. Paul 
La Belle's 



Pascagoula 
electronics World 



Ballwln 

Flip's Steiuu Place 

Flerrlsant 

Flip's Storoo Place 

Glardoau 

Kemper & UoddAppl. 

Hell Summit 

Summit TV & Sloreo 

Joplln 

Reed Stereo 

Saline 

School Specially 

Supply 
Sedalia 
Luk-Tro-Mek 
York Electronics 
Springfield 
Music World 
Ried Stereo 
Warrensburg 
Warehouse Audio 

MONTANA 
Great Folic 
Team Elec. 
Missoula 
Team Elec, 



Omaha 
Tuam Elec, 



Las Vegas 

Garhimu Music 

Reno 

Musle 'N Things 

NFW HAMPS 

P lei stow 

Ashmont Electronics 

NFW JERSEY 
All 0lef< 
At tin lb sound 
Churchill Slo<eo 
i: J. Korvelton 

Bant Boody'i 

Tech HI-FI 

■ 
flcrnenticld 
Arnco 
Cherry Hill 
Sound Associates 



Eatonlnwn 

U.S. Stereo Center 

Edison 

Music Den 

Elizabeth 

American Recording 

Flanders 

Aero Sound 

New Brunswick 

HI Fi Haven 

North Plainlield 

Siereo Tape Cily 

NortlitielrJ 

Lafayette Radio 

Rainbow Electronics, 

Parsippuny 

Par Tioy Sound Cenler 

Pa I arson 

H Bogard & Co. 

Mamsoy 

Interstate Electronics 

Shrewsbury 

Monmouth Stereo 

Center 
Radio Shack 
Toms River 
Rand Camera 
Totowa 
Arrow Audio 
Washington Township 
Washington Stereo 

Center 
Woo rJb ridge 
Wocdbridge Stereo 

Center 



Albuquerque 
Sound Equipment 
Company 



NFW YORK 

All SlOfBS Ol 

Arrnw Audio 



Albany 

Sounds Great 

8 nit) win Place 

Radio Shack 

Bay Shore 

World Audio 

Bronx 

Cam Electronics 

Brooklyn 

UesJgnors Audio 

Mateco Electronics 

Municipal Radio 

Bulla I o 

Purchase Radio 

Coming 

Chemung Electronics 

FJmlm 

Chemung Electronics 

Free perl 

World Audio 

Hlcksvllki 

Electronic City, Inc. 

Herkimer 

Valley Stereo Center 

llhaca 

Stereo Shack 

Kan mere 

Stereo Shack 

Manhattan 

Arrow Audio 

Atlantis Sound 

Uorger's 

Churchill Stereo 

Harvey Sound 

E, J. Korvettes 

Leonard 

Macy's 

Morel Electronics 

Packard Electronics 

Sound a Sight 

Sam Goody 

Tech HI Fi 

Willoughby/Peerless 

New Paltr 

Vista Camera 

Newburgh 

Vista Camera 

Niagara Falls 

Market Radio 

patnhngue 

Square Deal 

Plttsford 

Mayaard's 

Bockville canter 

RockviHe Hi H 

Roosevelt Field 

Audio Exchange 

Scaretfale 

Forbees 

Syracuse 

Gordon Elec Ironies 

Sounds Grtial 



Ton a vr and a 
Pur chase Radio 
V/efil Sanaca 
purchase Radio 
Whtte Plains 
Westchesier Siereo 
Yenkers 
Westchester Stereo 

NORTH CAROLINA 

All Stores of 
Ailunihi Sound 

NORTH DAKOTA 
*Ml Sim 

i:tronlci 
Bismarck 
Music City 
Grand Forks 
Mr. Music Man 
Wtllisten 
Ruos Nelson Appliance 



All Ston 

Burswiin-np[»i 

Tim 

Lawton 

Hiiwkln's TV 

Norman 

Thompson's Sound 



Akron 

Auto Home Stereo 

Olson Electronics 

All fence 

Sound World 

Canton 

Auto Home Stereo 

Walkeradlo 

Cincinnati 

HI Fi Audio 

SWallon'ri 

Cleveland 

B & B Appliance 

Olson Electronics 

Columbus 

Sun TV 

Di*yton 

Budeo Sales 

Custom Electronics 

East livorpen! 

TV Parts 

Fflltborn 

Custom Elecimnlcs 

Fremont 

American Audio 

HoMansburg 

Dpvis TV 

Kent 

Custom Sounds 

Mansfield 

Serve* Electronics 

Marion 

Sorvex Electronics 

Newark 

Sun TV 

Hew Philadelphia 

Lahmer's TV 

Morthwood 

Misler Music 

Sandusky 

SorveK Electronics 

Sheffield Lake 

1.L.G.TV 

Sprlngiield 

Custom Eleclronics 

sytvanra 

Mister Music 

Toledo 

Jamie son Hi Fi 

Burs te in Apple bee 

Warran 

Custom Sounds 

Wooster 

Serves: Electronics 

Yeungfilown 

CiEstom Sounds 



9«nd 

Bend Sound Center 

Corvatlis 

0,S,u. Bookstores 

Eugene 

Thompson's Lafayette 

Med ford 

Larson's AppJianoc 

Salem 

Shogren's 

AN1A 

e« nt 

Allentewn 

The Eastern Lighl Co. 

High Fidelity House 

Altnf.tiii 

6ook and Record 

Erie 

Mssce Electronics 



Greansburg 
Pals Sinrpo 
Meadvlne 
Mace Electronics 
Natrona His. 
Sound Shack 
Philadelphia 
Radio 437, Inc, 
Pittsburgh 
Sound World 
Rock wood 
Phlllippi Dec. 
Sharon 
Siereo Shop 
Spring House 
Sound Login 
Unioniown 
Sound World 

RHODE ISLAND 

E. Providence 
Impulse Inc. 
Woonsocket 
Listening Post 



Chattanooga 

Capital Audio Visuals. 

Clarksvllla 

Radio Shack 

Knexvilte 

England Sound, Inc; 

Memphis 

Modern Music 



AmarJNe 

Capitol Electronics 

Austin 

Texas Stereo 

Beaumont 

Dyer Electronics 

Fingor's Furniture 

Sterling Electronics 

Corpus Christ! 

Tape Town 

Houston 

Custom HI Fi 

Finger's Furniture 

Sterling Electronics 

Lubbock 

Edward's Electronics 

Odessa 

Tape Town 

South Houston 

Sterling Electronics 

Victoria 

Pan Is Eleclronics 



Bountiful 

Circle Snund 

Salt Lake City 

inkley T s 

La Belle's Hist. 



All Sttirev of 
Atlantis Sound 



WASHINGTON 

LSollincjham 

Quad Corner 

Lacey 

Roberta & Company 

Olympic 

Music Bar 

Seatlte 

American Mercantile 

ABC Wide World of 

Entertainment 
Jafco 

Pearl Eleclronics 
Spokane 
Huppin's HI FI 
1 acom a 
LakeiA^od Vfim sroroo 

NOTOM, D.C. 

Atlantis Sound 
George's 

naiNfA 

Huntington 
Mack and Daves 
Parkersburg 
Tape Mall 
Morgantown 
Sound World 

WISCONSIN 
aji storm oi 

Pfavl' 

Ashweubenon 

Kohl's Lombardi Plaza 

Green Bay 

A. B. Communicaiion/ 

Hf Fi Hesven 

Madison 

American TV 

Milwaukee 

Port of Sound 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 






The whole neighborhood 

wondered what Frank Mallon 

was up to in his workshop. 



Word had it he was up to something mighty peculiar, 
And when he didn't show up for bowling practice one 
Wednesday night, the Wabash Cannonballs (that was the 
name of his neighborhood team) began to wonder, too, 

So it was that a bunch of the boys de- 
cided to pay Lheii "sLar*" a visit, and talk him out 
of his workshop and back into action. 

It didn't happen that way, though. 

Matter of Fact, it was Frank Mallon who 
talked the Wabash Cannonballs out of their 
bowling night and down into his workshop. 
What was it . . .what could be exciting enough to 
keep a bunch ot ten-pin tigers from their favorite 
pastime? One of the most fascinating learn-at- 
home programs in the world, that's what! 

Actually build and experiment 
with the new generation color TV in Bell 
& Howell Schools 1 fascinating learn-at- 
home program. It will help you develop 
new occupational skills as an electronics 
troubles hooter. 

You'll set up your own electronics lab- 
oratory to learn first-hand, the technology be- 
hind such innovations as digital-display wrist- 
watches and tiny pocket calculators. 

In fact, as part of the program, you'll 
actually build and experiment with a 25" di- 
agonal color TV incorporating digital features. 

But most important of all will be the 
new skills youll develop all along the way, , . the kind of skills 
that could lead you in exciting new directions. While we 
cannot offer assurance of income opportunities, once you Ve 
completed the program you can use your training 1 , 

1 . To seek out a job in the electronics industry. 

2. To upgrade your current job. 

3. As a foundation for advanced programs In electronics. 

Go exploring at home, In your spare time. 
Mo traveling to class. Mo lectures. No one looking 
over your shoulder. 

Bell & Howell Schools wants to introduce you to the 
modern way to learn. It means youll be able to develop new 
skills in your own home on whatever days and hours you 
choose. So you don't have to give up your present job or 
paycheck just because you want to learn new occupational 
skills. 

Whaf s more, we believe that when youVe exploring 
a field as fascinating as electronics, reading about it is ju&t 
not enough. 

Thai's why you'll get lots o( "hands on" experience 
with soi iik of the rnosl impressive electronic training tools 
you've ever seen. 



1 




1 


1 
5:39=03 




On-^tnnin digital <Jivk 


1 




IH 


S-1B-UB 





Ciwintid number that fcish on U>e =rcit* n 



ALJioinaHc preset cteural selector 



Mo electronics background necessary. 

That's one of the advantages of this program. Wc 
start you off with the basics and help you work your way up, 
one step at a time. In fact, with your first lesson you receive a 
Lab Staiter Kit to give you immediate working experience on 
equipment 

You build and perform exciting experiments 
with Bell & Howell's Electro-La I/, an exclusive 
electronics training system* 

First comes the design console. After you 
assemble it, you'll be able to set up and examine circuits 
without soldering. 

Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc, 



Next, you II put together a digital multimeter. This 
instrument measures voltage, current and resistance, and 
displays its findings in big, clear numbers like 
on a digital clock, 

Then comes the solid-state "triggered 
sweep 1 ' oscilloscope. An instrument similar in 
principle to the kind used in hospital operating 
rooms to monitor heartbeats. You'll use it to 
analyze the "heartbeats" of tiny integrated 
circuits. The "triggered sweep ' Feature locks in 
signals for easier observation. 

You'll build and work with 
Bell & Howcirs new generation color TV.., 
investigating digital features youVe 
probably never seen before! 

This 25" diagonal color TV has digital 
features that are likely to appear on all TV's of 
the future. 

As you build it you'll probe mto the 
technology behind all-electronic tuning. And 
into the digital circuitry of channel numbers that 
appear right on the screen 1 . You'll also build in a 
remarkable on thc-screen digital clock that will 
flash the time in hours, minutes and seconds. 

And you'll program a special 
automatic channel selector to skip over "dead" 
channels and go directly to the channels of 
your choice. 
You'll also gain a better understanding of the 
exceptional clarity of the Black Matrix picture tube, as well 
as a working knowledge of "state-of-the-art" integrated 
circuitry and the 100% solid-state chassis. 

After building and experimenting with this TV, you'll 
be equipped with the kinds of skills that could put you ahead 
of the field in electronics know-how. 

We tr/ to give more personal attention 
than other learn-at-home programs. 

1 . Toll-free phone-in assistance. Should you ever 
run into a rough spul r we'll be there to help. While many 
schools make you mail in your questions, we have a toll-free 
line for questions that can't wait, 

2. In-person "help sessions". These are held in 50 
major cities at various times throughout the year, where you 
can talk shop with your instructors and fellow students, 

bo take a tip from Frank Mallon. Find 
out more about the first learn-at-home program 
that could stir up your neighborhood! 

Mail this postage-paid card today 
for full details! 

Taken for vocational purposes, this 
program is approved for Veterans 1 Benefits. 




a 



If earn has been removed, writes 

At) Electronics Home Study School 
OfcURY INSTITUTE OF TFCHnntDGY 

riNl Ol mi 

BELL & HOWELL SCHDDLS 

4141 Beimonl tjh,f.uju IM<f«Q*S'£Q(S4-1 



Electro-Lab " Is a registered U ademaik 
of the Bell & Howell Company. 



696R3 




Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



am 



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is d. 



EMM 



Blue Cross in Peace and War, 32 

By Tony Fiend ra 

National Scar, 41 

By Gerald Smsrrum 

Another Cock Tale, 45 

By Chris MfflCT 

Terminal Flatulence, 47 

By Tony Hendta, Sean Kelly, and John Weidman 

Acnepuncture, 53 

By DoviR Kenney and Wayne \U Lough I in 

Blood Test, 54 

By Shary Fieri ni ken 

The Adventures of Rabbi Birdman, 56 

By Bobby London 

Hospital Forms, 59 

By P. J. O'Rourkf 

Medical Privilege Kit, 63 

By P. J O'Rourke 

Another True-Life Pretty Face in the Field of Medicine, 67 

By M . K. Brown 

Comedies, 69 

Bv Charles Rodriguez 



trier i rue-Lire fr 



ie hieia ot 




Coma Magazine, 73 

Sean Kelly, John VVetdxnan, Doug tienncy. 

Our Wonderful Bodies, 85 

By Brian McConnaehie 

Frankenstein, 108 

By Lcc Rosen bl air 



® 



;iud Hcnr 



Beard 




IMP' 



Letters, 7 

Editorial, 10 

Baba Rum Raisin, 12 

News, 17 

Canadian Corner, 20 

Plugola, 22 

True Facts, 24 

Dr. Cipher, 29 

Foto Funnies, 58, 101 

Funny Pages, 89 



NATIONAL LAMPOON® MAGAZINE; "National Lampoon" is a registered 
trademark of National Lampoon, inc. The Lampoon name is used with' the 
permission Of (he Harvard Lampoon, Inc. Copyright C 1975, National Lampoon, 
Inc., 635 Madison Avenue, Ne* YOfh, N.Y, 10032, All rights reserved. Nothing 
may be reprinted m whole or in part without written permission from ihe 
publisher. Any similarity to real people and places in fiction and sernifiction 
is purely coincidental. SUBSCRIPTIONS: Published monthly by National 
Lampoon, Inc.. 635 Madison Avenue, New York. NY. 10032. S7.95 paid annual 
subscription, S13.25 paid two year subscription, and S18.0G paid three year 
subscription in territorial LJ,S, Additional ST .00 for Canada and Mextco S2.Q0 
for foreign. Second class postage paid at Now York, N.Y., and additional mail* 
ing offices. 



CHANGE OF ADDRESS: Subscriber please send change of address 
to Circulation Manager, National Lampoon Magazine. 635 Madison Avenue, 
New York, NY. 10022, Be sure to give old address, new address, arid zip code 
for both Allow sjx weeks lor change. P05TMA5TEH; Please mail Form 3579 
notices to: Circulation Manager, National Lampoon Magazine, €35 Madison 
Avenue, New York, NY. ADVERTISING INFORMATION; Contact Advertising 
Director. National Lampoon Magazine, 635 Madison Avenue, New York* N,Y. 
1Q022, or call (212) 688 4070. EDITORIAL INFORMATION: Contact Submis- 
sions Editor. National Lampoon Magazine, 635 Madison Avenue, New York, 
N.Y. 10022, or call (212) 688 4070- Return postage must accompany ail manu- 
scripts, drawings, and photographs submitted if they are to be returned. 
Publisher assumes no responsibility for unsolicited material. 



NATltlNAl. LAMPfinN 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



Why you should select your turntable 
more carefully than any other component. 



Every component is important 
to the total performance of an 
audio system, but the turntable is 
critical. If is the only component 
that physically handles your 
biggest investment in musical 
enjoyment: your record collection. 

In time, your changing tastes 
con outgrow your present ornpl if ier 
and speakers. But regardless of 
how these components affect the 
reproduction of music, they cannot 
do anything to harm your records. 

Not so the turntable, A 
tonearm that does not allow the 
stylus to track the grooves lightly, 
accurately and with perfect balance 
can turn the sty I us into a destructive 
instrument easily capable of 
lopping off the sharp contours 
which carry the high frequencies, 
When that happens, the clean high 
notes become fuzzy memories. 
Permanently. There's just no way to 
restore a damaged record, Even 
the best equipment can't replace 
notes once they're gone. 

After considering what your 
records require for longevity, you 



should consider what you require 
of operating convenience and 
flexibility. For example, if you don't 
relish risking your stylus and 
records by handling the tonearm 
each time you play a record, you 
will want an automatic turntable. 
And if you desire to play two or 
more records in sequence, you will 
want a turntable with record 
changing ability. 

All Duol turntables easily 
fulfill every requirement for 
record playback and preservation 
—and every requirement for 
user convenience. Which is why 
the readers of the leading audio 
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Duals than any other turn- ] 



tabie. It's also why so many audio 
professionals ore quite satisfied 
with even the lowest-priced Dual. 

Please write for our very 
informative brochures and com- 
plete reprints of independent test 
reports. The morecarefu!iy| 
you read them, the more 
I i kel y you a re to sel ect 
a Dual. Any Dual. 




United Audio Products, Uept. ml 
120 So. Columbus Aw.. 
Mt. Vernon, N.Y. 10553 

EifcltfSMS US Dfeiribgtwi AgefKy for Dual 

Pleose send me your free literature on rum- 
rabies. I won't mind if you include your 
own catalog . 

No n ;e 




GMQGETT A MYR*5 INCOfiP0B*TEO, 1975 



Thoroughbre 



X \ Chesterfield 



C I G A R E 



They satisfied then. 
TKey satisfy now 

For 60 years Chesterfield has enjoyed a reputation 
for making great straight cigarettes. 

Today, we also have a filter cigarette. 
With a rich new filter blend as 
full flavored as all our tobacco 
experience could make it. 

Try new Chesterfield 
filters. 



New \\ 
Chesterfield ! 
Filters. 



Warning: The Surgeon General Has Determined 
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous toYour Health. 




Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc 



Fi;iefKmg : 18mg/- l ar; , L2m9.nicoiine ; 
lOTsi 19 mg."tar/' 1.4 mg. nicotine Av. per cigarette by FTC Method 




/eft* r ♦ 



Sirs: 

Many years ago in our village there 
lived a young warrior called Ndongo. 
Ndongo wished lo marry the chiefs 
youngest daughter, Mlulu, but Mttai- 
dzi the chief demanded three cows 
and an earthen gourd filled with 
golden yams, a very high bride price 
in those days- Lacking both cows or 
golden yams, Ndongo gathered his 
smoking pots, together with three vul- 
ture feathers, and set off into the jun- 
gle to seek gold with which to buy his 
cone-breasted Mlulu. 

He had not traveled farther than 
the watering liofe when he heard the 
moan of Dzibi the Hippo, 

"What ails you, Brother Hippo," 
asked Ndongo, "that you moan so 
mournfully?" 

"I moan for the juicy, tender fronds 
that grow so plentifully on yonder 
bank," the old hippo answered, 

"Well, why don't you eat them?" 
asked Ndongo. 

"I would/* replied Dzibi the Hippo, 
"but this mudhole is so soothing to my 
skin. The temperature is just right, 
and the feel of the mud is as finely 
pounded yam mash, just as I like it. 
Would you have me lose my place in 
I he wallow when the afternoon sun 
beats down so pit eon sly?" 

"Then let me take your place in the 
wallow/' said Ndongo, hanging his 
smoking pots on a nearby Eucalyptus 
tree. "When you have eaten your fill, 
come back to where I stand and you 
will have your fresh fronds and cool 
mud as well 17 

"A good bargain/ 1 replied Dzibi, 
*TU be right back. Here/' 

When Dzibi had waddled off toward 
the riverbank, clever Ndongo immedi- 
ately dived to the slimey bottom and 
found an earthern gourd filled with 
golden yams just as the Old Ones" 
song had promised, 

"Did you feed well?" asked Ndon- 
go, slyly clasping the gourd securely 
between his ankles under the ooze as 
Dzibi returned. 

"No sweat/' replied the Hippo. 
"Now, get your Feet off my tfourd or 
I'll roll you flatter than the Saturday 
edit ton of the Leopoldville Inquirer, 
Move it/* 

Not wishing to be thus so flat, 
Ndongo gingerly released the gourd, 
which sank slowly back to the wallow 



bottom, and paddled speedily for 
shore. Back on dry land, Ndongo 
found that his smoking p ts had been 
stolen. After several more days walk- 
ing through the jungle, Ndongo came 
upon a diamond mine operated by the 
De Beers Company. Obtaining work- 
ing papers after promising a portion 
of his first two years' wages to the 
usual petty officials, Ndongo set off to 
earn his bride price in the mines. 

At the end of two long years, Ndon- 
go had finally saved up enough for the 
officials and a sufficient sum as well 
almost to pay for three cows and a 
golden gourd. However, it was at this 
time that Ndongo learned that Mlulu 
was now betrothed to a warrior from 
a neighboring tribe, and already the 
day of tormenting the wedding pig 
had been chosen. 

Impatient to return to his village, 
Ndongo was subsequently caught by 
the mining inspectors with an uncut 
fourteen- carat diamond in his lunch 
pot, and was sentenced to seventeen 
years in prison, where he is today. 

Leroi Jones 
Newark, N, J. 

Sirs: 

Arn I still as important as the Vir- 
gin Mary? 

Ono Yoko 
Grosse Point, Mich. 

Sirs: 

Hey listen, do you guys ever get 
sued? ( liet V oiks wagon's a dirty word 
around your office, heh, heh.) Who 
writes the letters? What's Chris Mil- 
ler really like? What ever happened to 
the Radio Show? When's Lemmings 
coming to my town? Who did that 
Flash Bazbo voice? Are there any 
things you guys think arc sacred? 
What's Rodriguez liktf? Gahan Wil- 
son? And the guy who does Cheech 
Wizard and Dirty Duck? Is M. K. 
Brown a guy or a chick? How come I 
didn't get my last three issues? (I 
started getting them way back in '74.) 
What ever happened to Michael 
O'Donoghue? How can I submit my 
ideas? Is everybody there from the 
liar oar d Lampoon or what? I low can 
I get into Harvard? What did you 
guys say to Tom Snyder? Does any- 
body famous ever write in? How come 
you guys called David Frost as ass- 
hole? How can. I start my own maga- 
zine? When are you going to do a 
parody of cafeteria food? Is the 
Mamie I'iisenhower death contest 
still on? Did you kill that dog? Who 
writes Baba Rum Raisin? Do you 
guys hang out with Norman Mailer 
and Gloria Steinem and a fast crowd, 
or do you just sit home listening to 
Chicago like we do? Do you feel pain 
like we do? Who's the chick with the 
big tits? Mow can you justify making 

continued 



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Ordinary speakers need 
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Instead. Motional Feed- 
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one meter One for the woofer 
The other tor the mid-range 
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ts needed But David will 
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All that power Motional 
Feedback and a three-way 
speaker system come \n a wal- 
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Tell your audio dealer you 
want to hear from the little guy. 

PHILIPS AUDIO VIDEO 3 YSTEMS CORP 

AUDIO DIVISION 

91 McKqq Drive. Mahwah, N.J 07430 




Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



NATIONAL LAMPOON 7 



continued 

fun of cripples? When are you going 
to do a parody of Poll Sci students? 
( Don't, bother, most of them are paro- 
dies of themselvesl) Are True Facts 
really true? Do you ever print any 
real letters? How can I submit my 
ideas? How much do you guys make? 
Was that a real, high school in the 
Yearbook? Where do you #et your 
ideas? How can I submit my ideas? 
Who does those meat articles? Does 
he think they're funny? Was that a 
boy or girl on the Pubescence Issue 
cover? How can I submit my ideas? 
Do you work stoned? What is Ed 
Subilzky really liku? How can I sub- 
mit my ideas? Why don't you print 
real letters? 

Jacqueline Bouviet Kennedy Onassis 

Hughes Zimmerman Rockefeller 

Wonder Ali Lennon McCartney 

Harrison Bubitzky 

Shaker J leights, Ohio 

Sirs: 

This is just a note lo the drug pol- 
ice to tell them from beyond the grave 
that Hcf never ever used or abused 
illegal drugs, especially enough speed 
to sweal Barbie Benton's gross weight 
from either armpit daily. 

Bobbie Arnstcin 
DethRay, Mi. 
P.S. Much, 

Gentlemen: 

We are happy to report that we 
have perfected a morning-after birth 
control pill for men. We feel that this 
convenient contraceptive will prove a 
boon to all and make a major con- 
tribution to population control. 

Dr. Wadislaw T, Ladsczlmfii 

University of Lodz 

Lodz, Poland 

Sirs: 

Never talk about a guy's testicles 
behind his back. Because they're not 
behind his back, they're betwixt the 
fleshy thighs. Just thought I'd let you 
know that I know, 

Lucille Ball 
Rodondo Beach, Calif* 

Sirs: 

Hello, this is your captain speaking, 
welcoming you aboard Flying Dutch- 
man Airlines, We will be cruising at 
approximately 33,000 feet. Right now, 
if you look out the right cabin win- 
dows, you will see below you the Ten- 
nessee Valley Authority's northern- 
most dam. Out your left window, you 
will sec a V -formation of MXG fighters 
with Russian markings, a squadron of 
saucer-shaped objects, Shelley Win- 
ters astride an ICBM, and Rodau the 
Flying Monster with a napkin around 
his neck. The clean-cut young man 
sitting next to you in the Ohio Slate 
sweatshirt is a Palestinian guerrilla 
with 220 pounds of explosives in his 



knapsack, and the elderly gent nod- 
ding off on your left is a clever ly made 
robot directed from 1 'eking. The stew- 
ardess currently spilling your Tab in 
your lap is Patty Hearst. 

We'd (Ike to thank you for choosing 
Inlying Dutchman and at this time re- 
quest that you extinguish all smoking 
materials, put all seats and trays in 
an upright position, make sure your 
seathelt, is fastened, and prepare for 
landing. It has been a pleasure flying 
with you, and we'd like to assure you 
that the slight increase in sound is 
merely the landing gear falling off, 
and the mild bump you'll experience 
is simply us bailing out. We will be . 
landing in approximately thirty sec- 
ond^ straight down, and wish you a 
pleasant stay in the Bermuda Ti i an- 
gle. 

Wiley and Amelia Post 
Howard Hawk, Md. 

Sirs: 

Had to let you in on how impressed 
folks arc out here in Doughnuthole 
about the way you guys soft-peddle 
your spin-offs like the National Lam- 
poon Show, Most mags would write 
some dumb "puff article" on The New 
York Times' rave review and dwell on 
all the big movie stars in it like John 
Beiushi {Giant, Rebel Without a 
Cause, On the Waterfront), Harold 
Ramis f Charge of the. Light Brigade, 
Trash, Yojtmbo), Brian Doyle-Mur- 
ray (Teen-age Commies from Outer 
Space, The Godfather 11, Russ Mey- 
er's Vixens) , Bill "There's a Lobster 
Loose" Murray-Doyle (2001, The 
Sorrow and the Pity, Fistful of Dol- 
lars), and the very lovely Ms. Gilda 
Radner (Citizen Kane II, I Want to 
Live, Miracle at 134th Street), not to 
mention the many wry jests and 
delicious hamburgers (count your 
change)! 

Because of your real fine attitude 
this way, I want to tell you fellows 
that if I am ever in New York City I 
will surely call up the New Palladium 
Theater and spend money on this in- 
stead of food, 

A Reader 

Doughnuthole, Neb. 

Sirs: 

Is my writing for shit? Jesus, don't 
ask me, buddy r I gotta deadline, 
y'know? See you Tuesday. Yeah, 
right, lunch, okay, bye. 
Jesus. 

Norman Mailer 
Ft. Lauderdale, Fla. 

Sirs: 

Special announcement to all ex- 
hippies. Sorry, but it's too late to sell 
out! IT u hit. 

Doug Kenney and T. Hobbes 
Altamontecarlo, Monaco 



EARTH negative heel shoes 

are sold only at Earth shoe 

stores in these cities. 

For the address consult your 
phone directory. 

Arizona M .Tucson 

C;i 1 i forma ... ........... Berkeley 

C arm el 
Fresno* 
Hermosa Beach 
Lagmui Beach 
Palm Springs* 
Halo Alto 
San Diego* 
San Francisco 
Santa Ana 
Santa Barbara 
We st wood 

Colorado..... , .Boulder 

Connecticut ...,„ ,....,.. Hartford 

New Haven 
Hisi riii of Columbia........ Washington. D.C. 

Florida .Gainesville 

North Miami Beach 
J inui h Mi.nm 

Georgia......,.,..*...., .....Atlanta 

Illinois Chicago 

Indiana ....Blooming ton 

Indianapolis* 

Kentucky i Louisville* 

Louisiana New Orleans 

Massachusetts....,,.... Amherst 

Cambridge 

Michigan... ..Ann Arbor 

Bi.rmin^lcmi 

Minnesota.,. ....... ,,.,,.,, Minneapolis 

Missouri ....Kansas City 

Nevada Las Vegas* 

New Jersey.......,,. tr „. ,,,.,.., Princeton 

New York , New Yurie 

Buffalo 

Garden City 

Huntington 

Rochester* 

Southampton 

North Carolina Chapel Hill 

Charlotte 
Ohio Cleveland Heights 

CulllITjljUS 

Dayton* 
Toledo* 

Oklahoma ....Oklahoma City* 

Oregon .,, Eugene* 

Portland* 

Pennsylvania *..,.. ..Allen town 

Philadelphia 
Pittsburgh 
State College* 

Rhode Island , Providence* 

Tennessee...... .............. Knox ville 

Memphis 

Texas Austin 

Dallas 

Utah , ..Salt Lake City 

Vermont Burlington 

Virginia .Richmond'" 

Washington ,.„ Seaillr 

Spokane* 

Wisconsin...... .„ Madison 

CANADA 

Quebec ...Montreal 

Ontario ....Toronto 

EUROPE 

Denmark Copenhagen 

Germany . — Munich 

If there is no store in your area, write 
to Earth shoe, Dept.NY, 251 Park Ave- 
nue South, New York, New York 10010 
and we will send you a brochure that 
explains how to order the Earth* brand 
shoe by mail 

^Opening soon. 

artfi 




K NATIONAL LAMPOON 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



Why everybody's 

pretending they're us. 




These are not Earth shoes 
Just because they look 
like Earth shoes doesti l t mean 
they are Earth brand shoes. 

There was a time when 
the EAKTH* negative hee! 
shoe was the only shoe in 
the world with the heel 
lower than the toe. 

In those days the other 
people who made shoes 
just laughed at us. 

But things have changed 

And now that you love 
our Earth brand shoes, 
now that you're standing in 
line to gel them, the shoe 
companies have stopped 
laughing and started 
copying. 



The shoes that 
look like, seem like, 
but don't work like 
the Earth shoe. 

Today, a lot of peo- 
ple are trying to imitate 
our shoe. Some even 
use names that sound 
lifce ours, and have ads 
that look like ours! 

It seems like every- 
body's trying to be us, 

But what they don't 
understand is this. Mere- 
ly lowering the heel of 
a shoe isn't enough. 
And imitating the out- 
side of our shoe isn't 
enough. Just because a 
shoe looks like the Earth 
shoe doesn't mean it 
works like the Earth 
shoe. 

U took many years to 
perfect the Earth brand 

shoe, And those years are 

crucial. They make our shoe 

different from all its 

imitators. 

Bow the Eartti Shoe 
was invented. 

It started years ago when 
Anne Kalstf had the origi- 
nal idea for the negative 
heel shoe, 

She saw footprints in 
the sand, and realized that 
with every footprint the 
body was designing a shoe, 
A natural a hoe , A s 1 10 e 
with the heel lower 
than the toe. A shoe 

that would work 
in harmony with 
your entire body, 
But that was just 
le beginning, 
Then came 
the years 



of research and hard 

work to get every de- 
tail just right. To per- 
fect the arch, To make 
the U>es wide, comfort- 
able and functional, 
"lb balance the shoe. 
To mold the sole in a 
special way so that it 
would allow you to 
walk in a natural roll- 
ing motion. Gently 
and easily even on 
the ha t'd jar ring ce- 
ment of our cities. 



7 b act tut idea of how 
the Earth ' shne works, 
stand barefoot ivith you r 
toes av on a honk. 

Feet what beams 

f to happen* 





Th< 
Earth hra 
shoe comes in 
styles for wish ami 
women, from open m 
dais to high tiaots. From 
$23.51) to $42.50. Prices 
s t it} ii t hj h kfh errnth e wes t . 



Patent '3305947. 
Why the Earth shoe is 
unique. 

The Earth shoe is [pat- 
ented. That means it can't 
he cop i ed w i t ho u t he i i ig 
changed. 
And if it's changed 
it just isn't thu 
Earth shoe. 
So to be sure 
you're getting the 
real thing, look on the 
sole lor our patent 
number and our trade 
mark, Earth. If they're not 



there, it's not the Earth 
brand shoe. 

Sold only at Earth® 
shoe stores. 

And there's one more 
thing that makes our shoes 
so special Our stores. 

Earth shoes are sold 
only at Earth shoe stores. 
Stores that sell no other 
shoe but ours, and are de- 
voted entirely to the Earth 
shoe concept. 

flow our shoes fit you is 
very important to us. There's 
a special technique to fit- 
ting them. Our people are 
trained to fit you properly 
and we wouldn't trust any- 
one else to do it. 

Find out for yourself, 

lb really appreciate 
Earth shoes you must try 
them. 

When you do you'll see t 
perhaps for the first time in 
your life, what it's like to 
walk more gracefully, natu- 
rally and comfortably, 




■ EAR ru is the registered 

t rat ie t H a t k of K t i Is p S u s temet. 
Inc. for its ve native heel shoes 
and other products, 

E l??4 Kul»u '->Y\r,-.r H M.Jiii, 




Anne Kalsja. 

Inventor of the EARTH 
netjativcheei shoe. 



You can only buy Earth shoes at Earth Shoe Stores in the cities listed on the lacing page. 

Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



GOLDEN EffRRINL 



huihh: 



A new album, a new single "Ce Soir," a new North American tour. 



BQLDBN EfWR/NG 



S1INTCH 




Album: MCA -2133 
Singlfi: MCA-4f)3B9 



Golden Eurrmg 1975 Tour; 

April :i -Unffalo. New York 
April 4- Boston, Massachusetts 
A py i \ 5 Cle v elan d , Ohio 
April 7-Detroit. Michigan 
April fi— ('olumhu.s. Ohio 
April -Indianapolis, Indiana 
April 1 1 Chicago, Illinois 
April 12-Mcmphis, Tennessee 
April 13— Evans ville, Indiana 
April 15— Di;jivc;r. Colorado 
April L8— Portland, Oregon 
April 19 Seattle, Washington 
April 21-Sall Lake City, Utah 
April 23— Phoenix, Arizona 
April 25— San Francisco. California 
April 27- Los Angeles, California 
April 30-CincinimiL Ohio 
May 1— St. Louis. Missouri 



- w* 







MCA RECORDS 



Copyright © 



May 2— Kansas City, Kansas 
May 4-SL Paul, Minnesota 
May 'J -Dallas, Texas 
May 10— Houston, Texas 
May 11— Austin, Te\as 
May 15— Atlanta, Georgia 
May 16 Jacksonville, Florida 

M a y 1 7— Miami. F 1 ri ct 9 
May 18-LakeIand. Florida 
May 2\ -New Orleans. Luuisiana 
2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



May 22-Pnnsncola. Florida 

May 24— Birmingham, Alabama 
May 27— Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania 
May 38— Toronto, Qntario 

May :i(] I lempsletid, Umfi Ulantl 
May 31-New York, New York 
[line 6- Washington. U.C. 

(Dates mu\ ploeos Subject to dianfle 
plmtsti watch fin further ailtUtinns} 



amnr™ 




Subject A, deceased, bom 1906, was 
a Greek multimillionaire, with sus- 
pect proclivities* Autopsy revealed 
the cause of death to be bronchial 
pneumonia! complicated by French 
medical care. Further examination 
showed extensive though largely 
healed lesions of the rectum, pos- 
sibly due to cultural interplay of 
forces beyond the scope of this re- 
view, accompanied by massive dis- 
tension of the prostate, apparently 
the result of complete sexual con- 
tinence for the last six or seven 
years. This est i matt 1 was obtained 
by extensive examination of auto- 
fertilized fetuses recovered from 
the scrotum of the body, some of 
which exhibited not only full sets 
of functioning limbs, but a command 
of the Cyrillic alphabet. Subject's 
financial status was shown to be ex- 
cellent at the point of demise, de- 
spite some setback in aeronautical 
enterprises, and levels of between 
500 and 700 million units were dis- 
covered in postmortem depositories, 

Subject B t born 1917, deceased, was 
a major executive with a large Amer 
ican corporation, also with dubious 
patterns of private life-style. Med- 
ical records show cause of death to 
be massive cerebral migraine* result- 
ing from introduction of foreign sub- 
stance, tentatively identified as lead 
projectiles, into the cerebrum, with 
consequent disappearance of large 
portions of the skull and thorax into 
the air and /or grassland of Dallas, 
Texas, Curiously, subject exhihited 
.similar indications of extreme sexual 
continence, commencing some three 
yearn prior to demise, fetuses re- 



covered being subject to extreme 
tibial cancer and consequent lack of 
lower limbs, and demonstrating no 
command whatsoever of any alpha- 
bet, Cyrillic included* Subject's 
financial health at demise was dubi- 
ous, levels stabilizing between 50 
and 60 million units. 

Subject C, born 1929, inceptor of 
this study, is a prostitute, describing 
herself as a businesswoman, with 
large holdings in international and 
domestic enterprises, some of which 
result from her association with Sub- 
jects A and /J. Upon examination, 
subject was found to be suffering 
from so-called Lily of the Valley 
syndrome, a rare form of impaction, 
in which the hymen grows hack due 
to postmenopausal stress. Subject's 
financial status is considered accept- 
able, being found to be within critical 
levels of 120 to 200 million units. 

Subject C had commissioned thw 
study in order to improve her finan 
rial stat tts with particular regard to 
the number of units a vat fait fa in po- 
tential transplantees, and with spe- 
cial concern being devoted to the 
life-expectancy andlor income-ex- 
pectancy of those subjects. Accord- 
ingly, possible subjects have been 



rated both in terms of demise-poten- 
tial and unit-potential (in hundreds 
of millions). Subject has indicated 
that her goal in terms of financial 
stability is not to be less than one 
thousand million units (one bil- 
lion ), ( These figures are those estab- 
lished by the American Medical 
Association as the appropriate min- 
imum for a subject in her category. ) 

Subject D t born in 1905, is a 
recluse, an aviator, and a business- 
man sometimes associated with 
American interests though not neces- 
sarily on American soil, Subject 
typically has shown considerable 
interest hi women, without any ac- 
companying desire to consummate 
relationships in the conventional 
manner. Demise-potential excellent. 
Present financial status, subject to 
domestic review, in the region of 2 
to 3 billion units. 

Subject E, born in 1892, is an oil ex- 
ecutive of considerable influence. 
Medical studies show an almost 
complete lack of concern with any 
females with whom he has con- 
tracted prior arrangements. Subject 
exhibits no sensitivity to bodily ori- 
fices, with the possible exception of 
the ear. Current financial status be- 
lieved to be in the area of 2 to 3 bil- 
lion units. T.H. 

Cover: Dick Frank receives this 
month's mm. kadiisa, for having 
the foresight to lodge a Hasselblad 
in his pancreas. □ 



Editors: Henry Beard, Tony Hcndra, Brian McConnachic, Scan Kelly, Douglas Kenney 

Executive Editor; P. J. O'Rourkc Art Director: Peter Kleinman 

Copy Editor: Louise Gikow Research Editor: Karen Wegner 

Associate Ait Director: Mark Hcrkcr Art Associate: Scot! MacNetll Art Assistant: Liza Lcrncr 

Contributing Editors: John Honi, Christopher Cerf, Dean A. Latimer, led Mann, Brace McCall, 

Chris Miller, Ed Subitzky* Gerald Sussman, Marc Rubin, John Weidman 

Special Project Design: Pellegrini, Kaestle fe Gross, Inc. 

Contributing Ai tisis: M, K. Brown, Randall Euos, Shary Flenniken, Dick Frank, Edward Gorey, 

Ronald G. Harris, Dick Hess, Bobby London, Stan Mack, Mara McAfee, Wayne McLoughlin, Rick Meyerowitz, 

Charles Rodrigucs, Alan Rose, Norman Rubinglon, Warren Sattler, Neil Selkirk, Gahan Wilson 

Production Manager: Christine Chestis-Montanez 

Staff Assistant: Wendy Mogel Subscription Manager: Howard Jurofsky Promotion; Peter J. Kaminsky 

Publisher: Gerald L, Taylor 
The National Lampoon, Inc. is a subsidiary of Twenty First Century Communications, Inc. 

Chairman: Matty Simmons President: Leonard Mogel 

Vice-President, Administration: George Aguglia Vice- President, Sales: Gerald L. Taylor 

Treasurer: Charles Schneider Controller: Alan Steinberg 

Advertising Offices. New York: William T. Liiwc E-lurtern Advertising Director, Herman Brown. Jr.. Account Executive, 

National Lampoon. (iSfi Madison An., Nen York, N.v. [0422. (Zl'2) 568-4070. 

Chicago: Wilti.nn 11. Saiikc. Midwest Adveiiismn Diiettor. .iGO N. Michigan Ave., Chicago. Ill, GOfiOl, <M2) 3415-71 II. 

West Coast; Lowell Fox, 10960 wilshkc BlwL, Los Angeles. Calif, W02-L (213) 478-0611. 



x- vi 1 1 )W w r AviPfinw i i 



Tequila Gavilan. 
One taste...and 

you're not a Gringo 
anymore. 



Ljnupi 



\/ 




it — x 



Mexico's classic tequila is NumeroUno inN.Y 



80/86 Proof. Imported by Foreign Vinlogcs, InC, Great Nc<k, New York 10021, < iy/5 




My Monkeys, 

Salutations From cloud -crowned 
Nc^pal — shining FL Lauderdale of the 
Orient! 

Now, as Father Sun goes down on 
Mother India nearby, the sunlit peaks 
of the Himalayas shade the ancient 
city of Katmandu, And truly as do the 
postcards describe, is it a city of con- 
trasts — where American flower- va- 
grants and B.A, hotpants steward- 
esses rub Datsun to Datsun through 
the drive-in American Express office. 
All this am ir I the pungent incense of 
much humanity and yak excrement, 
and, as if a miracle, all yet under one 
similar sky within earshot of the 
Great. Buddha of Kamalonganhirna- 
parddhidaPs golden nose holes. 

What, as many of you youth with 
much difficulty might be putting it, a 
scene. 

Baba has been indeed at every mo- 
ment occupied with his Baba Rum 
Raisin Cultural Exchange Concert 
Series — kindly arranged by a high- 
placed cousin of Mine responsible 
only to Indira Gandhi for the cleanli- 
ness of her Supp-hose and in collu- 
sion with My very fine manager Mr. 
Morty Taumicbaum. Many crowds of 
happy faces greet Baba and His tour- 
ing caravan as both colorfully cos- 
tumed Baba Rum Raisinettes and 
megadeath-dealing amps are born 
high atop the heads of economy Sher- 
pa backpackers through twisting 
mountain passes. Unfortunately, at 
the border crossing, Baba's last nine 
Sherpas are discovered to contain 
neither amps nor Baba Rum Raisin 
Official T-shirts but instead great 
quantities of illegal substances with a 
street value of three hundred authen- 
tic Gurka knives, forty yaks rich in 
butterfat, or thirty women of the re- 
gion similarly blessed, whatever 
comes first — and let me say that, in 
the isolated snowhlinded hamlets high 
in the mountains, may it not, to please 



12 NATIONAL LAMPOON 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



the gods, upon occasion be the yak? 

Here, as I tap tap in this high moun- 
tain cave, warmed only by the fine 
bleach-faded thigh of the popular 
song-stylist Ms, Joni Mitchell and the 
rapid dogbreatha of fine ex-Beaile 
George Harrison, and as wc three 
maintain a polite distance from our 
hostess, a sleeping Female yeti boast- 
ing both the charm and disposition of 
a rogue Volkswagen Thing, your Baba 
is distracted from his meditations. 
Our simply-furnished lair is warm, 
but between this abominable snow- 
person's fine mound of human skulls, 
smashed prayer-wheels, gnawed Zip 
po lighters, and uneaten feces, plus 
not to rudely omit Mr. George Dog- 
lungs u( which Baba spoke before, to 
offer only a small particle of the fact, 
the air is indeed growing a bit close. 

But Baba, regular readers of Baba's 
regrettably overdue monthly News- 
letter (bad maif) may here interrupt, 
but first pulling forelock or skin as is 
appropriate, if the cave is thus un- 
worthy, why does not Baba and at 
least our faoerave Ms. Joni thank 
hairy homemnker personthing and, as 
to say in our perky teen tongue-fu f 
like split? Also, my best Baba, what is 
the cause of so much odor-cramping in 
the starting-place? Like, Also, you 
may ask in your usual halMotus fash- 
ion, where is my Official Baba Hum 
Raisin T-shirt with special 3-D day- 
glo-in-the.-d.ark "magic" winking third 
eye? For whom haoe I somehow re- 
ceived instead, blessed Baba, your 
equally valuable autograph on the 
back of my canceled check? 

Hush, my puppies! Ms, Mitchell, 
who has been patiently stringing tri~ 
pte-A quality temple balls on shoe- 
cord from Baba's Adidas to make a 
lucky necklace for next border cross- 
ing, pauses in her artsy-crafting to in- 
form Baba that the gunfire from the 
valley below is now coming from two 
directions. Using fine signal-mirror at- 
tachment on fine Baba Rum Raisin 
Official Decoder Secret Fun Ring 
(Shiva, Goddess of Rainy-Day 
Amusements, suggests order this to- 
day or again if first Fun Ring lies al- 
ready in high-impact pieces), Baba 
sees over the cave ledge that the 
Nepalese Narcotic Strike Force and 
Interpol paracommandos are still hap- 
pily pinned down by Red Communist 
Chinese heavy mortar blossoms. Such 
a sight and sound in the valley below! 
As in 2001 only that the happy ending 
is yet to be seen. Although the narcs 
as you call them have yet been unable 
to launch inquisitive illegal -substance- 
seeking missiles in these silly direc- 
tions, the small red cap stars and the 
many small yellow men in quilted 
sleep wear under those fine caps draw 
themselves nearer— possibly to invite 
Baba for fine Concert with fine Red 

continued 




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Guarders Youth Chorus on stage in 
Peking People's Ministry of Fun? A 
I: hough t 

Yes, it is here on this fine courtesy 
Crystal Hotel stationery that Baba 
freely affirms in generous quantities of 
candor, before dangerous mistakes are. 
made by who might soon read this, 
that the healthful and well-rounded 
Red Guarders of the fine low-cost 
People's Fine Communist HepubUn 
cans of China are examples of youth 
to all other, less-exampled Dr, Pep- 
per-and- Dad's- Torino capita lismis t 
teen jackal scamps. This Baba as- 
suredly feels and is not a spy or look- 
ing for troubles or has ever knowingly 
accepted uncommunist dollars from 
the Central Intelligent. Agent in his 
neighbor hood or ashram*. A uery 
many dollars, at least* this matter is at 
a certainty. 

further disforhmancy. If is fated 
that your Baba will not long continue 
this Newsletter. Mr. Harrison's con- 
stant chanting of the name of Eric 
Clapton (and a quantity of extra non- 
printing vocabulary, too) has dis- 
turbed the slumber of our lairmate. 
Poor Mr, Harrison should eat some- 
thing soon. This typewriter? 



* Special Iinhft Hum Raisin Ncwsbultetin to Santa 
Barbara Chapter, Ashram #344; Dave, it is most 
unfortunately the now nne from '*San nieRo" 
with Hie while socks who unyx he is called Frado 
Nnrcname, As I thoujjht, 



Another pause. A grenade has just 
intruded, finely low-cost made but un- 
invited. Before Ms. Mitchell may 
handcraft further with fine Pentel set, 
Baba in a quickness of heroic thinking 
smothers fizzing devilberry with only 
his threadbare turban. Turban of such 
low-cost quality itself, much is the 
generosity of Fortune that this wise 
demonfrtiit refused its madcap job of 
doom, 

So far. Perhaps I shall roll this fizzy 
guest back down the cliff, so that the 
youth in quilted overwear now climb- 
ing up rope may fix with fine head? 

A near miss. Rama H. Krishna. 
Mr. Harrison interfered with Baba's 
aim by a scream. Ms, Yeti, it appears, 
has taken a fine shine to Mr. Harri- 
son, although "m ibis dimness do I see, 
perhaps, not to his clothings? Such 
fuss. 

Ms, Mitchell, between lulls in the 
crossfirings, is having her quiet Lime 
and is, at least unlike a Beatle I could 
sec in my mind, keeping her cool 
and mum. 

But Baba, I hear youth stateside 
calling, how is it that Mr. Harrison, 
Ms, Mitchell and yeti ( have I yet in- 
serted the fact that around its most 
extensively-muscled neck is a wooden 
collar-keg full of yak plasma? In 
Nepal, there are no Answers, only 
Questions) , how is it that all these 
persons and things presently share 



the selfsame mountain nook herein 
described with your Babahood? 

Questions, questions. 

Does not the Haba Hum Raisin Of- 
ficial Poster of the Five Fine Behav- 
iors speak of Asking Too Many of 
these? 

What is the use of knowing at which 
fine folkbar Baba first encountered 
Ms. Mitchell, and the name of the 
powder this your Baba slipped into 
her Banana Fizz? 

To what end would Baba relate 
how he, in the originality, rescued 
Mr, Harrison from angry Nepaiese 
glitter-raga youths when, despite their 
bctclnut minds, they swiftly saw that 
Ravi Shanker was, for the facts, up 
dose not an Indian at a)\, hut only a 
Greek (or was it the youth said 
"geek"? — what is this word?) from 
Brooklyn, where, I gather, they, too, 
grow swart and short. 

Also, many may be asking how 
came the yeti into this, or, too, we the 
yeti? Are Ms. Mitchell's fine breasts 
as small as they look on the albums? 
But are they firm? 

And what of the yeti! And George? 
Woti Id he know? 

Questions, questions, Festive flares 
are now shooting up to the sky, and it 
appears they are finding the range. 
And still these silly questions, you 
silly monkeys! 



14 NATIONAL LAMPOON 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



!!!! One Last Time Special Offer till 

Yes, oh Baba you fine spiritual 
guide with the accent on youth! 
Please rush me all the spicy and 
interesting answers to my ques- 
tions a$ to the meaning of this tale 
and Us logical, (and fine, exciting) 
points, explanations, and thrilling 
conclusion!! To learn all these 
things I will not miss the $5 (five 
dollar bill, no stamps or illegal ma- 
terials, please) plus and most im- 
portantly calling my parents' con- 
gressman in Washington on their 
credit card and hauing him find 
what has happened to Baba if we 
do not hear by the time we read 
this, 
This is my money; 

Name 

Address Zip 

Money 

To: 

Baba Rum Raisin 
American Express 
Katmandu, Nepal 

Number of times 1 promise to call 

congressman .• ,£. 

Yes, Baba, I want the free T-shirt 
that will help me get out of home- 
work if I call him 10 (ten) times 
a day. Yes □ 



This is all for now. Ms. Mitchell is 
getting cranky and Mr, Harrison's 
screams arc attracting fuzz and pink 
cbinklets. I joke to Ms. Mitchell is it 
not fine that the affectionate yeti is 
not a dyke on top, but no laugh here, 
as the naughty grenade has returned 
fizzing good as new. 

Perhaps you will send coupons and 



concerned calls quicker than you 
think! 
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iiimiiiiii 




HEW/. ohthe yAUCH 



\w 



MAY, 1975 



VOLUME 1, NO. LXII 



The Cave at the End of the Tunnel 

HUMILIATING DEFEAT WITH HONOR 




HISTORIC VOTE: 

SENATE MODIFIES RULES 

THREE-FIFTHS CAN NOW END FILIBUSTER 

OLD PROCEDURE CALLED FOR A TWO -THIRDS MA JORITY 

LIBERALS JUBILANT AT OPPORTUNITY TO BYPASS MOSSBACKS 

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COMPROMISE ON AMENDED KULES FORCED BYSEH. ALIEN WHO HLIBUSTEKEDAG/UNSTMOVE 

REQUIRES VOJE OF IHSffi-FIFIHS OF WHOLE SENATE SIXTY SENATORS!* CURRENT HUNOBEOMAH CHAMBER -TO END DERATE 

WIIEdEAS UNDER Oil) TTt'O-TMMS RULE, MAJORITY WAS CAinJtATtO FROM THOSE 

ACTUALLY PBESF.NT ANO VOTINC ON FLOOR OF SENATE; 

M HSI. nOTOK »K SUCCtSSFUUY OTOUR TOM LBS m»M SIYTI SENATORS UUI 10 ISIKl llf 

MAW H»Bf US FRO* SKOT "W OtX Of VOtl 

st» iiuj nut it Mcuun id a" sanm m a luxr im auras uuimlu * *»n « vhi<i i* 
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iiuiNuu *w muuwmwi ■*»■» «A ■ 



— — "T*5se»:a"aaaisBuasasswssr* ~~- ■ 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



continued 



conti nued _ 

The recent series of financial crises 
plaguing New York City— crises 
blamed by many on decisions made in 
past months by leading banking in- 
stitutions like the Chase Manhattan, 
First National City, Morgan Guaran- 
ty, and Manufacturers Hanover to 
allow the huge New York State Ur- 
ban Development Corporation to go 
bankrupt with its thousands of des- 
perately needed units of moderately 
priced housing half finished, to de- 
mand unprecedented rates of interest 
on the city's municipal bonds, and 
even, in one instance, to refuse out- 
right to handle a city bond issue at all 
because of doubts about the city's abil- 
ity to back it with real estate taxes - 
have severely shaken confidence in 
the financial stability of the giant 
metropolis and left in the public mind 
the impression of the nation's largest 
urban center at the mercy of a handful 
of banks. ' 

The administration of New York 
mayor Abraham Bcamc has, however, 
acted with uncharacteristic swiftness 
to persuade the top banks — all of 
which have their headquarters in 
Manhattan— to adopt a more con- 
\ structive attitude towards the city's 
short-range problems and to acquaint 
them with the many benefits of co- 
operating with the city to insure its 
continued fiscal health. 

Among the actions taken by the 
City government in the last few 
weeks: JL 

* Over 600 fire inspectors visited what 
one bank official described as "vir- 
tually every single branch* 1 of the 
Chase Manhattan Bank and issued 
summonses for a host of violations, 
including "the presence of large piles 
of flammable paper of various sorts, 
specifically currency, checks, bonds, 
and other notes, in public banking 
areas" which, according to a depart- 
ment, report, could "easily become ig- 
nited by a spark from the toasters, 
irons, TV sets, and other appliances 
in the banks 7 windows" where they 
are displayed as an enticement for 
new customers to open accounts. The 
Fire Department ordered Chase to 
remove the fire hazards within five 
working days or close the affected 
branches, 

• Representatives of the Police De- 
partment met with top officers of the 
First National City Bank to discuss 
with them the large number of rob- 
beries — seven thus far this year — in 
that bank's branches. Citing a statute 
which permits the city to close busi- 
ness establishments which "attract a 
criminal element," Deputy Police 
Commissioner Warren De Marco 
criticised First National for conduct- 
ing an operation patronized by 
"thieves, gunmen, and underworld 
types," and refused to rule out a per- 



manent ban on the bank's activities in 
the city if the pattern of often violent 
crime associated with its regular busi- 
ness continued, 

• A New York City Department of 
Health Inspection team has recom- 
mended that the doors of vaults in the 
city's banks be removed to prevent 
possible suffocation of persons who 
hecome trapped inside. "These things 
are just like those refrigerators in 
junk heaps kids get caught in," com- 
mented Health Commissioner Louis 
Katz. "Anybody could wander in, 
and presto! slam goes the door, and 
he's a goner." When a senior officer 
of one bank produced statistics show- 
ing that not one fatality has resulted 
from a vault suffocation in New York 
in thirty-seven years, Katz insisted 
that the 1 safety record was the result 
of "sheer luck," adding, "There's al- 
ways a first time," 

■ The New York City Bureau of Rec- 
ords has discovered that due to an 
improperly executed title deed trans- 
fer in 1805, compounded by a sur- 
veyor's error in 1836 and an obscure 
State Supreme Court ruling in 1851 
(Oyster Bay Packet Boat Co. v, 
Hutchinson et at.) , twenty-four feet 
of the southern side of the Manufac- 
turers Hanover Trust Co.'s new down- 
town office building on Water Street 
rest on landfill built on a pier formerly 
owned by a shipping company which 
was legally seized over a century ago 
by the city for nonpayment of taxes. 



A spokesman for the Nmv York City 
Department of Parks, Recreation, 
and Culture said that the plot of land 
involved — about two feet wide by two 
hundred and fifty feet long — would 
make "a superb public promenade" 
and that the department would im- 
mediately seek an appropriation from 
City Hall for the minipark so that 
"we can get right ahead with building 
it once Manufacturers has finished 
demolition of the affected portion of 
its structure," 



Sources close to Secretary Kissinger 
report that a concerted effort was 
made in March and April of this 
year to sell all or part of the war in 
Vietnam to the Shah of Iran. The 
Shah, who recently bought a sizable 
interest in Pan American World Air- 
ways and who has been shopping for 
other high-prestige items in which to 
invest his country's vast oil profits, 
was reportedly "quite interested" in 
the offer, but negotiations broke down 
about three weeks ago over financial 
details of the transaction. American 
State Department officials had made 
the proposal immediately following 
the Shah's sudden decision to settle 
his long-standing feud with Iraq and 
cease supporting the Kurdish rebels 
who had sought to create an inde- 
pendent Kurdistan out of the north- 
ern portion of that country. They 
had figured — correctly, as it turned 




IS NATIONAL LAMPOON 



Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



out — that the Shah would be anxious 
to find another international conflict 
to replace the Iraqi confrontation in 
order to make up for the considerable 
loss of national stature which Iran 
suffered when it no longer had a war. 

"The Shah has a vision of Iran as 
a major nation-state," observed one 
senior State Department undersecre- 
tary privy to the negotiations; "he 
can easily afford a major conven- 
tional shooting war, and once Con- 
gress refused to come up with the 
money to bail out Saigon, it aeemed 
prudent to approach the Shah and 
offer him a piece of Vietnam. 1 * 

Under the State Department pro- 
posal, the Shah would have received 
a controlling interest in the thirty- 
year-old belligerency for $800 million 
in cash, with an option to buy the 
hostilities outright in three years. 
Presumably, Iranian troops would 
have been involved in the deal, and 
senior Iranian military officials would 
have been given a majority voice on 
the U.S. Army's Military Assistance 
Command, Vietnam. Whether the 
war's headquarters would have been 
shifted to Teheran is unknown. 

State Department insiders insist 
the deal isn't dead yet, in spite of the 
Shah's having balked at the high 
dollar figure. Secretary Kissinger has 
been personally involved in the take- 
over proposal (according to one as- 
sociate of the Secretary of State, 
Kissinger recently sent the Shah a 
list of countries like Canada, Mexico, 
Burundi, Upper Volta, and Bhutan, 
that have not been engaged in mili- 
tary operations in this century, and 
one with nations like the U,S,, the 
United Kingdom, and China, which 
have, and asked him on which list 
he would like to see Iran) and he is 
known to feel that if the U.S, side 
can throw in a "sweetener" — one 
possible one would be to allow Savek, 
the Iranian equivalent of the Central 
Intelligence Agency, to take over 
from the CIA effective domination of 
Chile — the Shah will go for the deal. 

If, as has been reported, former 
President Nixon is genuinely inter- 
ested in some sort of position in the 
foreign affairs field, it seems only fair 
that he should be given serious con- 
sideration when a selection is made 
to fill the now-vacant post of Honor- 
ary Consul in Argentina. D 



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Canadian 
Corner, 




In the course of an otherwise genteel 
conversation, a sensitive and intelli- 
gent American (the strict but fair 
copy editor of a national magazine 
whose name you'd recognize in a mo- 
ment) chanced to inquire whether 
Canadians write poetry; and, when 
pressed, admitted that she did not 
know there was any Canadian litera- 
ture. 

Moved rather to pity than to cen- 
sure, I composed the following reply. 
This one is for Louise: 

Of course, Canadians write poetry* 
Sweet suffering muses, do Lhey ever. 
Poetry is Canada's second greatest 
natural resource, I say second great- 
est on the assumption that persons 
more expert than myself can distin- 
guish it from natural gas. 

No basement printing press, no 
Xerox or Gestetner gets a moment's 
peace north of the forty-ninth par- 
allel, but they are kept busy churning 
out little magazines of verse, whose 
titles are invariably letters of the 
Greek alpliabet. 

Some Canadian bards the ApoL 
lonians— -write poetry (and let it be 
known they write poetry, i.e., pub- 
lish) in the hopes that their neighbors 
will henceforth think of them as sen- 
si tme, rather than timid. An example 
of the genre: 

At. dawn I heard 

A seagull scream 

In the sky over Moosenec, Ont 

And nearly wept. 

Oh, sister gull, my heart 

Like you is landlocked, and 

Like you, 

Sings. 

Others — the Dionysians — find in 
poetry the ideal mode of expression 
for such emotions as anger and lust; 
urges which, if not cast in verse, 
might lead to revolution or fornica- 
tion. Their work tends to the virile, 
the hard-bitten, yet is, withal, Ro- 
mantic. Viz: 

This one is for Catullus, 

and for the ladies of Cote St Luc 

and of a certain age, 

their daughters engaged, 

their eons in med school. 

You enter menopause via 

my modern poetry lectures 

at Sir George Williams University. 

Little do your wholesale hubbies 



suspect 
what steamy teen-age fantasies 
we entertain 
over Yeats and coffee. 

Occasionally, and in fact with in- 
creasing frequency, the young poets 
of Canada burst the Guttenherg- 
forged fetters of print, and sing, 
Self -accompanied, upon the guitar. 
Through the dauntless efforts of Joni 
and Gorden and Neil and, of course, 
Leonard, sentiments and metaphors 
which a mere generation ago would 
have enthralled only the elite, now 
fill the P.M. airwaves and, through 
the miracle of Muzak, translate a 
simple elevator ride into an ascent of 
Parnassus. 

And prose! Prose in Canada is writ- 
ten by the ream, the bolt, the acre. 
I am given to understand that New 
Zealand is the only other country on 
earth in which a high school graduate 
can still sit down at the typewriter, 
write a short story, and get up feeling 
as if he or she has done a full day's 
work. 

While American publishers hunt, 
relentless as Ahab, for the Great 
American Novel, Canadian editors, 
like Newfie squid-jiggers, lower their 
nets in hope of catching the Great 
Canadian Short Story. 

Canadian short stones start this 
way: 

"Gary?" 

"What?" 

"Oh, nothing," I said. 

He was looking out the window, at 
the falling snow. 

**It must have been something,*' he 
said. 

"I'm sorry about the baby," I said. 

The snow still fell beyond the win- 
dow, and suddenly I felt cold, 

Canadian short stories end this 

way: 

"It doesn't matter," I said, and put 
out my cigarette, "It doesn't matter 
at all." And I put on my coat and 
went out into the snow. 

Of the novel, it is perhaps best not 
to speak. 

And as for the drama—surely there 
has not been, since the London of the 
late, lamented Liz, a better time or 
place for playwrights than Canada to- 
riay! In 1967, to celebrate her Cen- 
tennial, Canada broke out in a rash 
of playhouses, large prestressed con- 
crete things which blossomed over* 
night, an acne of architectural curi- 
osities upon the face of the nation on 
the occasion of her cultural adole- 
scence. 

Now, every Confederation Mem- 
orial Arts Complex and Theatre, from 
Char lot own to the Queen Chariots, 




gapes, aching to be filled, if never by 
audiences, at least by performances. 

In Toronto, the recent success of a 
number of "kitchen sink" plays might 
be* in part, attributable to the recent 
addition of kitchen sinks to some of 
the better homes in that city. Art 
following in the van of technology, 
as that city's seer, Marshall Mc- 
Luhan, had predicted. 

Why (lien, one asks oneself, given 
this blizzard of manuscripts, this out- 
pouring of literature like nothing 
since the Irish Renaissance fthe 
Canuk Twilight?) — why is so little 
notice taken of Canadian Lit, abroad, 
or, in the Academies, at home? 

The answer lies in history. It is an 
axiom among the liberally educated 
that those who will not learn from 
history are condemned to switch 
to business administration. History 
teaches us that English Literature 
was not taken seriously, nor studied 
in the Universities of England, when 
Shakespeare, Swift, or Jane Austen 
wrote. It was not until, in the early 
Twentieth Century, scholars un- 
earthed Old English and Middle 
English, a vast quantity of boring, 
obscure, illegible and pointless manu- 
scripts, that Eng. Lit. could be taken 
seriously — that is, read for purposes 
that could In no way be confused 
with pleasure or information. 

Once it was established that there 
was a sufficient volume of writing in 
the mother tongue as tedious, wrong- 
headed, superstitious, meandering, 
and difficult as anything the Greek 
and Roman Classics had to offer, Eng. 
Lit, was "in." 

Much the same thing happened in 
the United States. American Litera- 
ture was neither taught nor learned 
when Whitman, Twain, and Melville 
were writing it. It became suitable 
for conversation among the learned, 
for scholarly journals, for grants and 
inclusion in curriculac, only when the 
professors had gleaned works by ob- 
scure pedants, fanatics, and fools — ■ 
Mather, Freneau, and Bradstreet — 
works so alien, gnarled, weird, and 
soporific that clearly no one could be 
suspected of reading them for instruc- 
tion or delight 

There will he no academic recogni- 
tion of Canadian Literature until the 
Chairmen of Departments and Edi- 
tors of Journals can be presented with 
a library of dog-eared folios which, 
in the real world, could be of con- 
ceivable interest only to a grapholog- 
ist, a masochist, or an archeologist. 
Canadian writers must create, here 
and now, the cannon of works consti- 
tuting the Middle English period of 
Canadian Literature. 

On birch bark, wherever possible, 
in a crabbed hand, and crammed with 
absurd grammatical errors and mia- 



20 NATIONAL LAMPOON 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



continued 



THIS COULD BE YOU! 




But it doesn't have to be, 

It's too late for him. Painful 
daily treatments are his only 
hope. 

It could have been a lot dif- 
ferent. If he had only acted 
sooner and paid a visit to the 
proper people, all of this would 
not be necessary. He can't even 
take a weekend trip without that 
man and that machine going 
along. 

Life can be beautiful, but 
only if we look after ourselves, 
Don't take chances. If you think 
something is wrong, do some- 



thing about it. 



~ 



This has been a public service mas sag* 
from the subscription department of the 
National lampoon, which urges you to 
look after your salt. We can't make you 
faugh If you're realty sick. 



SUBSCRIPTION BLANK 



The National Lampoon WLS7S 
63S MadLeon Ave.. Now York, Now York 10022 

Thanks lor the advice. My □ check orD money ordar 
ia am: i of. ed. 

I'm atlll thinking It over, go □ bill no for my oubscrlp- 
(fon. 

□ 1-yoar subscription — 

$ 7,95 {brvo f 4,05 off fllngfo copy price). 

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For Bach year add f1BQ tat Canada and Mexico, 
tf.CQ lot ioraign countrlaa, 

Alt checks must t*& nflj/flfj/fl within contttumtnt U.S. 
or CtmeOtt. 



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etmlinwd 

spellings, upon a suitably Canadian 
topic; Sir Gawaine and the Greene 
Beaver, the Sea-way Farer, and 
(from the Alberta Cycle) Piers 
Cowhand spring to mind. 

For my part, I propose to become 
the Canadian Chaucer, and have be- 
gun the Loganberry Tales, a saga 
narrated by a courrier de bois, a left- 
over Viking, an escaped French con- 
vict, a scalped Jesuit, an Iroquois— 
in short, a cross -section of medieval 
Canadian society — on route to a 
shrine south of the border, where they 
will do homage to an American 
dollar: 

Whan that April le with her sleete 

and snowe 
Unto the driftes of Marche hath 

added mo, 
And keens the gayle and blowth 

the Northern blizzard 
That yaf an ague unto every 

gizzard, 
The fields, frizz al with frosts yen 

for the boone 
Of Springe's first thawe that 

cometh in late June, 
Upon the pyne sleypen Ooakpik 

the Owle 
Bayvers doze yette, though starved 

wolffes growle, 
Then longen folke on pilgrimage 

to go 
To Plattsburge towne or eke to 

Buffalo. „ K 





<-AHKtSWK 

aaf FIRST, ART 

^f^AKT PELLiN L oVE 
WITH AjohNdeepe 

TCpy): art fell IN 

JF&ik* LOVE WIIH HIS „ 

OWWHAT? 




AKT FELL M10VE WITH 3P,00O 
teadof Aberdcea fin-sus, \<\ acres 
qv bwckweat, a ayro&cope AND 
OLP lARSTriRysft.TfeNBGiiBOH, 
I /\Dy e not tp mmtion Ker GMT-) 
H£R *T QpandcWIdfto., tier sfpve, 
AND W(a) local aoslMiug;/ 

If fate <k-'€fit&d. tMtttttHU'+n 




22 NATIONAL LAMPOON 



PlLUGOtA 



In our tireless pursuit of the true, the 
beautiful, and the good, we Lampoon 
people sometimes overindulge in — 
well, let's face it — destructive criti- 
cism. And, as everybody knows, it's 
a lot easier to tear down than to build 
up, This continuing feature is an at- 
tempt, on our part, to say something 
nice. To praise, when praise is due, 
those people, products, and services 
we have had the good fortune to sam- 
ple and enjoy, Under no circum- 
stances will our judgment be colored 
or influenced by the €e free" aspect of 
the test sample- — but, on the other 
hand, it's difficult to give a really 
good, objective review to something 
you kauen't experienced, 

A lot of people think exotic British 
sports cars aren't worth shit any- 
more. Mind you, that's not neces- 
sarily my opinion — it's just what I 
hear people saying. Myself, well, I 
don't like to make hasty decisions. 
I'm a responsible person. I know the 
Nat Lamp carries a lot of weight with 
the ever-niore-affluent youth market. 
And it'd be nothing but false mod- 
esty if I said my views didn't have 
a big effept on the magazine's edi- 
torial slant, Especially about cars. 
Bruce McCall and I make all the 
decisions about cars around here. 
And if Bruce and I were to get a 
notion in our heads about certain 
automobiles ... a notion, say for in- 
stance, like, "exotic British sports 
cars aren't worth shit anymore" , . . 
we'd probably splash that notion all 
over the pages of the National Lam- 
poon and before you knew it that 
would be every young American's 
opinion. So I'm not making any snap 
judgments. And I'm not saying I be- 
lieve all those stories about engines 
falling out of Jensen-Healeys or 
Aston Martins exploding at stoplights 
or TVRs all catching fire if you turn 
on the map light and the radio at 
the same time or even that one about 
termites in the Morgan factory. Not 
until I have all the facts, the way I [ 

Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



do about Fiat's fahulous new X 1/9. 
Maybe the X 1/9 isn't tare or race- 
bred, but the design is superb, the 
craftsmanship excellent, the handling 
divine, and the color is a deep, rich, 
chocolate brown that I can't imagine 
how the factory knew was my favor- 
ite. In fact, my only complaint is 
that all the bothersome, power-rob- 
bing emissions-control systems "just 
fell off" the moment I started the en- 
gine and "had to be replaced" by a 
full set of Abarth cams, pistons, 
valves, and exhaust headers, and a 
pair of dual Webers with custom 
built manifold at no cost to me. 
(Maybe it's not quite legal, but the 
stupid New York State Inspection 
station people will never know the 
dif.) Let me tell you, I love the Fiat 
X 1/9, and maybe I'm silly, but I 
don't think "life of the car" is too 
long to have an automobile to test 
drive at all. Probably, all you readers 
should buy one, but I'll let you know 
for sure as soon as I have all the facts 
on; 

1. Morgan Plus 4 (with climax- 
prepared aluminum V-8, maroon 
with cream fenders) 

2. Aston Martin (Canary yellow, 
Shooting Brake) 

3. Jensen-Healey (decamber front 
end 3%Konis all around and a 
spoiler) 

4. TVK (in silver with Blaupunkt 
AM/FM, please) 

(A thousand in small bills will take 
care of McCall.) 

I am told The Venus Touch mas- 
sage parlor on East 59th Street offers 
a refreshing and delightful pause for 
the weary. I would like to attest to 
this hut cannot, never haviug suffi- 
cient funds with which to gain ad- 
mittance. However, if said establish- 
ment's services were made available 
on a trial basis, I'm sure I'd be a 
most gracious and satisfied reviewer. 

P.K. 

There is good news this monlh for 
Canadian music lovers. In its wis- 
dom, something called the CRTC 
ordained, some time ago, that the 
songs winch grace the Canadian air- 
waves must be, in large part, Cana- 
dian in origin, lest the hidden refer- 
ences to Time and the Reader's Di- 
gest, buried in the lyrics of many an 
American tune, corrupt the true pa- 
triotic love commanded of all Can- 
ada's sons. As a direct result, Ian 
Tyson has become one of the richest 
men on earth, and some pretty lame 
music has received a lot of airplay. 

But those days are over. The ex- 
periment — to force Canadian youth to 
produce pop music as mindless and 
boring as anything the rest of the 

continued on page 28 



Ivan Iteilman presents 




® 



New York's funniest live review 

Now Playing 

at New York's newest cabaret theatre 

The New Paladium 

In theTime-Life Bui!ding,120 West 51 ST. (212) 974-6740 

Laughs! Music! Burgers! Lust! 

Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 




Name That 
Contest 

Competition and rugged individualism 
are the passwords in thin exciting con- 
test The rule* arc simple and the prizes 
big. Just like real life, 

* Contest Rules * 

All you have to do is come up with a 
contest idea involving Cold Turkey, On 
the other hand, if you £**n*t eome up 
with a Gold Turkey idea* don't. We don't 
really care 1 When you get right down to 
it, any good contest idea will do. It's the 
thought that counts. Spelling also 
counts. 

* Prizes * 

First Prize 

First Prize will be selected hy our expert 
panel (no bribe is too small), 

1 . Round trip tickets for two to New 
York City (a leading metropolis). 

2. Dinner for two plus tickets to the all 
new National Lampoon Show, live at 
the New Palladium. 

3. You and your escort will be offered a 
chance to appear in Foto Funnies (or 
a similar National Lampoon feature). 

4. You get to spend one hour talking 
with Mr. Gold Turkey himself, Brian 
McConnachie, St., Lampoon Editor, 
world renowned raconteur, bon vivonl 
and drinker. 

Second Prize 

50 entrants will receive one year sub- 
scriptions to National Lampoon. 

Third Prize 

Once you get down this far, it's really 
not worth a prize. 

Ol course, this contest is void where pro- 

hibited by law, Contest closes June 6 t 
1975, 

Send to : National Lampoon Depl PR 
63 5 Madison Avenue 
New York, NY. 10022 




• A one-legged, seventy-one-year- 
old woman In London got. into her 
special invalid car, ran over her 
lodger, and then died when her car 
went out of control, burst into 
flames, and exploded, 

Police reported that Miss Esther 
O'Keefe of Dagenham, in northeast 
London, had a violent argument 
with her lodger, Miss Marion 
Marsh, thirty-nine. Miss Marsh left 
the house and went to a nearby 
park. Miss O'Keefe followed her in 
her specially-made, single seat, gas- 
oline driven invalid car. She chased 
her lodger for five miles before 
knocking her down. 

Two men lifted the car off Miss 
Marsh, but Miss OVKeefe sped off; 
then the car spun out of control, 
burst into flames, and blew up* Miss 
O'Keefe died in a hospital of bums. 
Miss Marsh was treated for shock 
and bruises, Vancouver Sun (A. 
Renwick) 

• While Miodrag Ivanovic, a can- 
dlemaker in Belgrade, Yugoslavia, 
was reading the paper in the living 
room of the building that serves as 
both his house and his shop, a cow 
fell through the ceiling. 

The cow had escaped from a 
slaughterhouse in Kraljevo, south 
of Belgrade. It ended up in a park 
in Belgrade, and after being cor- 
nered by pursuers, it ran down a 
street, climbed up a pile of lumber 
stacked next to Mr. Ivanovic's 
house, and scampered onto his roof, 
which then collapsed, causing sev- 
eral hundred dollars in damage. 

Butchers dispatched the trouble- 
some quadruped with a humane- 
killer pistol, but glasscutters had to 
be called in to dismantle Mr. Ivan- 
ovo's shop window when it was 
discovered that his front door was 



too narrow for the carcass. 

"What does one do/' observed 
Mr, Ivanovic philosophically, "when 
a cow falls through your roof and 
lands on the couch next to where 
you're sitting?" Associated Press 
(Frank Brown) 

♦ The sobering fact that available 
700 statistics indicate that one ele- 
phant keeper has died for every calf 
elephant sired in a European zoo 
inspired Dr. Russell Jones, a re- 
search fellow at the London Zoo, to 
develop a method of inseminating 
female elephants without the need 
to directly involve a male or bull 
elephant, which is always a difficult 
beast to handle and at mating times 
is actually murderous. 

Br. Jones recently completed an 
African safari during which he 
devised a technique for obtaining 
elephant semen from bulls in the 
wild for eventual artificial inscm 
ination in females. His key equip 
merit consisted of a large, custom 
built aluminum probe and a twelve 
volt car battery. After drugging the 
bull elephant by shooting il with a 
special dart rifle, Dr, Jones and his 
staff placed hats on the immobilized 
elephants' heads to shield their eyes 
from the sun during the operation, 
and then inserted the aluminum 
probe into the animal's rectum, at- 
tached the car battery to the probe, 
and sent a hefty electrical shock 
into its reproductive tract. About a 
Hter of sperm was produced in this 
manner. 

The sperm is preserved by mix- 
ing it with egg yolk, freezing it with 
liquid nitrogen, and placing it in 
plastic straws developed in France 
for storing bull semen. When it 
comes time to inseminate a female, 
the straws will be thawed out and 
fired into a female's uterus through 
a special polyethylene tube. London 
Times (Arthur Prager) 

• After being taken to a desolate 
section of town and raped by the 
driver of a car she had stopped in 
the mistaken belief that it was a 
taxicab, a sixty-two-year-old Eliza- 
beth, N.J,, woman demanded that 
her attacker drive her home. Ac- 
cording to police who interviewed 
her after the incident, her assailant 
complied. Elizabeth Daily Journal 
(M. Zabitc) 

A cms-year subscription or the 
equivalent value in Nntional fjim- 
f)t)tin products will be i*ivon for it 
used. Send entries to: Trite F 
tsjatinn.il Lampoon, 635 Madison 
Ave., NX, N.Y. 10022. 



24 NATIONAL LAMPOON 



Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



UsTar< 
would rath- 



smokers 
than switc 




mm^ Tareyton 

is better. 



Charcoal is why* 

Tareyton's activated charcoal 

delivers a better taste, 

A taste no plain white filter can match. 



Warning; The Surgeon General Has Determined 
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous toYoui Health. 



King Size: 20 mg. "tar", 1.3 mg. nicotine; 100 mm: 19 mtj. "tar", 14 mg. nicotine; av. per cigarette, FTC ftepart Oct. 74. 

Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



Me¥e onfirovfthjoy* 
We need your dough, that's truly so 

\ When you pay youi 
Me gotta make oui 
the name of th< 



((»- 




l.QQO.000 



t mm 




075.000 r^ 

fit 



750,000 



K0NAL 





f 






Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 






'fe gotta hit, make 5fni throw a fit! 

otta fill our quota and not with soda! 

noney, we get real funny! f 

joal, so open up your roM! » : ' 

,ord, buy the reeord! - ^ 

otta! 



I i 




r; 




NA 





> 



\ 






«•• «*££,*>«»* 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



continued from page 21 

world can come up with — has suc- 
ceeded. An album called Day Coach 
Rider, by Paul Btoddart and Bruce 
Gockburn, arrived gratis and unso- 
licited in our offices last week, with 
a lovely lump of maple sugar en- 
closed. We loved the sugar, and even 
without giving the album a spin can 
assure our Canadian readers that 
they won't go far wrong in shelling 
out for this platter. 

And a real winner, a sure shot, 
chart-bound all the way, is a single 
out of Montreal's Ko-Tai Music by 
a dynamite group called Morning 
Haze. Its title is "Too Bad," and the 
lyrics, which bridge the gap between 
Cole Porter and Peter Town send, 
promise to make this baby a bullet. 

S.K, 

Copy editing is often a thankless 
task. Slaving over almost illegible 
manuscripts, working to make sense 
out of ungrammatical, unpunctuated, 
and misspell ed copy, staying in the 
office until the wee hours trying to 
pull it all together while the editors 
carouse at some nearby pub (gratis, 
more often than not) , often makes a 
copy editor desirous of impaling 
someone on his or her red pencil. He 



(or more often, she) is the unsung, 
unthought-of hero/ine of the pub- 
lishing industry, remaining steady 
and true at the helm of the editorial 
vessel while the editors get soused 
below. Writers may build the ship; 
but the copy editor keeps it afloat, 
so to speak. The fate of an editor's 
chef d'oeuvre often rests in his/her 
tired grasp; and those nasty mistakes 
that crop up too often in magazine 
articles, inciting many a writer to 
frenzy or worse, may well result from 
a poor, overworked, underrewarded 
copy editor's exhaustion and, frankly, 
disgust. 

It would also seem that the out- 
side world ignores this often humble 
but supremely important member of 
the profession. Who receives tickets, 
record albums, liquor, and other com 
plimentary niceties expressing public 
gratitude for a job well done? The 
editors. But who is left, unsung and 
unmourned, in a small, dingy office, to 
get that rag out, month after lonely 
month? The copy editor. 

The above is not a plea for favors. 
Far from it. It is only one small 
voice, crying out for some under- 
standing, some small crumb of recog- 
nition. Ads have been run upside- 



down in the past; copy has, in the 
course of editing, become almost un- 
recognizable. After all, an upset copy 
editor often makes mistakes. Lots of 
them. 

How can we best characterize the 

pnncipMl tendencies in today's youth 
market? Simple, you say. Our young 
people want a new life, a better life; 
they want to "get away from it all," 
at least for a while. They exhibit a 
certain not altogether unjustified de- 
sire to get something tor no thing. 
They like a good laugh. They like 
action. Above all, they display a re- 
newed interest in the sea. How would 
an intelligent movie producer — not 
that any of the ones known to this 
writer lack ample supplies of the 
old gray matter— best exploit the 
new tide of feelings shown by youth 
in the seventies? Even simpler, you 
respond. Any producer with a brain 
in his head and a buck in the bank 
would cause la be set in motion the 
exciting and relatively inexpensive 
process of making a funny movie 
about pirates. 

Not only would such an under- 
taking be assured of success, but 

continued on page 83 









Un 




1 

MICE 


His time has dome! 





Driven off the stage, busted and 
broken, his body dead but never 
his spirit, hypocrisy and stupidity 
dogged Lenny Bruce throughout 
his life. 

But the last word Is with the artist 
as always. He is beyond their control 
now, they cannot touch him and he 
can give the ffgger to society. He can 
no longer be silenced. 

Hear the original screamingly funny 
- u es that mad© Lenny the greatest 

of our time, plus material 
ir oefore on an LP. 



Collected 
set with a 
andafrei 



lasy double LP 
alph J, Gleaso 



BRUCE 



THE REAL U, ,, 

(Fantasy F-79003) 

available wherever records are l 

Other albums by Lenny Bruce on Faniasj 
F-70U1-lntorviowB of Our Tims F-7003-Sick 1 
F-7007-Toeftlhftrntes F-7011 -American F-7L 
Fantasy F.70 17 -Thank You Ma*kad Man F-34201-Liv. 







28 NATIONAL LAMPOON 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



- ASK" 
MUSTIER 

by Dr. Hugo Flesch 



Send your mysterious communica- 
tions, incomprehensible missives, 
coded dispatches, secret messages,tmd 
unintelligible cryptograms to Dr. Ci 
pher, world's foremost authority , care 
of this magazine. 

Mrs.R. C. Colak of Gen naine, Wis- 
consin, here is your husband's final 
message : 

VIP IB BSFL 

COME AT ONCE 
POBLE TOR DPNF 

UNABLE TO SPELL 

For Miss Nancy Clay well, a regis- 
tered nurse here in New York, Leo 
wishes to privately convey the fol- 
lowing: 

ROTW YGE 

CANNOT FIND 

GXLJ QISMPI 

READING OIA55FS 

Here is an interesting message from 
a recent college graduate: 

TFU BUPLD GPS 

I LOVED YOUR 

RRNBS ABT 

MOTHER FIRST 

Mrs. B. F, Grackle of Teaboro, Mas- 
sachusetts, your note was one of the 
easiest to unravel: 

fiPM IOU 

RECORD OWES 

DMA FDR 

MOLECULE DIME 

Incidentally, I'm sure you have a 
very nice boarding house. What would 
be the harm in letting the boys play 
cards out in the open? 

Mrs. Maggie Weston of Welling- 
ton^ Pennsylvania, your husband 
says; 



SAFETY HNS READY HQR DIAPER HQN 

Playfully, he goes on: 




SAFETY PINS MAKE WILLING PARTNERS 

continued 







The proud Basque peasant wears a shoe 
that's as rugged as the country he lives in. 

Now Clarks brings this shoe to America, 
formenand women. It'sso tough wecall it 
the Rhino. 

Clarks* Rhino is an incredibly tough-skimied 
canvas hoot —almost as strong and sturdy as 
the hardy Basques themselves. 

They must wear tough shoes like the Rhino, 
since they wrest their living from 
some of the ^y 
most difficult ter- ^* 
rain in Europe -the 
.ja^jred, primitive Western 
Pyrenees that, are criss-crossed 
with narrow defiles and high foot- 
paths. So, the Basques must scale steep 
trails that often wind high beyond where even 
^ their sure-tooted burros can g9« 
| IHHil H Fur a country like this, Lhe Rhino is perfect. 

Its heavy two-ply canvas is welded to thick, vulcanized rubber soles that have 
treads as deep as a truck tire's. 

IJ Rhinos can cling to the stone paths of the Pyrenees, they can hold i heir 
ground anywhere, 

Lneidentally, since the peaks of the Pyrenees catch every storm 
from the North, they are often drenched with moisture. 

So a day spent climbing there would usually mean wet feet, 
excepl that the Rhino has a removable inner sole of natural 
A ~ hemp which, when wet, the Basques 
out and dry over their campfhvs. 
You could do the same, with 
your Rhinos. 

Yon can wear 
your Rhinos any- 
where. r lh town, to school, to work. 

You can even wear them out to the barn - ~ Qp ENGLAND 

which may he the only way you can wear Made by skilled hands the world oven 
them out. 

INTRODUCING CLAKKS 





C-IaaMi 




Clarks Rhino, available in Basque brown, blue denim and navy blue. Rugged low 
and high cut styles, an exceptional value at about S25.0U. For the store nearest you 
write Lo Clarks, Box 161, FDR Station, RY, NY. M)2Z DepL.HA 



Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



Warehouse 
Sound Co. 



M*& 



^ 



»*w.. 



*?,•* 






>**.; 






w 






I'm shocked! Can this really be happening right here 
in. the US of A? Send me your new hi-fi catalog, 
Warehouse Sound, so I can get the TRUE story. 



address 



city^ 



.state. 



-zip- 



Send SI for first class postage and get either: 
_Music Machine Almanac -120 pg. color hhfi guide 

our 64 page Professional Products Catalog 

j of send $2 and get all three J 

OR call Bandy, Don. Sonny or Joe at 805/543-2330 

Railroad Square, P.O. Box S, San Luis Obispo, C A 93405 



X-5 



continued 

Then concludes 



I DROPPED 




THE 



SAFETY 



PINS 



Lee-Ann, your classmates' conver- 
sation went like this: 

Willy; OMECAY OVERWAY 

YOU ARE 

OTWAY Y«AY 

A LATIN 

OUSEHAY 

PIG 
Tom: 1XNAY CURVAY 

NO I'M 

OUSEHAY 

NOT fA LATIN PIG) 
Willy: SI YMAY 

YES YOU 

OUSEHAY 

ARE (A LATIN PIG) 
Tom: PUGILAY LACKBAY 

RAISE YOUR 

EVEWAY 

DUKES 

I put in the part about the dukes 
myself, but it*s obvious that that's 
where they were headed, Lee-Ann. 
Give the note to your teacher. 

Dorothy Billings of Friendship, 
Connecticut, no ? your husband 
doesn't believe your version of the 
car accident* He says: 

i nr c 

f DOT THAT 

n U ED 

VERY MUCH DOTTie 

Confidential: M. h. t your reply 

from I). 8. is as follows: 



DOT'S 



"1 

FOR 



□ 

SURE 



DOLL BABY 

Mr, Arnold S. Blunt of New York 
City, you were indeed being robbed. 
Your message reads: 



D 



GIMME DOT 

Ted, Frank wishes to say: 



12 

AM 



11 

GOING 



36 

WITH 



18 36 

ROXANNE 



Brad's report is: 



1 12 11 18 16 41 

I AM GOING WITH BEATRIX 

The message your brother sent to 
Frank was: 

TOO BAD D 



,']0 NATIONAL LAMPOON 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



There ore 
159*090 reasons 

to buy it* 




159,090 owners had their reasons for 
choosing a TEAC 1200/ 
2300 series over any other 
tape deck. Universities, 
record companies, audlo- 
phileS; musicians, audio 
testing labs and recording 
studios — all with differ- 
ent reasons. 
Yet all with the same 
reason: Reliability. 
The innovation behind 
this unparalleled pcr- 
fo i" rfts n ee record ? 
TEAC's 3-motor/3-head 
tape transport system. 
(Three heads for the in- 
dividual functions of 
erase, record and play 
back. And three motors, 
driving feed and takeup 
reels, and the capstan. ) 
Our 1230 became the 
yardstick yf the indus- 
try . Our 2300S is the 
same but better, with 
significant electronic 
improvements. Total 
touch-button control 
with logic circuitry now 
enables you to shift in- 
stantly from fast forward 
to fast rewind, and to record 
from pause or directly from play- 
back. With total remote capability. 
Bias and ECJ switches adjust for the 
new tapes. And there's more. 
Check out the classic 2300S. And if you de- 
cide that it is unbeatable in performance and 
price, just remember — you're not alone. 



The clossic 
2300S. 



TEAC 

The leader. Always has been. 



I h.v ' Coyptt-fltfon of America- 7733 'Mi'i^'i 11 ' ttwfcfc m*-i;u.IhJU>. CuUfbmiN inn; hi 
Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



Blue Cross 
in Peace & War 



by Tony I lei id ra 



T, 



he American Blue Cross was born of a dream. Cross recruiters were not allowed behind the German 

It was and still is the dream of thousands and thou- lines, (Blue Cross suspicions regarding the enemy's 

sands of devoted men and women who, down attitude towards universal coverage were later con* 

through the decades, have dedicated themselves to finned by American prisoners who described how 

ensuring that one day, every person on this planet, ruthless Iron Cross nurses laughingly tore their poll* 



of whatever race, creed, or political shade of opin- 
ion, would have adequate medical coverage. The fa- 
miliar blue emblem is the symbol of hope the world 
over. To the prosperous citizen in times of peace, it 
means an armored truck outside the bank; to sur- 
vivors of a disaster, natural 01 otherwise, it means Lue 
friendly plane with a cargo of emergency policies* 
Wherever and whenever the little blue cross is found, 
in fact, it means one thing and one thing only. People 

2 helping people pay through the nose, 
like how the idea began* no one is sure. Cer- 
during the early decades of the century, as 
doctors began to realize how hopelessly underpaid 

they were for their services, and as hospitals, from the organization turned its attention from the honors 
being inefficient and haphazard manifestations of of combat to the horrors of civilian life. The tireless 
charity, became thriving industries, the notion of col- workers of the Blue Cross set out to bring coveiage 
lee ting large amounts of money from healthy people to everyone who needed it, and their friendly teams 
was definitely in the air. But it was not until the First of nurses and volunteers went out across the land, 
World War, with its constant threat of instant disfig- forms, pamphlets, and pens always at the ready. At 



cies to shreds before their vvjy eyes. ) 

America's entry into the war ended any hopes of 
neutrality, and the Blue Cross thenceforth devoted 
itself to the protection of its own countrymen. The 
doughboys, well aware of the butcher-shop medical 
care they could expect from the Army, signed up in 
their thousands, and many actually received benefits 
once peacetime made it possible to process their 
claims. One of the more celebrated was a then little- 
known Blue Cross volunteer called Ernest Heming- 
way, whose false testicles were almost entirely paid 
for under the terms of his Blue Cross plan. 



w: 



the ending of "the war to end all wars,' 



urement and massive in- 
jury, that it became 
possible for the Ameri- 
can Blue Cross to really 
prey upon the fears of 
the public. At first* due 
to the official neutrality 
of the United States, 
the idealistic young 
"muses" and "doctors'* 
of the Blue Cross con- 
ceived their mission as 
being to cover all com- 
batants in the war, irre- 
spective of which side 
they were on, This did 
not go down too well 
with the Kaiser, how 
ever ■ — whose Chancel- 
lor Bismarck had foist- 
ed a spurious form of 
"free' 1 medical c'are 
upon his unsuspecting 
subjects « and Bine 




EARLY DAYS. In the dark hours of World War I, 
it was often difficult for the Blue Cross to disseminate 
information about its coverage. Here, a Blue Cross 
volunteer explains to a group of rapt listeners the 
idea of a "deductible.*' 



this time, the foimativi; 
years of the Blue Cross 
as a nationwide organi- 
zation, the emphasis 
was on emeigeney re- 
lief, on getting bits of 
paper into people 6 
hands that would give 
them some immediate 
peace of mind. Blue 
Cross workers signed 
up anyone, anywhere, 
and let the rest take 
care of itself. In this 
they were undoubtedly 
helped by the mood of 
the country. It was the 
era of jimmy Walkei — 
a time of vast specula 
tion in the market and 
the numbers racket 
livery one could s»p«ii c a 
little each month on the 
off chance that it he or 



52 NATIONAL LAMPOON 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



caminufd 




tf • 



* 

i 


\ 3 V 


pi 





^JS 



fl 



"i* 



The 



Copyr i ght ©2007 Nat i ona l Lampoon I nc. 



she got really sick, they might not have to be ruined. 
It was a long shot, of course, but in the roaring twen- 
ties, the gamble was half the fun. 

In this context, the Depression was, for the Blue 
Cross, a godsend. Now, instead of being little more 
than amusing sideshow, medical coverage became a 
matter of life and death. As always where misery and 
suffering strike, the Blue Cross was in the front line. 
Into the dust bowls and floods of the nation it 
plunged, onto the breadlines and window ledges of 
history it stepped. Wherever there was any money 
left the Blue Cross found it and put it to work. 



extent that the potential patient didn't have to con- 
cern himself with any aspect of his treatment. The 
doctors who ran Blue Cross simply talked it over with 
the doctors who didn't. In some cases, even thb time- 
wasting process was eliminated, and a Blue Cross doc- 
tor would simply talk over the matter with himself. 
With these organizational problems behind it, the 
Blue Cross was finally ready to face the greatest chal- 
lenge of its history — World War II. 



a; 



T 

lh< 



. he Depression was a time of violent change. The 
transition from Hoover to Roosevelt, as in so many 
other areas, was for medical insurers the transition 
from competition to cooperation. The Blue Cross had 
always seen itself in friendly competition with the 
medical establishment for the public dollar, and had 
therefore taken its financial health for granted. Now, 
however, that health, the very cornerstone of the 
system, was threatened. People refused to pay their 
doctors; hospital stockholders, like those in any other 
industry, were watching their holdings disappear 
overnight. Some were even misled by the peculiar 
nature of the times into thinking that since they had 
nothing else, at least they deserved to stay healthy 
for nothing. It was time Lo join hands and overcome 
the threat. 

The Blue Cross, as ever, came up trumps. In those 
cases in which medical benefits actually had to follow 
the payment of premiums, it decided to provide not 
financial remuneration to those in need, but services. 
Thus, the needy not only received occasional ad- 
mission to hospitals and rudimentary medical care — 
they also were relieved of the burden of knowing the 
frankly embarrassing sums doctors and hospitals got 
for their services. The scheme was an instant success. 
The silence of the public was assured, and the finan- 
cial health of the medical community was main- 
tained. More importantly, the specter of "free" medi- 
cal care — "the easy 
way out,'* as President 
Roosevelt described it 
to his private medical 
staff — with all its at- 
tendant ills of under- 
paid doctors, volunteer 
help, and nonprofit hos- 
pitals, was laid to rest 
once and for all The 
Blue Cross worked 
more and more closely 
with the medical com- 
iiiuniLy, clinching its 
success by appointing to 
its governing boards 
only those people 
whose income derived 
from the provision or 
administration of health 
services. ¥ Thus, -by the 
end of the thirties, the 
whole system had been 
streamlined to such an 



"Ho you wouldn't sign up with Blue Cross, huh* Joe? You 

thought major medical and genera! coverage were the brass. 

huh, tJoe'i" 



k broad, it set up the International Blue Cross 
Committee in Geneva, where many of its operations 
had already been transferred due to banking obliga- 
tions. The IBCC sent out workers into the field, to 
bring insurance relief to the millions of displaced 
civilians all over Europe, to investigate reports that 
internees of concentration camps had inadequate 
coverage, to ensure that premiums were promptly 
paid, and to coordinate the vast number of claims 
pouring in from all parts of a world torn by the 
savagery of war. If a soldier in North Africa whose 
leg had been amputated had a claim that went astray, 
for instance, it would eventually arrive at the Cen^ 
tral Agency in Geneva, where the IBCC's huge net- 
work of interlocking communications would make 
sure it stayed that way. 

At home, the American Blue Cross Association, 
now firmly ensconced in its new headquarters in Chi- 
cago, home of so many other pioneers in the protec- 
tion field, launched a massive campaign to cover the 
home front. As in the previous conflict, the atmo- 
sphere of panic and abject terror played perfectly 
into its hands. To these powerful inducements was 
now added a further incentive, as myriad new indus- 
tries mushroomed overnight to supply the war effort, 
creating working conditions that were, if anything, 
more hazardous than those on the battlefield, and 
giving rise to dozens oi new and faLal diseases. The 
Association was hard put to meet the demands of the 
civilian sector, but happily, the simultaneous emer- 
gence of the big labor unions made possible yet an- 
other innovation in its 
long history of humani- 
tarian firsts — the group 
plan* Under this system, 
the union simply deliv- 
ered its enormous mem- 
bership to the Blue 
Cross for their protec- 
tion, under one policy. 
Blue Cross then calcu- 
lated the predictability 
of "trouble" in units per 
thousand (the regula- 
tion standard was 
twenty-three claims per 
thousand annually) and 
adjusted premiums ac- 
cordingly. Of course, if 
their estimate turned 
out to be too low, rates 
were adjuster! Upwards, 
providing workers with 
a much needed incen- 
tive to wear hard hats 

has declared 




MILITARY POLICY, Army treatment in the Second 
World War was so bad that enlisted men were urged 
to supplement it with their own Blue Cross plans. 



consumer groups, 



^Recently, the International Blue Cross Association, under misguided pressure from 

that a majority of members of its governing Boards should be people who do not derive their incomes from health services, 

This majority's own health, however, still remains at the discretion of the minority who do. 



34 NATIONAL LAMPOON 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



aftse cou&rLs&& hours* bbmsatm 

AN /NFF&NAL SUN, THB &/&LS AfZE, 
FINALLY RGLSASBP FJZ0M THB CA<5ES„ 



SEE, BONNIE, 
I HOP& THESE 
NIP© GIVE U€> 
A BREAK 
SOON. 




NOWu.TELL MS../V SO? WHAT FONT 
HOW you CANCEL, TVP^FACe VOU 
LEGAL FOLIC! Ee USE FOR AVAREA/ 
WITH 9SFM&& A. CLAUSES?! 




&mrrBP£f*AL. 

A P P MM AL 
POX ANNUAL. 
UATSt 

iwcmmAvmB ?// 




om,bonni£,i can't 
stanp it. let's 




€&> 



a 7LL3BTTY 
SUCCUMB 

TO THB 
&HASTLY 

ttd&t-ujz&s 

OF THB 

PR. MOJO 9 

A&£ &LU£ 
CROBSS VITAL 
&BC&&T0OF 
M&&LECT ANP> 

SAf^B ? 

PGN'TMISS 

mbxt w«sa:s 
rmwATE 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



KTATurvMAT t A&jmnrtitT nc 




Are you covered? 



NATIONAL LAMPOON 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



continued 

and check their breasts regularly. A further refine- 
ment enabled employers to deduct premiums di- 
rectly from employees* paychecks. At last, the 
individual worker no longer had to worry about how 
much money he paid for protection, where it was go- 
ing, what it was being spent on, or who spent it. In 
essence, this remains the way in which the Blue Cross 
protects the public to this day, and if the public re- 
sponse is anything to go by, the public approves. It 
had better, if it wants to stay healthy. 

With the termination of the war, however, and the 
removal of the immediate dangers it brought in its 
wake, the malcontents began once more to arise. 
The customary clamor for "free" medical care was 
heard once more throughout the land, fanned into a 
red heat by the many misguided individuals who had 
infiltrated the nation immediately before and during 
the war. 



after planeload of emergency group plans and ball- 
point pens to the stricken population. 



Dt 



B 



'omestically, the only threat to the Blue Cross 
Association's future security came in 1 965 .when Con- 
gress, many said foolishly, passed Social Security 
Amendments, providing "free" benefits for the aged 
and the poor under the misleading names of Medicare 
and Medicaid (referred to by some wags as Nocare 
and Band-Aid)* Luckily, the potential for disaster in 
this decision was averted when the. government rea- 
lized that most of the doctors and hospitals it would 
be relying on for its ill-advised scheme were already 
doing highly satisfactory business with the Blue Cross 
Association, and that many, if not all, of the patient 
records it would need were already in its complex and 
extremely uncooperative computers. Wisely, the gov- 
ernment decided to let the Blue Cross administer the 
entire program. 



' ut this was not the gaunt era of the Depression, 
The Association was ready. It was strong, organized, 
legally untouchable. Furthermore, it had the horrific 
experiences of those nations who had been foolhardy 
enough to rush into programs of socialized medicine 
— such as Britain — -to point to. Doctors and hospital 
administrators in such programs were in a wretched 
state. Granted insufficient vacations, unable to afford 
decent wine cellars, compelled to work in abrasive 
and ugly surroundings, they became careless, weary, 
and diffident/' 1 '* The public was appalled by the poten- 
tial for tragedy proponents of "automatic" or "guar- 
anteed" health-care were toying with t and the Blue 
Cross made short work of the opposition* 



T. 



S, 



ince then, the Blue Cross has had little to do but 
grow as the nation grew. The International Blue Cross 
Committee con tinned to function superbly. In the 
Hungarian Revolution, the 1BCC did everything in 
its power to try to make sure that all those involved 

in the conflict had at 

least Major Medical. Not 
surprisingly, the comm- 
unists wouldn't allow the 
organization through 
their frontiers, but there 
are stories of refugees 
staggering across the 
border between that ill- 
fated country and Aust- 
ria, and signing anything 
put in front of them, 
grateful for even the 
tiny amount of coverage 
that their paltry sums 
would buy. In Katanga, 
on the other hand, the 
1BCC penetrated deep 
into the heart of the in- 
surgent territory, fear- 
lessly piloting planeload 



oday, the Blue Cross stands as a monument to 
enlightened free enterprise. It remains a nonprofit 
organization, allowing only the individuals within 
that organization to profit, but never the organization 
itself. In a democratic society, it can point with pride 
to itself as the only institution in which more than a 
hundred million people have no say whatsoever in 
how they are treated, and no voice in choosing the 
people whose decisions are a matter of life and death 
to them. And perhaps most importantly, the Blue 
Cross Association has enabled the American people 
to avoid the baffling morass of bewildering forms, 
delays, malpractice, corruption, and callousness of 
the much-vaunted systems of socialized medicine 
which have plagued so many other societies. It has 
given them, instead, the baffling morass of bewilder- 
ing forms, delays, malpractice, corruption, and cal- 
lousness of the American Blue Cross. That, in the 
final analysis, is the American way. Q 




TO GET ALONG, GO ALONG. California Blue Cross volunteers remove 
the body of a man badly injured by his coworkers when he refused to 
participate in a local group plan, Not only did this unfortunate individual 
have to surfer the disapproval of his fellows — he had to pay for his treat - 
ment himself. 



*A phRnomenon which still occur* in America, whfln medical authorities are forced to treat Medicare or Medicaid 
patients without recourse to normally accepted modes of remuneration, such as triple-billing or unlimited supplies of narcotics. 



Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



NATIONAL LAMPOON 37 




tm 




on ABC 



DONALD BYRD 
Stepping IntoTomorrow 



m 



AKIN' IT - ROCK AND ROLL AGAIN 
THINK TWICE 
VETHE QIRL ■ DESIGN A NATION 



on Blue Note 




on Elektra 







1 \^m Jiti.nni *umm 






1 ~ 


'Iff* N 




\ fM ■^^3L 1 ;1W 




L^JMU v 




f 1 1 JP'» 


j2 


rj^ihiiitiw 



<a GOLDEN 
^r SABRING 




SWITCH 



TRACK MCA 



on ABC 



on MCA 




John Prine 

Common Sense 





on Attantic 



on Polydor 




on Capitol 



flOOj 


xfl, ■ 7 

'WW" 


~\™ 


jp" 




▼/flmifliMMif 





on Atlantic 



CHICK CORGI 

RETURN TOPORBB 



rioiwey 

POLYDOR RECORDS 



on Polydor 



AAs you may have guesssd from the headline above we've run out at headlines for our monthly ad, it you can Ihfnk of a headline — any 
headline— for our ad, write us. If wo uso It, we'U send you every album featured the month your line appears, (Or. if you prefer, we'll send you 
Bed China.) Send entries to Hftmakers, National Lampoon, 635 Madison Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10022. 




Theworfcfe largest record department 



Come in for our low; low price! 



Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 






© 197G Atlantic Recording Corp- 



A Warner Communications Company 



to 

to 

to 

to 

jo 
to 

to 



s 



T ohn Prtnr 

C OMMON § ENS R 







77i* if j* of both worlds. 

The beauty of John P tine's lyrics is mat eked 

hy the beauty of his music, Presenting John P tine's 

new album, "Common Sense" 

Produced by Steve Cropper A "Common Sense" adds new 
dimensions to John P fine's already brill ia tit songs. 

"Common Sense," An important new album by John Peine. 






to 
to 



s 

8 



<a*<af<a*ww<iretfcifCLfca*<af 



ON ATLANTIC RECORDS AND TAPES 



Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 




UUKUKUfcH | 



We're one of two major 
companies seriously and 
exclusively into the manufacture 
of high performance tape 
recorders. The smaller one. 

When you wor k with a tape 
recorder the only thing that 
counts is how well it works with 
you, not the size of the 
company that made it. 

For sure they sell more tape 
recorders than we do. But you're 
only interested in the one you buy. 
They spend more on advertising, 

TEAC2340 



too. But you're buying a tape 
recorder, not an ad. 

They have a sophisticated 
assembly fine and so do we. 
Theirs is just longer They have a 
big quality control department 
and ours is smaller. But only one 
man can check one machine at a 
time and it's the commitment to 
quality that matters. 

They're continually working on 
new products. .,we are, too. And 
good ideas have nothing to do 
with size. 

DOKORDER 7140 



So if you compare specs, features 
and functions you'll find yourself 
comparing two excellent tape 
recorders. One of them, however, 
takes significantly fewer dollars to 
buy. Ours. And that's the difference. 

You won't always find TEAC and 
DOKORDER at the same store; 
we're too much alike. Naturally 
they have more dealers, so you 
may have to look around a little. 

But that's the only price you'll have 
to pay for paying a lower price. 



Motors 


3 


Meads 


3 


4-Cfiannel Remrd 
and Playback 


Yes 


Built-in SO S/Echo 


No 


Overdub 


Yes 


Frequency Response 
at 7 Vi ips 


-L3dB, 
40-18,000 Hz 


S/N 


55 dB 


Wow and Flutter 
atlVi ips 


0.0B% 


M a iuj lecturer's 
suggested retail price 


$739.50 



Motors 


3 


Heads 


3 


4-Channel Record 
and Playback 


Yes 


Built-in S-Q-S/Echo 


Yes 


Overdub 


Yes 


Frequency Response 
at 7Vi ips 


j-3dB, 
30-23,000 Hz 


S/N 


58 dB 


Wow and Flutter 
at 7Vo ips 


0.08% 


Manufacturer's 
suggested retail price 


$829.95 



Features and specifications as published by respective manufacturers in currently available literature. 



DOKORDER 

G430 Rosecrans Avenue, Lawndale, California 90260 



7140 





R%a 






sfb sa BB 

I 1 1 **_■!• "• _^"* j l 









Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 




Your kidney stones 
are worth big money 



PAGE 32 



AMERICA'S LIVELIEST MEDICAL NEWSPAPER APRIL 31, 1975 



3# 



THE SENSATIONALTRUTH OF 
JACKIE'S TERMINAL AILMENT! 

Jackie Onassts caught a cold at the Orly Air Terminal, near Paris, France. She stepped outside 

for a few seconds and was assaulted by unfamiliar germs, said close friend Tony Orlando. Page 12 



Doctor warns: acupunc- 
turists use dirty needles 



pAf;r v 



Faith healer cures 
spoiled food 

New toilet seats 
prevent syphilis 



PAGE 12 



PAGE 4 

>y. y.y.y.,'.'. 



Nose boogies cure sinus 
headaches, vertigo 



PAGE 18 



Side effects of new 
cancer drug cures heart 
attacks 



PA0E13 



Basket case grows new 
limbs thanks to new 
fertilizer 



PAGE 32 




POOP ON CHER'S PAP 



Super-busy superstar Cher was long overdue 
for a pap test Why couldn't she find the 
time? That's Cher with a microscope in our 
composite, retouched picture, See her pap 
sample and results of her tests, page 16. 



Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



BOY WITH RARE STOMACH DISEASE 
CAN ONLY EAT BELUGA CAVIAR 




MOLINE, ILLINOIS'— Stacy Tracy, seven, has to live the 




life of a poor little rich boy 

Little Stacy is the vic- 
tim of a rare di&caae called 
Pliyloxima TJtyronosis, a di- 
sease that adffectS only rule 
in 10 billion people. 

His stomach rejects every 
food he eats except Iranian 
caviar* the most expensive 
caviar in the world, costing 
as much as S200 a pound. 

Until doctors diagnosed 
his ea?ii* ciorrerlly, Staey re- 
jected every known form of 
food, and was wasting away, 
weighing only twelve pounds 
at the age of six. Since he 
started his all -caviar did, he 
gained fifty pounds and is 
now capable of crawling and 
uttering snimrls. 

Almost 



NAM 



Stacy must have at least 
five pon ii i fc nf c:;ivirii L a ivi-i-k 
to stay ulive and has ex- 
hausted the entire savings of 
the Tracy family. 

His father. Lot liar Tracy, 
was a foreman at the Nokona 



or he'll die. 

Upholstery Stuffing Plant in 
nearby Rock Island, bill waft 
laid off a few months ago, 

Witth a family of six In 
support besides Stacy, the 
Tracys are almost penniless, 
except for unemployment 
insurance. 

When 

"I went to the Welfare 
people for help, but you can 
imagine tlutir hires when I 
said I needed $500 a week 
for Stacy's caviar," said 
Lothar Tracy. ( *And then 
Stacy gets awfully thirsty 
sind ihr 1 1 nly tiling Inn stom- 
ach can tolerate is French 
champagne. 5 ' 

Mr. Tracy got down nn 
his knees and begged Sore 
readers for their help and 
prayers. Unless he gets at 
least $500 a week, and an- 
other SI 00 or so for chain* 
pagne, there's no hope for 
little Stacy. 



SORETRENDS • SORETRENDS • SORETRENDS • SORETRENDS 



PLASTIC SURGEON MAKES 

"BABY FACES" LOOK OLDER 

* 



BALTIMORE-Dr. Beshar Mograby 
is a plastic surgeon who turns the 
clock forward instead of backward. 



For thirty-four years, he's been 
performing cholorostomies, a little- 
known plastic surgery technique 



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that transforms a perennially youth- 
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that looks more in keeping with the 
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Man y 

"Many people are afflicted with 
the 'Baby Face Syndrome/" said 
Dr. Mograby. 

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tively young looking, even though 
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ties and even older. They look 
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ally upset and unstable/' 

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Adding extra years to their faces 
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Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



ANYONE CAM AFFORD 
AN ORGAN TRANSPLANT 

TUCSON— Everyone talks about the high cost of organ 
transplants, but Doctor Sheldon Bogash is doing 




Dr. Bogash charges as 
little as 50 cents tor many 
of his transplants and 
rarely more than $12.95 
for his most expensive 
ones. How does he do it? 

"Simple," he told the 
Sore, 

"I use animal organs 
instead of human ones. 
Animal organs are much 
cheapen" 

The boyishly hand- 
some thirty-one-year-old 
Bogash performs up to 
500 transplants a month, 
Among his "best buys" 
are; 

• Chicken livers, $2.50 
a pound 

• Veal kidneys, $2.75 a 
pound 

• Pig's ears, 50 cents 
each 

• Dog's legs, from $4.50 
to $10.75 per pair. 

Occasionally 

Some of his patients 
balk at the prospect of 
getting a pair of dog's 
legs or a calf s liver. But 
their fears are allayed 
when Dr. Bogash asks 
them, "Would you rather 
die like a man or live like 
a dog?" 

Artificial limbs arc the 
easiest to replace. Dogs, 



of course, arc the most 
common animals used for 
leg replacements. Occa- 
sionally, Dr. Bogash will 
get a nice pair of kan- 
garoo or zebra legs from 
a nearby zoo for those 
who can afford to pay a 
little more. 

For 

Dr. Bogash is prepar- 
ing a big mail order cata- 
log which will offer hun- 
dreds of different animal 
organs and limbs, ranging 
from pig's buttocks to 
pony penises. Deer and 
game bird parts will be 
available in season and 
special orders will be 
taken for more exotic or- 
gans, Instructions for at- 
taching the organs will be 
included and all organs 
will be guaranteed for the 
life of the animal. 

"You don't have to be 
a Vanderbilt or a Rocke- 
feller to afford an organ 
transplant," said Dr. Bo- 
gash. 

"Animaf organs are 
strong and healthy, too. 
Just forget your vanity 
and settle for a chicken 
breast or a lamb's testicle 
and you'll live a little 
longer," he said. 



A Pearl from the Sea 



One of the nicest treasures to come from the sea 
and land on Sydney beach is pretty Pearl Prescott. 
Pearl hopes to pursue a modeling career and travel 
abroad. 



JUDY GARLAND WARNS 
DAUGHTER LIZA: 
'YOU'LL GET A HEART 
ATTACK FROM OVEREATIIWi" 

Judy speaf{s to Sore 
Psychic Anna L,omay in 
an exclusive interview!!! 



Judy is extremely con- 
cerned about her superstar 
daughter, Liza, and her 
growing weight problem. 



Kept 



"I don't want Liza to 
make the same mistakes I 
did and drive herself to an 
early grave/* said Judy. 



"Remember how inno 
cently I got started? I was 
just a little overweight and 
took a few diet pills. The 
diet pills kept me awake 
and jumpy at night so I 
took a few sleeping pills." 

Was 

"It went on and on, never 



stopping," said Judy- ''Diet 
pills, sleeping pills, boose, 
drugs* sex, sadism, maso- 
chism, kleptomania, micro, 
philia, coprolagnia, neu- 
ritis, neuralgia and the rol- 
ler coaster pressures of 
show business/' 

"It was a crazy merry- 
go- round T couldn t get off. 
I didn't die of nn overdose 



of drugs. I was just ex- 
hausteo and my heart gave 
out." 



Things 



Miss Garland did not say 

that daughter Liza is doing 
all the bad things she did, 
but overeating is the "first 
fatal step in the vicious 
cycle." 



Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



FOR my sister , , , who com- 
mitted suicide because she 
couldn't raise the money she 
needed for an operation that 
would have cured her de- 
formity. 

Diane 
Palmyra, N.Y, 

FOR this guy I know who lives 

down the block . , , the doc- 
tor told him he just has to live 
with the pain for the rest of 
his life. There's nothing he 
can do about it. 

Ricky 
Columbus* Ohio 

FOR my mother, my father, 
my three sisters, and five 
brothers, who all caught this 
disease I brought back from 
my trip to Africa. 

T.J.F. 
Pittsburgh, Pn. 



SORE GRAPES 



SOREST LETTERS 
FROM AMERICA'S 
SOREST READERS 

Money 

MY DOCTOR demands payment in 
advance before he even examines 
you. I asked him if I could just give 
him a deposit, like I do with my 
shoemaker. He said, "Go to the podi- 
atrist down the block. Mayhi! he'll 
take a deposit" 

Veronica Currialo 
Brockton, Mass, 

Rx 

MY DOCTOR, who will be ninety- 
five years old next week, is very rich 
and successful, [ asked him for the 
secret of his success. He said, **I al- 
ways prescribe an enema." 

I said, "Will it help a broken leg or 
a Korw tli runt.?* 1 

He said, "No." 

Patricia Local ioso 
Elmont, N.Y. 

I SOLD my house, my eai\ my fur- 
nishings, and heirloom jewelry in 
order to pay my hospital bill (it was 
a two- week stay). I was so exhausted 
after all that selling and negotiating 
that I hod to check back into the 
hospitail! 

Camilla Debar banzolo 
Providence, K.I. 



"QUACK" DOCTOR CURES CANCER 
VICTIMS WITH DUCK MEAT 




The duck meat is applied like a bandage, 

HOLLYWOOD, FLORIDA — They 

nail him the "quack" doctor at the 
Hearts of Palm Hospital in Holly- 
wood, Florida, but not because 
he's crazy. 

On the contrary, Dr, Mito Schneckmart, a dermatologist, claims to 
have found a corn ftir skin CAHOOT with his Ducfc h TVOrnnge l.r«aj- 

menfe. 

Duck & L' Orange is a gourmet French dish of roast duck in an 
orange and Grand Marnier- flavored sauce. 

Dr. Schneckmon discovered that pieces of this duck dish applied to 
the cancerous skin area caused a shrinking and eventual disappear- 
ance of the tumors. 

"I'm not sure how the process works," said the slim, handsome 
doctor. "But it seems like the cancer cells are afraid of duck. The 
greasier the duck, the better." 

Patients claim they can actually see the tumors pulsating ond 
shrinking in fear, 



SORETRENDS * SORETRENDS 



First Successful 
Disease Trade 

MINNEAPOLIS — In a dramatic twenty-two- hour 

operation, Di\ Perry Midler, of the world famous 
North rup Clinic, successfully switched two dis- 
eases in the hope that their recipients might be 
better able to cope with something different. 

Little Jody Cody, Jr., five, suffered from cystic fibrosis 
all his life and had not responded to any treatment. The 
same applied to little Mary Sue Kilkenny, six, who 
suffered from leukemia. 

Thanks to Dr. Midler, they have each other's diseases. 

Both 

"Their bodies will be so shocked to find a totally new 
disease tbat I'm sure there will be a positive, rather than 
a negative, reaction," said Dr. Midler. 

The parents of the children 
expressed cautious optimism. 

"We have nothing to lose," 
said Seymour Kilkenny, father 
of the Kilkenny child. 

"I think we got the better of 
the deal," said Jody Cody, Sr,, 
father of little Jody, Jr. "At 
least we can treat leukemia, as 
long as it isn't terminal, Jody 
Jr.'s cystic fibrosis was really 
hopeless. Very close to ter- 
minal. I hope the Kilkennys 
know what they're getting in- 
Little JODY GODY t JR. to." 





TUESDAY 

I had some extra time on my 
hands because my golf date was 



cancelled at the last minute. While 
driving to the Mercedes showroom 
to look at a new car,] thought of 
how many traffic accidents are 
caused by drivers who have to go 
to the bathroom badly, especially 
women driving on bumpy roads. 

Their mind: bsCQtHQ preoccu- 
pied with their desperate need 
and they forget to keep their 
eyes on the road. To avoid fata) 
accidents, liKi-H are ;i few dos 
and don'ts to remember: 

DON'T atop at a sleazy look- 
ing bar or restaurant. There's 
no lulling whnt kind t>f gnrmH 
you'll pick up in those rest 
rooms. 

DON'T stop flt a atoas&y look- 
ing gas utaiiuii, fur [fir Ham," 
reason outlined above. 

DON'T hoid it in any longer 
than you have to, Many kidney 
disorders and other problems of 
this sort can be traced to your 
"martyrdom*' and perseverance. 

DO atop your car anywhere 
and urinate, if it's really bad. 
And if you ean*t stop the car, do 
it while you're driving. It's 
easier to clean up than blood, 
isn't it? 



How 
Clumsy 
Can You 

Get? 



AP, JUNE 9— An Australian bom 
with two left feet foil out of a ten- 
story building, got up and walked in 
front of a speeding truck, woe hit, 
and rolled down an open manhole into 
& sower, where he was swept off into 
the ocean. He was retrieved by a life- 
guard end claimed he was fine. ,H Hnp- 
f»ns all the time when you have two 
eft feet/' he said. 



Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 





by Chris Miller 



Harry Immelman, young instructor face. His first thought was that he running down his check. He blinked 
of theoretical mathematics at City must have been dreaming, but when at the darkness. Was his wife play- 
University, was awakened one night he brought his hand to his face, lie ing a prank on him? He reached for 
by something wet squirting in his found a rivulet of warm, sticky stuff her, found the other side of the bed 

vantlniLad 

Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



NATIONAL LAMPOON <tfi 



continued 

empty, then remembered that Sara, 
a new doctor now in her residency, 
had been assigned the night shift at 
the hospital this week. Completely 
puzzled, he turned on the light. Other 
than a few wet spots on the sheet, 
he could see nothing out of the ordi- 
nary. Finally, shrugging, he wiped 
his face with a Kleenex, turned off 
the light, and settled his head back 
into his pillow. 

Splat! What, again? Growling with 
annoyance, he turned on the light 
immediately this time. His jaw 
dropped. Hanging in space, about a 
foot in front of him, was a . . . penis. 
No body, not even balls, just a penis, 
glistening wetly and aimed straight 
at him, a few milky drops still ooz- 
ing from its end. Harry stared at it 
nnmoving, paralyzed by the improb- 
ability of it all. The penis, he noted, 
though at first fully erect, was now 
shrinking perceptibly. Then, without 
warning, it began to disappear. It 
disappeared from the rear foreward, 
until just the head was still visible. 
Absurdly, he was reminded of the 
Cheshire Cat. Then the head also 
vanished, leaving behind One last ac- 
cumulated drop, which fell warmly 
on his stomach, 

"Yah!" cried Harry. He leapt from 
the bed, trembling. He felt simul« 
taueously badly frightened and ut- 
terly disbelieving. If it weren't for 
the long, viscous strand of stuff hang- 
ing from his chin, he would have 
written of! the entire experience as a 
bizarre nightmare. Hell, it had to be 
a nightmare. What he had just seen 



— imagined he'd seen — could have no 
possible reality. Maybe . . . maybe 
he had come in his own face, gotten 
a hard-on while sleeping and had a 
wet dream. Sure, that had to be it. 
After all, his wife's nightly absences 
this week had made him incredibly 
horny, his appetites being what they 
were. He examined his penis under 
the lamp. It certainly didn't look 
recently active. Still, that must have 
been it. He suppressed his trembling 
and went to the bathroom to wash 
his face, feeling surer all the time 
about his wet dream theory. But not 
so sure that he didn't stop at the 
toolbox and bring a pair of metal 
shears back to bed with him. Just in 
case, he told himself, laying them on 
his night table. Climbing back under 
the covers, he put the other pillow 
over his face and tried to fall asleep. 
Abruptly, there was a sharp poke 
in his stomach, then another, then a 
whole scries of pokes, as if he were 
being attacked by a snubnosed wood- 
pecker. He hurled the pillow away 
and switched on the light Something 
was dancing about like a small ghost 
under the sheet. He tore the sheet 
off him and there was the penis, not 
his penis — he checked his groin to 
be sure — but the same disembodied 
one as before, only rock-hard now 
and plunging repeatedly into his mid- 
section. He stared in terror, unable 
to move, pinned to the bed by this 
thrusting intruder. Suddenly, the 
penis made a particularly deep thrust, 
knocking the wind out of him, and 
stopped. Hot come blasted his stom- 




"Heck, no! We're not crazy! Why? Do we look crazy?" 



ach and ran down his sides onto the 
sheet. 

A scream tore from Harry's throat 
and he grabbed the penis with both 
hands. Immediately, it began to 
thrash and struggle. Because it was 
quite slippery, he had to squeeze very 
tightly to hold on, but hold on he 
did and finally, like a beached fish 
whose strength has ebbed at last, the 
penis heaved and lay still. Maintain- 
ing his grip with his right hand, 
Harry reached for the shears with his 
left. As he just touched them, the 
penis gave a tremendous jerk, almost 
tearing free of his grasp. Hastily, he 
brought his left hand back to join his 
right, knocking the shears to the floor 
as he did so, and held on for all he 
was worth. The penis subsided and 
lay passively in his hands. 

Swallowing, he began to grope 
about blindly on the floor for the 
shears, keeping a tight, careful hold 
on the penis with his other hand. At 
last he felt them and gradually 
worked his fingers into the handle 
holes. Flesh crawling, he brought 
the shears slowly up, fit the penis 
into the V of the blades and squeezed 
them shut with all his might. 

The penis, sliced through, dropped 
into his lap. The stump hung sus- 
pended before him for a frozen in- 
stant, a red disk welling blood, then 
vanished. 

Whimpering, Harry leapt out of 
bed, rolled the sheets into a ball with 
the penis somewhere in the middle 
and hurled the entire bundle down 
the incinerator chute. He then 
dropped two Seconals, took a shower, 
remade the bed and lay beneath the 
covers with his eyes squeezed shut 
until he lost consciousness. 

Harry never mentioned the grisly 
events of his long night to anyone, 
even Sara, lest he be thought crazy. 
In fact, when morning came, he 
wasn't even sure himself that any of 
it had really happened, except for 
the indisputable fact that a pair of 
sheets was missing. And even that 
could be explained by the theory that 
he had had a particularly powerful 
nightmare and, waking suddenly, im- 
agined the sheets covered with blood 
and thrown them out. Hell, if he 
couldn't believe that he had sliced 
oft a disembodied penis in the middle 
of the night because it had come in 
his face, how could he expect anyone 
else to? So he said nothing. 

Seven years passed. Harry became 
a full professor, highly regarded by 
his colleagues and fulfilled by his 
work. Sara, by this time quite highly 
thought of in her own field, gyne- 
cology, had been hired Lo work for a 
research and development firm headed 
by a wealthy, quirky genius named 

continued on page 52 



4§ NATIONAL LAMPOON 



Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



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Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



Sometimes silent- 
ahvays deadly. 

What is TF? 

TF is the nation's Number One Killer. 







Here aire six of the 140 warning signs of TF: 

• Localized cloud formations. ■ Defoliated trees and shrubs. 

• Peeling wallpaper. • Scorched mattresses. 

• Lack of friends and acquaintances. • Unaccountable pet deaths. 

TF- 
it's not to be sniffed at. 

For further information contact: The TF Foundation Los Alamos. New Mexico 

TF FOUNDATION CAMPAIGN 

MAGAZINE AD NO. UW-4-74— 7"x10" (110 SCREEN) 

Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



i 



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But he can't. 



He'll never be tight end, either, or pass, or play the Rose Bowl, or 
make the first draft. Why? Because he'll have no one to play with. 
Ever. His only buddy is a killer called TF. 

TF can be beat. With the right game plan, we can blast a hole 
through its front line and red-dog it to death. But we need time, 
and we need money. 



Jy. Help a kid make the snap. 







For further information contact: The TF Foundation Los Alamos, New Mexico 
Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



TF FOUNDATION CAMPAIGN 

imc Jinun i ujir a ta 7i'uin"Mincpnt;c.Mi 




Little 

Julian 

hasTF. 



Little Julian spends all his days connected to a 
twenty-three-ciibic-foot EM/CON catalyfie 
converter/compressor, otherwise known as a TF 
machine. Luckily, his family is rich enough to 
afford one. They cost $18,500 apiece... 

. . . Little Jesus is not so lucky. His family can 
scarcely afford to pay for the last three apartments 
he has destroyed, let alone a TF machine, So 
little Jesus has to live on the fire escape. 

We don't think little Jesus should have to live on 
the fire escape. We think he should have a TF 
machine. But we can only give him one if you 
help. Give to the TF Foundation and give 
generously. 

TF- with your help 
we can catch it 
and sew 
a button on it. 



For further information contact: 

The TF Foundation 

Los Alamos, New Mexico 






...so does 

little 

Jesus. 




TF FOUNDATION CAMPAIGN 

MAGAZINE AD NO, OW-4-74— 7"xl0" (110 SCR<66|ttyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



Life can be a gas! 







Roberto Colon— demolition expert 



Private Harry Partz— Brown Beret. 



These people have one thing in common. They all have TF. 

But they haven't let it cloud their futures. All enjoy rich, fruitful lives; 
and some have even become resounding successes. 

People with TF are people who fight back. They don't let it get them 
down. Nor should you, 

TF, if allowed to go untreated, results in the gassificafion 

of the entire body. If you think you or a loved one may have TF, 

consult your family physician immediately. 



c CO 0/ 



TF-ifs not to be sniffed at. 

Far further information contact: The TF Foundation Los Alamos, New Mexico 

TF FOUNDATION CAMPAIGN 

Copyright © 2007 National LampoHntiKZINE AD NO. UW-4-74— 7"xt0" (110 SCREEN) 



continued from page 46 

Max Plumb, one of whose many 
world-saving projects was an inves- 
tigation into improved methods of 
birth control. Both Harry and Sara 
prospered. To augment their city 
apartment, they bought a house in 
the Berkshires. Life was full and 
good. 

One night in June of f 74, with the 
semester over and his vacation be- 
gun, Harry took Sara out to dinner 
at a fancy French restaurant and 
both consumed immoderate quanti- 
ties of wine. Before the dinner had 
ended, they were staring lustfully at 
each other. In the cab on the way 
home, they necked like teenagers. By 
the time they got to their apartment, 
they were so ready for each other 
that they left a trail of clothes on 
the way to the bedroom. They made 
love long and hard, Harry entering 
Sara in the canine fashion, a favorite 
position of theirs. 

Afterward, curled under Harry's 
arm smoking a cigarette, Sara said, 
"Well, unbeknownst to you, my dear, 
we've just given Plastic Tess her first 
trial run. What did you think?" 

"Plastic who?" Harry was only 
half listening. Already he was think- 
ing how nice it would be to start 
fondling again. 

"Plastic Tess, You know, the new 
IUD I developed for Max. I've told 
you about it." 

"Oh, Plastic Tess, Of course. Uh, 
you say we've just tested it?" He 
felt a little nervous at the notion of 
some imperfected device suddenly 



making him a father, "Are you sure 

it works?" 

"Completely sure. That's why I 

was willing to be my own guinea 

Pi*" 

Harry smiled wickedly at his wife, 
whose maiden name had been Rossi. 
"Maybe a guinea, darling, but never 
a pig." Pulling her back up to her 
hands and knees, he scrambled 
around behind her and initiated a 
second round. 

"Well, feels as good as ever," 
Harry told her when they were fin- 
ished, "so your new gizmo is okay 
by me. What is a Plastic Tess, any- 
way? Like a copper T?" Much as he 
respected his wife's competence, he 
still wanted assurances of foolproof- 
ness. 

"No, it's an entirely new concept. 
Most TUDs try to make sperm in- 
effective. The Plastic Tess gets rid 
of it altogether," 

"Gets rid of it?" Harry was watch- 
ing the rise and fall of her breasts, 
feeling the first rushes of renewed 
desire. He was hot tonight. "How is 
that passible?" 

"Well, we don't fully understand 
it yet, But we know it works." She 
paused. "Strangely enough, I got the 
original idea from something you 
once explained to me," 

"Really?" Harry stroked one of her 
nippies, watched it harden. 

"Sure. Remember one night you 
told rnc about the Mobius strip, how 
it converts a one dimensional con- 
tinuum into a two dimensional one? 




**Ok t oh — the Vaccines 



And how a Klein bottle makes two 
dimensions into three? And how, the- 
oretically, there would be a means of 
applying the same principle to a 
three dimensional solid, transforming 
it into a four dimensional form called 
a tess . . . Harry, are yon listening?" 
Harry was not. Instead, he was 
nuzzling at her breasts. All thoughts 
of dimensional continuums quickly 
flew from Sara's head and, groaning, 
she slid limply down in bed and 
opened her legs. When Harry had ex- 
cited her to a fever pitch, he mounted 
her and slid himself ail the way in. 
With a small yip, Sara brought her 
legs up and closed her eyes. Smil- 
ing happily, Harry pushed up on his 
hands and, using the springs of the 
mattress, began to bounce himself 
up and down, faster and faster, until 
he was plunging in and out of her 
like a piston. When she unleashed 
her scream of orgasm, he thrust him- 
self as deeply into her as he could 
go and came like a skyrocket. 

Abruptly, something seized his 
penis and held it in a grip of steel. 

Harry gasped. "Hey, Sara, stop 
it! Let go!" He pulled as hard as he 
could, but the grip only tightened. 

"What arc you talking about?" 
Sara's eyes were wide with alarm. 
'Tm not doing anything." 

Harry stopped pulling and stared 
at her. "I'm stuck! It's got to be the 
IUD!" 

"The IUD? But that's impossible! 
Harry, it couldn't possibly . . . look, 
1*11 relax myself completely. Try 
again to pull out" 

Harry gathered his strength and 
gave his hips a tremendous yank. 
For a second , he thought he felt liim- 
self begin to pull free* But only for 
a second. Then he felt himself 
grabbed more tightly than ever, 
"Sara," he said hoarsely, quite fright- 
ened now, "what is a Plastic Tess? 
How does it work?" 

"Well, I was trying to tell you. 
Max got one of his topologists to 
apply the principle of the Mobius 
strip and Klein bottle to a three di- 
mensional foriti, making it four di- 
mensional, then miniaturized it to fit 
inside a vagina. . . ." 

"A tesseract!" hissed Harry. "A 
Plastic Tess is a miniaturized tesser- 
act!" 

"Right, And when the semen passes 
through the Plastic Tess, it moves 
from a three to a four dimensional 
continuum and vanishes. As I said, 
we don't fully understand where it 
goes yet, but since the fourth dimen- 
sion is , , /* 

"Time!" cried Harry Immelman. 
"Oh, no! Oh my God, no!*' 

"Darling, what is it?" 

Harry screamed. □ 



fi2 NATIONAL LAMPOON 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



ACNEPUNGTURE 



by Doug Kenney and Wayne McLoughlin 



-we a knots lor tar&ign or 
"way out" idooa. 



-poor eating habits, 

" snorking/ 1 chug abme. 



—impure or jmarl re- 

maris: dhra&pet! ol ftktera 
and nncpsinrf;. 



-Inability to distinguish 
musir from noi&o. 



-failure to conlfol wliis 
paring, vocal range, 




Acnepuncture is the science of correcling 
physical and mental abberatians by punc- 
turing or "popping 11 facial blemishes. The 
therapy, applied to common blemish con- 
figurations at specific locations, can be 
administered by needles, sterilized safety 
pins, or girl friends' fingernails, A few of the 
345 basic puncture points, each associated 
with a character or grooming deficiency, 
are indicated above. Quite often, several 
pustules must be popped simultaneously to 
effectively redirect the flow of y'vk—a sub- 
stance possibly related to our Western pus 
—around the face to achieve ihe proper 
balance of nag (chores) and youn [com- 
pleted homework]. Acupuncture is in no 
woy related to Ik-Ky, that is, the divining of 
the future through "reading" dried y'vk 
patterns on bathroom mirrors, 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



NATIONAL LAMFOON 63 



HEY THERE/ YOUNG WDMAN / ARE You TROUBLED BY 
A NAG6IN6 ITCH ? FOUL DISCHARGE ? FEAR OF PREGNANCY? 
BY ALL MEANS- £££ A PHYSICIAN/ ^^a^^lBlP 
BUT HEED MY MEANING, INNOCENT WOMAN -.TURN AND RUN. 1 
EE FOR youR LIFE/ IF HE SAYS MWNEEOA... 










r £/M// Si/Of/ 



FMMWf 



oat* tint 







Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 




myawk.. /s coero/t 

Y0UMYail\ 




r fMU O0 £Y£fiYWA/t 4 

TSCT/M &>£C/AL'r///SW££/C i 
OMY/r//£dO*AD/Atf: A 
COtfB/AfAT/W/MP. 
AHPCMtTffYBHT. 



\im 



$m 



» 



w 



k 



,/' 






T rm... /s mmfA/MS£#vsf\ TuA^/^YfSMss/(tv/a^rso/z£ t ^ Yeos/t/ib/MemYtt 

STAY /At T//££XAtf/A/AT/(W ROOM J\ \ Mti! Stf£UMA£AAt£XC£l- 1 fi£4UYAt£AV0VS/f/ 

ffl£f J l£/vr A00/r/GV TO 01)% I ^ tVAS/VY SO/A/e T0S£EA 
MED/CAL C£#r£A/l Rta^/^^fV DOCTO/i.' . 



A'llM^l 




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SUBpOt|0A5,He 

(\S^> PtWTtt 
S/GY/- LftRP. 
PROTECT THt" 
SIMPLE BUSI- 
NESS (W|U 
FR0W\ AU THIS, 

peRsecuTfow/ 




W 60\M6 TO 
St\OU) ^00 
({OOR. Fift^T 
PATieWT. „ . 

1 wamt 4ou 
*>uoolp ee 
wtce a^o 

UAVCtA rvic{ 




THIS iAPM'S 



WEU, ^ 

opeo -me 

MOUR / 
L0V65 \ 





W NATIONAL LAMPOON 



Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



I £IK£ T4lS PLACE, 
POPPA. IT RtMiMD^ 



SUMMER \ 






/'CICA/O UP 

f -rue pee>Ris, 

WIS 5 
\SrtUFFAU><oG/ 



4ASSUH, 

Rft66 




'J 






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NATIONAL LAMPOON &7 




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EMERGENCY ROOM 

PLEASE PRINT 




J (MOB **v. 5/67 



PAYMORREN, CONNECTICUT 



LT ADMISSIONS FORM 

PATIENT MUST COMPLETE 
APPLICATION IN PERSON 



JL 

AiW)ii!':s:i 



eRMjAfiPT M&H/AKP 






Baa city cy statb kip 



_E_ &* 



A2. 






JJOME TELEPHONE 



ihii-3i 



SOCIAL SECURITY 



CWfrfiSi 






^ati. 



/, >?l 



/£"?& U*+r<i+ /far-4flwrJ Ct»*y» Ofe/o? fo^) 77:^?? 



... 
oaiTiow 



roaiTiOH years with firm 

PROBABLE OPPORTUNITY FOR ADVANCEMENT (25 WORDS OR LESS). 



~fi^ 



_■ 



BUSINESS PHONE 



Cfeff SfQcMrrA jQL txrcs n c^f y c ^r 



/ / A MONTHLY HAL 



PATIENTS ASSETS 

CHECKING ACCOUNT 1**1 anke ff f eKo * S *^ 

SAVINGS ACCOUNT BALANCE & J H&J Y( f 

CASH ON PERSON t <%& } 7 



TRUST FUNDS OH UNPRQBATEU LEGACIES— _ 

STOCKS Ua CLOSING PRICE. PREVIOUS TRADING DAY! 

COMMON PREFERRED Q_ W ■!>/>!? ■ Qp 

BONDS- Q CORPORATE □ CONVERTIBLE Q MUNICIPAL 



GOV. SAVlNGS_ 



$ S"QS * OQ 



OTHER INVESTMENTS 

<[F YOU OWN A BUSINESS OR ARE A FARM OK RANCH OWN I R, 
OPERATOR. OR TENANT, PLEASE COMPLETE AND ATTACH THE 
BUSINESS OR FARM SUPPLEMENTARY FORM.) 

ASSESSED VALUE OF HOME t*J rt x ^„ m 

IF OWNED OR MORTGAGE EQUITY $ J*< OII _-QQ , _Z 



OTHER REAL ESTATE, ASSESSED 
VALUE OR MORTGAGE EQUITY 



LIFE INSURANCE, CASH VALUE 



/ ObO .Ci6 



AUTO(S): MAKE, 



CONDfTION [J POOR LJ HAIR j& C 



£i__YEAR. 



&?'/ 



MAKE^ 



,MODEL. 




CONDITION n POOR □ FAIR □ GOOD 
fl MAJOR APPLIANCES AND OWN & SPOUSE'S JEWELRY AfDMllAfL. 



<Wo 



TOTAL ASSETS $ /^ V-H . f« T fr^rWfeg/t^ fc Wi£t*f 

^ ^ Pro* Wj **M 



RKAI. ESTATE MOttTGAGE 
1 HI 3 n HTQ AD E. MflUt J H lA !1L J . . WAT OK 

mi met ecu MuniJHCrv Ano A r uetween the *vftfyn< r 

&PCMCC HCMOrflAI HOlifl i Al mi iV.vttoRRCU, CONNECTICUT, AM) 
"***» A ti^-VtMj'ja* fiF Ni-i Jtor?i nftirm Jo 

STUFFY '"*fl"'Jil r Tnr i 

I HI. MrHiT&Ar.cn. "V* ' 

want x :\n aci mlf,m>fmai FrgimifAL ■ i u* F/onn-"Ri.r 
WITHFS5ETH. U«AT 1(1 S,FCtJH[ Mil I'AYUfrn - iTF" AN (FJUniTlrj. 
'-'i ■• ■ - im -.ut/ .ii rmiiACic LAWFjII 

MONEY Or THC UNITCO STATE L VkBEPAlO QW < M» 1 ^1 Jay 

IHEKLO.N AT IMF. Ft All 01 
'■■- TO P0HI1 AFJO Q#U- 
1111 '.trtrtTC-AGEPr h:heov 

HA I f'JtXl Olf J-iHL KI IFF 

k F.y^yvrj a s kii - ! u$u_L. 



. * rs- ri i 



AtlO HOTtO UF»OH FHf l/iTJIJ MAT" Ul' 
A& SttllUtt HO, 4-?f — ' fltr 



■.viir(i^ SiertSS 



PATIENT'S LIABILITIES 

UNPAID MORTGAGE(S) -tf £ / ■ V^ ^ ' 

AUTO LOAN(S) 



BJLLS OUTSTANDING. 
PERSONAL UEBTS_^ 



* /y* ,^fc> 






/>o 



^ ^ycg ro 



LIENS AND GARNISHMENTS_ 



TOTAL LIABILITIES ¥ eLL- 



J^C> 



J+ 



FISCAL PROGNOSIS 

(SUBTRACT TOTAL LIABILITIES 
FROM TOTAL ASSETS) 



ASSETS 
LIABILITIES 



>/a,tfy? ; -/s* 



F.P. TOTAL as tYta 7 Jr£~-*J~ 



MEDICARE/MEDICA1D 

MEDICARE A MEDICAID PATIENTS CHOOSE NO MORE THAN ONE £11: 
1 ABORTION Q EXPLORATORY OR EXPLORATORY- 

J STERILI?ATION TYPE OPERATION 

1 PSYCHOSURGERY Q AMPUTATION 

J SHOCK THERAPY fl RADfCAL MASTECTOMY 

O 40 OR MURE STITCHES 



fB\ 



INSURANCE 

BLUE CROSS CERTIFICATE OR GROUP Noili 
GROUP NAM EJNtflV"*"^ 



suffix r-n 



COMMERCIAL 
INSURANCE 



, EFFECTIVE DATE^lil^ 

C0MPANYifs!2l£^£kJi_P0LlCY NO /*? *'1~H 1*f lt*/jg 



BLOOD BANK RAI amhf A ^4^ ft-f^f^? 



HOLDERS OF LINKLETTER-ADVERTlSED HEALTH INSURANCE POl • 
JCIES MUST PRESENT A WITNESS TO LEGAL COMPETENCE. 



LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT 



GcifiG or eou*o *i 

MAKr, F'UIHIIR AMO 
if,[.\'.n«|. AHP HT- 
ME A7 ANV TIMf >.i 

flns-.i: I IJIUI1.< 



'.■I'JU/.r.'H -.T'/Uii'V. |>;, mrrfEEiV 

ctA»r this to ae wr last will and 

- HI Vim Alt WILLS A«U CODICILS BT 
owr MADE, 
_ MODtST rgr<ERAL AWD tC5taMcntaf?v 
EXF'ENStS BE f AID nT TMt EXEGUTQH Mt.nl ITi/.F Ttn FtAMCD A5 

soon as coFiVFiJirimY way bf ArrFW uv qfcfase 

MCONIi- ail i if REST, RESIDUE AMD REMAINDER OF MY 
CSTATE. OOril HEM AND rilHSOUAL. OF .vnAiyoi v|.*f KlflO AflO 



HO PIVK 

ii I' 



'HHI,',I (HE TlML OF- F,tY OfATH, 
J.'HO I HE AVEItVX. 3f*EFJCi !M '.'■'. 
-.','. : n: 
nilf-ri! i hi-.rluv r.fs.M'rj/.ii at - 
MEMDDlAL nrwr-ITAI TO S€ V 
I DIRECT THAI TMEY MAY DE 
WIIHOUI THE GIVIMH OF A Bl 
■ ::TION, 
IV WITHER WilEflEOr, I HAVI 



.i , AND HEOUEATH 
HOSPITAL Of TH£ CITY OF 
— l«tlK5 AUiOLUI tLY 
HE AVFI>Y X ^PEWCE 

""*Y AS StrCH 
, IN AMY 






f ¥\»A*4f^ ^y^ 



^4*A^ 




MECHANIC'S LIEN 



fnr inriir|n ff iIiq paymejji of the iVioTioy Derelnnftor mcimonod. 
<L«j KHiit utnu the Avciy X. 8p«ftM ML-iiioiJiil Hu.^Luil my iwily, 
in whole or In any paJTI lu fp<? -|mi»lt, lo c ^HY^ nn<l lot hold, 
forever, ujwi condllton thnt If t ThWktd I rlfy* s 1 v 



hhi if I 

d mm a 

lUHi :-r,i 



lawful ntdiioy of v^io' UnitcJPfil<ncfl h qwlng for mcullrm] MlYtMl 
mid iciitu-u una co-occurrinir expenses, then tlicso urescnta sliall 

And t i-io ^ ft ^ f •) l%- City**** T covenant and &|irco 

tniit in eaif dcfnull. sHft|| h*> miulc Iti ih<> imyinfui of lh* snld 
sura nbovc mem lone d. or nny j>nrt thereof, (hen It aharl titid 
may oc mwrm idr the sani oany or Hie Etctnid part with the md 
and a&sUtkncfi of any person or pontona, to enber my dwcllliiK. 
Iiuurc. yi other promises or such nihcr jfjsut or ihiicl's where 
laid body raajf ba placed md to earry siW^y thfl j;ald bod;- and 
10 i«ll »hd dl»|io» yf the Aninc u* nur ijiul ihcicot fui r,lw EjcasL 
[irlre, tuey rm abtnln' tno iirwewJ* ^hereof lo he applied toward 
imymcnl of tht .iftltl ,ium Alaove irien(lohfd, rendcj-m({ ihn over- 

IHU4 (III Bhyj nmo me, Un^grr J PrT Etift' f -I . 

or to my axecutor* adrnlnlstmtorii, or a^sljn^ . 

■ rujMti ( w he reef, t'' r.;ifil KrVg^^ 



1 ^A'/ 
„OhC Thousand Kln« Hundred and^ Zfz*. 



-day of 



SlKllfttUw of Wntary 



^J'/loJL^ 



THIS SPACE FOR HOSPITAL USE ONLY 



DISCRETIONARY 

FISCAL 

ANALYSIS 



SUBTRACT $1000 

PER EACH ITEM CHECKED 

S STAINLESS STEEL WEODING 

BAND 
H KOREAN TENNIS SHOES 
T JADE EAST/ AM BUSH 
r WALLET PHOTOS 
E PLASTIC WATCH STRAP 
T CAPRI PANTS 
f CHARM RRACELET 
□ TATTOOING 



H ITEM CHECKED 
FESSSOMAL MANICURE 
4ACHER SCHLEMMER 
PLAfE 
.RE SOCKS 
SQUASH GALLUSES 
|J EVEN TAN 
£j TIDY UNDERGARMENTS 

F,P, -h D^F-A. TOTAL = 



• •, rmtF'ts 
[I MAMMA 

= CA9NM1 



[TS j 



ADMISSION 

PATIENT £} ADMITTED 

t] NOT ADMITTED 
U\t IHfcATMb.NI OF 
(DESCRIBE SYMr 



CO* )/Vf£ 



rtPTOI 



#AXSMH4/7*.OG.15 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



rfl 



AVERY X. SPENCE MEMORIAL HOSPITAL 

1450 OaKveneer Rd. t Paymorren, Connecticut 
(203) 51 7-1 000 

Rare Condition/Teaching Experiment Surgical Discharge 



Efl-S5-A*4 Ri¥. 6/73 



5at| A8E J^n© 22 , 1975 



The undersigned patient, by fact of his discharge, thereby agrees to 
the fight of the Avery X. Spence Memorial Hospital to retain wilh 
all rights any record, visual, aural, or written, of his or her medical 
or surgical treatment fot/use professionally. - j /// 

^signed 



STATEMENT OF CHARGES 



Medical 
Performance 



Operation to correct and set multiple compound upper torso 
bone fractures and severe skull concussion in Steering Column 
Series > Part XIV \ Impacted Forehead and the Horn~ftinq Rib Cage 
Syn drome ■ of Automotive Surgery Film Institute, 



v 



CAST SALARIES 

Dr. Robert Rothman (lead, as surgeon) 

Dr, B, Treuhaft (anesthesiologist) 

Dr, Fredric Poneraan (assistant anesthesiologist) 

Joseph Phillips, Charles Horowitz (interns) 

Diana Wilkens, Bonita Hall* Robin West (nurses) 

David King^Bill Bartlett (orderlies) 

CREW SALARIES 

John Marks, Director 

David Obst, Producer 

David Szabo, Photography Director 

Alan Spaulding, Glen Ehaz, Cameramen 

Michael Motto, lighting Engineer 

Michael Klarr, Electrician l^^ii N^^e^ 

Taylor Branch, Set Designer 

Kim Kirkpatrick, Set Carpenter 

Tom Scott, Sound Engineer 

Lani Bergstein, Nancy Adler, Styling and Make-up 

Kadi Kiiss, Costume Mistress 

Susan Hoffman, Props 

Ann Kinberg, Editor 

Two maintenance men 

COSTUMES AND PROPS 

10 surgical gowns, 10 surgical masks, 8 pair surgical gloves, 

1 set sheets and pillow cases, 5 surgical caps, 3 hairnets, 

2 scalpels, 15 hemoplasts, 3 pair forceps, 5 yds. sutures, 

1+ surgical needles, 2 doz, sponges, l6 clamps, 1 respirator, 

anesthetic, oxygen rental, and vital sign monitors. 

MISC. EXPENSES 

Film costs 

Set rental: 21 days % $300 per diem 

Rehearsal hall 

Carfare 

Catering 

Total 



$3600 


00 


lUoo 


00 


800 


00 


600 


00 


360 


00 


130 


00 


Uooo 


00 


3T00 


00 


2800 


00 


500 


00 


750 


00 


250 


00 


780 


00 


250 


00 


780 


00 


825 


00 


li50 


00 


300 


00 


1200 


00 


lUU 


00 



1066 

6300 

250 

71 

195 

31,167 



83 

76 

00 
00 

60 

83 
02 



Name- 



Howard R. Fxkhardt 



-Phone- 



(203) KL5-2877 



PERSON 

RESPONSIBLE 

FOR 

CHARGES 



Street— 



City^- 



2 6 371 Tu do rock Rd , 
Swaybridge, 



-State 



Conn. 



2ip- 



068 59 




signed 



#AXSMM 2/74 - rf - 11 



Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 





"No Mystery" is a musical revelation. AH feelings, 
exposed, All energy, audible. ft No Mystery" is an 

album that leaves little to the imagination. Chick 
Corea and Return To Forever have illuminated new 
forms of rock, jazz, progressive, more progressive, 
and just-plain-fun music. Just when you think you 
know where they're going, they surprise you again! 
It will touch anyone who cares to 
listen. And can rocket you onto 
your toes. Like the fast-rising 
single, "Jungle Waterfall" is 
already doing. 

Experience live revelations of 
R.T.F. in their National Spring Tour 
Watch the papers. And stay 
tuned to the ground. 

" NO MYSTERY" 

RETURN TO FOREVER 

featuring GHICK COREA 




polvdor 



Polydor Records 
A Polygram Company • Distributed by Phonodisc 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 




peter T ™ nahend s "™*" Ann-Margret Oliver Reed Roger Daltrey Elton John T ™ v*fa s Th « ** <? u * en 

As Tommy As The Pinbdi Wizard 

Eric Clapton John Entwistle Keith Moon Paul Nicholas 

Jack Nicholson Robert Powell Pete Townshend 

Tina Turner And The Who 

Associate i j rodLicer Harry Benn Musical Dirt^oi Pete Townshend Screenpfiiv iiy Ken Russet) 
Executive Producers Beryl Vertue And Christopher Stamp Produced By Robert Stigwood And Ken Russell 
Directed By Ken Russell 



Original Soundtrack Album on Polydor Records 



and Tapes] PG 



PARINTAI GUIDANCE SUGCESTIO "32): 



i wn |H total *ii-j*«ri-(Hfl#-iM!»nii Ijnvlcd 



now playing at a theatre near you! 



Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



DOCOTS PRIVILEGE KIT 



byP.J.O'Rourke 



When you're a doctor, you can do 
anything you want to, absolutely any- 
thing at all. Wanna trot through cus- 
toms at Heathcote Airport with a kilo 
of rock crystal cocaine in a lady's 
handbag? Wanna tool down 1-80 at 
a hundred mph in an International 
Signal Orange Ml dorado Brougham 
with a U-Haul full of si en guns for the 
Chicano guerrillas in the hills of Ma- 
rin? Or fist- fuck an autistic pre teen? 
I'Yankly, "no sweat" for even the low- 
liest intern. Or, as the Yale Medical 
School Alma Mater puts it: 

Sumus Medius 

We will take all your clothes off 
And get you undressed, 



And diddle around 

With the parts we like best. 

Well poke* you and probe you 

And peek everywhere, 

And laugtl at your body 

While you're standing right 

there. 
We can tel 1 you whatever 
Pops into our mind — 
We might call your backache 
A cancerous spine, 
We might tell you your freckles 
Are dread melanoma, 
Or say you were out 
For a fifty-year coma. 
We'll anesthetize you 
At seven a.m. 
And play gin on your face 



Till a quarter past ten. 

We're doctors 

And we can remove your whole 

brain, 
Poke your eyes out with fly rods 
And never explain; 
Rip out your kidneys 
And feed them to cats, 
Or cut oft 1 your buttocks 
And wear them like hats. 

© VMr> Y;ile Uniwrsily 

. . . in Latin, of course^ I mean, why 
rub it in? 

Yes, doctors are above the law; so 
it's no wonder that medical schools 
are deluged by so many applicants 
that few among us could even aspire 

continued on page R4 



ox 
ix tiif: n&iit of on* 

THK K 



"0 



TIMS |>.\V OF - ~ 

UMII> OXKTIN H S.\ \n. X 1 X K MlMlK ICO A XO — 
AXKAS STATU HOARD Of' .HKDK'AL KXAMIXKHH 
l>OKs l > I(KKK.\T*fO 

THIS 
<E jTl — ^g. .jg:— -a g- - j g - r s rr -a r jl t i %i%? 



X 



C-7 



A 




■^ 



AND. HAVING PRACTICED, TO PERFORM ALL ACTS OF THE 

MEDICAL PROFESSION ANO TO PROCESS ALL RIGHTS UF I. AW 

AND CUSTOM THERETO OCCURRING; TO HOLD ANO 

DISSEMINATE ALL HERBS PHYSICS. AND M INERAL COMPOUNDS; 

TO TRAVEL ABROAD IN THE PUBLIC RIGHT OF WAV WITHOUT 

RESTRAINT OF AU I HORITV, CIVIL OR MILITARY; TO ENJOY 

UNHINDERED RIGHT OF TREATMENT AND SURVEY OF THE 

PERSONS QF A|.l_ tTl II ZENS DISEASED OR SUSPECTED SO. 

ALSO 

JJirttt^m iiiAj prrtirilK- In-.i lit:cnt ri>titrjir> L« Hie Irn.inhvf itiij t-istiiliUsliK t 

vf rtliniuii -iimI t-iif^n-f li> Lnv Uu- i-.vrni-n,- lluiiiif, .nut m.i> Inih ,utd . forliiJ llvr 

pilblMiliii; AblU4il uf m> niriis tit r«Nt;l flail or l^'silll SlU'h ns infeM il.ik* Ihv 

i l\U iiuiUilriiii- or tail** Dffnlv, b nm prrvrnt n»r ii\>emUli nf t-nui acinic n.mnM 

l)c<i Lors may ]irn-<-ri[ tij dtvrv<> in Lsltcr lliv hftiHirfc cil irmv h\ m, p:iLli-nt in 

tnHlK.t or nihet jtervloc 
Any l^itlonl, in Urn* «f »hc n T \ivmt, may Up ^uurterrii in .\t 

hfe'roiixnit in thr m ft prr-n rlbcd I.* U*.~ 

, Anj'tintlftUt may he htld .im«i.-i;iblr tar h|* i»h^1r:il i ynt)Ulor» and Hint ul 

t-tilldrtrii 4i nd ward» hoHMirvci oUr* ** utttyfiarf* <*ud -mall be rtm^rHtd tv bw , 

witness as lo isis awn 0imx*** tmr IumHIi »tnl ***ll-rn?Jrtff, mul may b* drpi-rtcrt 

>f .in'. 0t*fran tij >i>i»rnr]rtjci- u* Oi* pruprrly iif hf* primal*, without f*nip#n*iif Inn. 

In spv rnrff|[-:il ojrCnOdrt, th* |ijU>-ni 1i. ,,in.*n! tn* fcu- nvrfairmil In private 

by whustK'vi L r Hif iWliir iiUhf> Atlfi *<■ hmj; .i drl.iy ,l> (hr dtMior df^lrc?*. 

Ill Irfmlmrnt <*( i i»mUim»ii ,|j|7nrnl«, ( lir hi!" !l ■■.... dallifo. 

F»3nes*tvc iiifditatluii jiiui br hhi-^mti jind rxrp»*lif f \iilcir,»fur't iipenitfoiii m:iv 

br niiilf. and rrm-l una iihiiXiuiJ hiinn n( tlipripv sir** uf i,<n rrqulrciL 

Til* *■ mi irti'i-.i linn in Vhlv llMPHU of mrtaln r\^his vli^U not h* 60UiT1t«4 lo deny 

<ir diwn:ir:ip* ntliir rii;liK li.uhtiniiiillv ri'<jdned tiy iliii-lur--. 

Th*> poui-rs mil .M.-iNiU'd M* pntkul!* b> thli ileitm krr r^»cA6 iwteMi 

Ot hi ilr»Hi.st\. 



iil.il. *, IthimL 



1 



JC 



zm 



^ie: 



^3^: 



KANSAS STATE 4tCRETAfl¥ ( 
HEALTH AND KVfilFNE 



SURGEON CENCflAL Of T|lC 

state: of kahsas 



J££T 



PtmoitlCNT, 3TATC 
BOARD OF MEDICAL 



Or KANSAS 
EXAMINERS 



DOCTOR'S LICENSE— READY TO BE FILLED OUT. All you have to do lo make it legal is get a highball glass 
of whiskey and sit down at a table. Then you say, "Here's to the health of Dr. Bug!," take a big drink, set the glass 
down hard, tap the tabic top with both hands, tap the bottom of thr table with both hands, stand up, sit down, say, 
"Here's to the health of Dr. Bug-Bug!,* 1 take two hig drinks, set the glass down twice, tap the top of the tabic two times, 
then twice on the bottom, stand up, si I down, stand up, sit down, say^ "Here's to the health of Dr, Bug-Bug-Bug!," take 
three big drinks and finish the tflass, set it down three times, tap the top and bottom of the table three times, stand up, 
sit down, stand up, ait down, stand up, sit down, and you're a doctor. But if you miss anything, you have to start all 
over again with a fid I glass. And remember, from now on, any time another doctor says, "Arn you a doctor?," you have 
to answer, "You bet your sweet ass I ami" as loud as you can, or you owe him a beer. 



Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



NATIONAL LAMPOON G;S 



Doc lor' a Privilege Kit 



Form 3-10 



Worn A op roved 

Ducim Bureau No. 7e-R02B4 



4, Ndljrr uf treatment or I, herd (if (item Iff charges) 



United y tales Department tif Health. Education and IV el fan- 
Social Security Admin 1st ration 



1 . Pailent's Social Security Number 

221-1*2-1509 



Medicare Kcimbursemciit 
JMcasc type or print 



2. Patient's Name 

Mrs. Horace Culper 



"■""""•"■"R.F.D. #h Lebanon Rd, 

Rowhoe County Kansas 66gQ6 



's Patients oat* of ii.ni. 
Sept, 10, 189 h 



Osteopathic therapy for rheumatoid 
arthritis 

3 times per week for kO weeks 



$6,000.00 



5< Claimant PrnctiUcner'i, tiamt 



6. Practitioner'* Licence No. 

7T8lh5l6 



7 For I hp StAt# nl 

Kansas 



9. AddrtH of Claimant Practitionfr^ Office 



I CERTIFY THAT the foregoing statements are true and correct to the bent of my knowledge 
and belief. 



9 Date 



ID Kiitniiiiiri' rii Claimant Pmctltioner 
Here ^ 



PENALTY -The law provides severe penalties which include fine or imprisonment or both, for 
the willful submission of an\' statement or evidence or a mmerial ract. Rnnwm; H to be Talie, 
or tor the fraudulent acceptance of any payment to which you Hte not entitled 



^y-^ I ZO NOV 1970 



EXISTING STOCK OF SS-M FOAM 20-4138 
JUL lOSB. WILL BE USED. 



MEDICARE REIMBURSEMENT FORM 3-10. Even the best 
of doctors occasionally run short of the nearly necessary. Tf it hap- 
pens to you, just air mail this baby to your friendly federal govern- 
ment and you'll be in the green again. Mrs. Horace Culper actually 
does live at R.FJD. 4, Lebanon Road, Rowhoe County, Kansas, 
and that's her real social security number. Hut don't worry; she's 
never been to a doctor in her life, and she's not about to dodder in 
on one now. Besides, she's deaf as a lug wrench and illiterate any- 
how and doesn*t even know about Medicare, 



WYANDQTE COUNTY HOSPITAL DISTRICT 

PLAINS MEMORIAL HOSPITAL 

Wyandote, Kansas 



DATE 



ADDRESS. 



f£ For Illegal Drugs 



Refill 



NR. 


! 


2 


3 



Drug from another manufacturer 

nNDD Reg. No. EXND0T#347 
Filled by: 



M.D. No. 



.M.D, 



a: 

R 

o 
D 

a 

>> 
z 
< 

< 
a 

(/) 

< 

X 

o 

£ 

a. 



or the Same £f 



>- 



cr. 
O 

(j> 
i.ij 
a 
n. 

t/> 

55 



Legitimate-looking prescription blank. 
I guess you know where the nearest 
shady quick print joint is? (Careful — 
when filling one of these out, be sure to 
use the proper name of the drug you 
want. Prescriptions for "yellow jack 
ets," "reds," "black beauties/' or "goof- 
balls" are likely to come under sus- 
picion.) 






mmm 




Official. National. Health Corps badge. Not only does it authorize you to make on-the-spot examinations of all young 
women whose breasts appear \musually large, pert, or well-formed £ the three danger signs of malignancy in adoles- 
cent girls) , but it also makes you a deputy sheriff. You can legally arrest your girl friend for fornication the next time 
she sneaks out with that Phi Dclt from Purdue, and, as a doctor, you have a perfect right to examine the evidence. 



04 NATIONAL LAMPOON 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 




Doctor's Privilege Kit 



Attach to rear bumper and it's a "medical emergency. n { Physicians are scarce in America's rural areas, so no questions 
will be asked, and you can get a Highway Patrol escort anywhere in the Midwest if you say: "It might be triplets!*') 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



NATIONAL LAMPOON 65 



Doctor's Privilege Kit 




The vaginal thermometer A what you call your "latest medical development" that "provides greater accuracy" or 
"functions more closely in tune with the woman patient-person's biorhythmics/'etc,, etc., and like that. Anyway, a 
quick switch is no sweat, and she'll be nothing but grateful for your keeping your instruments warm, 



48 



tvimirv H**. ui«, tto 



-33&t~ 



United States Bureau of the Census 

[htfiSirtn «f UiIjiI StJIIKtlC"; 

CERTIFICATE OF DEATH 

For the State of 

Cuumy of 



fUiOiUiu'r. Mo. 









DECEASEXJ-NAMC Fim 
1. 


,\UttMt L.,i SEX DATE OF DEATH r,lWA. £>-,>, Ym* 

F 


RACE Whit*, tjrgro. rfiHrtratt 
Mitida, tic, (Specify) 

4* 


AGE Uft UNDER 1 YEAR UNDER I DAY DATE OF BIRTH Mhm/o tto, V^n COUNTY OF DEATH 

k l 1 * sn. 6c. 6 . / /62 T «. Wyandote 



CITY, VILLAGE, Ofi LOCATION OF DEATH INSIDE CITY LFMITS HOSPITAL OR OTHER INSTITUTION-NAME >tt mt tn tithrr, jj« c itrnt .rntt 

iSpttif) >*J 9t na r aatnh , r • 

7b. Te, 74. Poet or • 3 o ffice 

STATE OF BIRTH fO »•; » O.J, A. CITIZEN OF WHAT COUNTRY MARRIED, NEVER MARRIED, SURVIVING SPOUSE W mfe. xn; mad** 
wut stmnttj) WJDOWED, DIVORCED iSptttfV «■'«< 

^ w . Never married „. Hone 



SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER WAS DECEASED EVER IN U,S, ARMED FORCES? 



None 



ia>. MO 



10 >*■*. JtJi* *"** *>r Jjiet ai itttitti 



USUAL OCCUPATION {Git* t-ind <tf owr* ,/,,«, •/*»,.!* **£f «J 
wiing ft/f, ftp«l 1/ wired) 



RESIDENCE -STATE 

tMu Kansas 



Baby-Hitting 



KIND OF BUSINESS OH INniJSTHY 

13b Domestic self -employment 



CITY. VILLAGE, OR LOCATION INSIDE CITY LIMITS STREET AND NUMBER 

(Spit if}. >n nr BWJ 



iNFOflMAW 1 NAME 



MAIl INt; AIJUHFHK 



*\tttti or R.F.I), rtw,. tit* or nihge. iW*t ztf>> 



PART I DEATH WAS CAUSED BY; IENTER ONLY ONE CAUSE PER UNE FOR f tf, &,, AND It>\ 

"■ 3U seconds 



APPROXIMATE INTERVAL 
BETWeEN_ONSETAND DEATH.. 



iytrt£ t.tuir t.:u 



m Profuse and multiple skull contusions. 

DUE TO, OR AS A CONSEQUENCE OF: 



IMMEDIATE CAUSE 

'EHi?!^*'"'' 1 ^""'''*'*'^ \ w Approx, 20 blows with sharp, heavy object, 

DUE TO, OR AS A CONSEQUENCE OF: 

fe i Se lf-infli ct ion , 



PART O. OTHER StGN/FtCANT CONDITIONS; 

Loii.UltvUi ^ftrftriht/tt'lK ttt At.Ub i'/it fliil ttt.atJ l(t i.il.if jf^lFP 



AU'iOf^sr 



IF VE3 anr ftmit wti furttidmJ 



t>4„tw Irrationality in $ 
m akin g threats to ph ya i c i an sho rt ly before demise il7a . Yes n b . Yes 

ACCrbENT.'sulClOE, HOMTClDE. DATE OF INJURY HOUR HOW INJURY OCCURRED tEttr* ww »l wj*#> ihPjH I q* Pjh it, urm l«J 

mmo^mum&i^mti ****,»*. r*,, Patient administered blows to self 

n &fl< q ui c l ue tee. iac i84 



JNJUfiYATWORK 
(Spttlh Tftf t* n«i 

ioc f Wo 



CERTIFICATION-AIohM 
I Ail ENDED THE 
DECEASED FROM 



PLACE OF INJURY At homr, U"», wtu, }wvn. LOCATtl 
t>fat HA S . fit tSptnhi 

13i Doctor's office _ lg& _ 



;0 tt-*fc BfflTStPJrti„ 7 l»«Ste^: 



up' 



CERTIFICATION CORONERr On tt„ Km, «i ih f «_■,.»«-,.<,.» *l 
itir fruit} jitJlur ibt im'ftUJUIHtft, lit ffl> QpltHOti. df-th 6{Htttt,i on 
tiff Jjit jriJ Jur la tfjr MUtih 1 ttJltd. 



Yi«r AND LAST SAW HIM/ 1 DID/DID NOT DEATH OCCURRED Aiiht !>U t ,„» 

HER ALIVE ON VIEW THE BODY (HOUR1 fin JjIi Jtid. to 

Month D* } Yw AFTER DEATH r^. lur ct *n 

mJ InatiitdRt. due to 

■ °» ISC tb* wnUt iw*4. 



>>.-■ 



toff 



Yf*T 



1h,Ht 



C£RT(FIER-NAME {*&* 9* pnnt) 



Samuel E, Phelps ^ % ^ f/tdfid tfyan dote County Co roner , 

MAI L ING ADDR ES l-CKRHPinR SIrIeT OR R. P. D NO. OTY OR VILLA GE S TATE ZIP 



DATE SIGNED 



MAILING ADDRESS-CCSr/FOrK 

j ld County Bldfl, 



STREET OR RED NO. OTY OR VILLAGE STATE 

20Q Broad St., Topeka, Kansas 



VALID DEATH CERTIFICATE Handy in case you ever have to ax murder an underage girl It has been 
filled out in advance hy our legal department in easy-to-match Smith-Corona office type. The signature of Wyan- 
dote County coroner Samuel E. Phleper is authentic. (Sam reports that he and the missus are very comfortable 
in their new nine-bedroom colonial split-level and that the kids get a kick out of the Winnebago Park-Czar, ) 



ee NATIONAL LAMPOON 



Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



fiSjaSggft PDBD©-^E[MMi 



6R<W 



Wato/ My mm is m/mma toflR* ngodatojmd. 

AS yDUAWm/E GUESSED I WAS BORN IN 
NEW GUINEA WHERE! MV PARENTS WERE 
AAtSUOMARlES. UNLIKE OTHER 
LITTLE GIRLS, /GREW UP PLAVING MU) 
MOA/KEVS.' HA HA BUTSERfOUSLV, 
I'VE COMB A LONG WAV F770A1 

■mosE rat-infested jua/gles. 

To WIS GAY SPOTLESS OFFICE 
WHERE:, INCIDENTALLY, I MAKE A 
SAAALL FORTUNE TREATING 
SHIN DISEASES 





..BUT IT HASN'T All BEEN EASY 

FOR SEVENTEEN YEARS My FATHEPt WAITED AT THE 
JUNGLE'S EDGE WITH ZACKS FULL OF HAMMERS EOR 
THE pyGMIES WHILE POOR MOTHER PLAYED TUE 
ORGfllY M THE TENT, NEVER L0S'N6 HOPS 



WHEN THE PYGMIES FlNALU/CAME THERE WAS, A 
GROSS MIWMDERSTANDING INRICH NOT EVEN 
FATHER'S HAMMEEii COULD ASSUAGE .uf. 








Jrrrfrt%rir * 






















MYLONE& DAYS WERE SPENT HIGHm tHeTREEIoPS 
wi th tȣ GtseoNSmo the Spider monkeys 




/ WAS CLAD WHEN WE LEFT MEW GUINEA 




Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



NATIONAL LAMPOON 67 



GLAD at long myrro BE 'JUST ANOTHER CIRC 
ATA LEADING UNtVERUTY 




CLAD AFTER CBUBUNC VEAfVi OF 

medical smoouro finally hear those wcm$ 



(m WGODATtf/ fr 



wny, 

'THAT? 
Ml 



K, 



^r 



^V 



*^ 



70 THli DAY I REMEMBER NW FIRST C A5£ AND 
HON VERVHERVCUi I WA<>.„ A RETIRED ARMY 
COLONEL WITH A NASTY RAW. H/S HEAD 

mi iNiioe a bottle, so you can tMACiNE. 

HOW DlFFtCULT THAT MS 10 TREAT ' 




r%%\vv<\ 



AND THEN TRERE WA<> THE Yl PPlE INHO HAD 
EATEN TOO MUCH CHOCOLATE! HE FELL 
Mfo A7RANCE AND HAD A VlSiON RIGHT THERE 
IN AAV OFFICE 




ALL MANNzRoF PEOPLE HAVE PASSED THROUGH THIS 
MITING ROOM ', MOVIE STARS, POLtTftfAmMOQM, 
CRIMINALS, NOQOPlEi. I TREAT THEM ALL I 
(A/HAT DO I CARE? 




LIFE 1$ WONDERFUL. J LOME BEING A DOCTOR'. 
I LOVE SITTING AT THIS GIGANTIC DESK. DRESSED 
ALL IN WHITE, CLEAN /NUDE AND CUT UK£A 
QUEEN WAITING FOR MV NEXT PATIENT: MtfQE 
IT WILL 3ZAMWte$TAfi-OftAJOCKEVl 



What mm 

couloaCirl 

WW? 




£A0 



68 NATIONAL LAMPOON 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 




Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



NATIONAL LAMPOON 69 








70 NATIONAL LAMPOON 



7 National Lampoon Inc. 




***£^ 








rfs 





Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



NATIONAL LAMPOON 71 




72 NATIONAL LAMPOON 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



I 




A 



The Circular of the organization of Medical Assooiations 



V '. -•'. * : '■ is^ycW •*».* 







M^OI^NLIH 












So-called Malpractice: 
Unethical Lawyers Making Money 
off Honest Mistakes 
or Unscrupulous Attorneys Profiting 
from Unavoidable Accidents? 



Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



April 16, 1975 



Medical News 



April 16. 1975 







Ethics Committee Takes 
Call for New Legal Definition 
of Death 



Dr. Norman C, Tyblane, chairman of the Special Ethics 
Committee on the Definition of Death, formally issued 
his committee's report at the Senior Surgeon Society's 
Sixth Annual Convention at Walt Disney World. Dubbed 
"TransPlan 75," the SSS get-together was devoted to a 
sweeping study of organ transplant procedures and 
hence was an appropriate forum for Dr. Tyblane T s call 
for a radical rewriting of legal and medical doctrine on 
what constitutes death. 

Under the redefinition drafted by the Special Ethics 
Committee, death would be deemed to have occurred and 
"heroic efforts" to maintain life would be suspended once 
the patient arrived at a terminal state, and the following 
signs were observed hy the physician in charge after a 
number of checks : fund insufficiency, stoppage of capi- 
tal circulation, numismatic exhaustion, lack of liquidity, 
general insolvency, traumatic large-denomination cur- 
rency depletion, chronically depressed cash How levels, 
and irreversible pecuniary failure. 

Dr. Tyblane emphasized that from an ethical point 
of view, organ removal in hopeless cases is the most 
desirable course, since it permits the doctor to save at 
least some small portion of his patient, even if he cannot 
preserve the life of the individual as a whole. The Com- 
mittee's report also observed that organ removal for 
transplant purposes is often the only way to resolve dif- 



ficult ambiguities about the exact state of the patient, 
since once the organ is removed^ — presuming it is a 
major one — the attending physician can with confidence 
pronounce the patient dead and thus spare relatives 
needless anguish and keep hospital facilities from in- 
curring further burdensome costs. 

Another advantage of what Dr, Tyblane termed "the 
asset acid test" is that it allows physicians to make a 
final determination of "legal tender death" based on a 
simple, abstract formula which frees them of the need 
to consider complex moral issues and impossibly impre- 
cise biomedical measurements. "What it would all boil 
down to," Dr, Tyblane concluded, "is a simple matter of 
no tickee, no livee," 



Correction 

Photograph mislabeled— In the ORIGINAL CONTRI- 
BUTION, "Control of Hypoglyconic Mysopepsia in Cata- 
lactial Individuals Suffering from Downes' Syndrome," 
published in the April 2 issue (265:450-454, 1975), the 
photograph on page 451 carried a eaption which indi- 
cated that it was a human pituitary gland affected with 
Holoplastic Ontrimony, The organ pictured was, in fact, 
a healthy mouse heart. 



101 COMA, May 13. 1975 • Vol 100, No 1 Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



Medicolegal 



THE CASE AGAINST POSTNATAL ABORTION 



IN that best of all possible worlds to which the late Dr, 
Pangloss often referred , the doctor-patient relationship 
would be both privileged and sacrosanct, free from the 
meddlesome influence of such other so-called profes- 
sionals as attorneys, clergymen, politicians, etc. There 
is even a school of medical thought which maintains 
that the consent of the patient is, in most cases, an un- 
warranted interference with the physician's profes- 
sional freedom. (The patient's bank manager , of course, 
might perhaps be privy to certain diagnoses and pro- 
jected programs of therapy,) 

However, this is not the best of all possible worlds. 
This is America, a land beset by creeping 1 welfare- 
statism and a federal government increasingly nig- 
gardly with research grant money. A nation in which 
attorneys, judges, and juries of amateurs are permitted 
to interfere in those life-and-death decisions which by 
right and tradition only a doctor can make. 

The most obvious area of judicial interference today 
is, of course, the theater of operations known as thera- 
peutic abortion. When abortions were simply against the 
law, things were simple. The precious doctor-patient 
relationship remained intact. We performed the abor- 
tions, they paid for them, and neither of us was about 
to go bleating to the civil authorities about it. In addi- 
tion to which, there was no need for us to declare such 
fees as accrued under those circumstances, eliminating 
yet another area of government interference in medical 
ethics — income taxes. Of course, it was too good to last. 
Certain laymen, using such terms as death, life, and pain 
(the precise meanings of which they cannot possibly 
grasp), interfered, with predictable results. Soon every 
traffic cop, circuit judge, journalist, and nun was telling 
us when we could perform surgery, what we could re- 
move, and whether or not it should be kept breathing. 

Then the Supreme Court got into the act, The result 
was a further erosion of the physician's professional 
right to decide who should live and who should not ; for 
while the Supreme Court's ruling did leave the decision 
up to the doctor, it narrowed the area in which he could 
exercise his discretion, and implied that his decision 
was subject to review by the courts. 

And this is precisely what happened in theEdelin case 
in Boston, where a civilian jury, none of whom was 
qualified to perform a simple D and C, found Dr.Edelin 
guilty of manslaughter against a fetus, We have no 
doubt that Dr. Edelin will come out of this all right. If 
he is forced to a hand on his practice, he can always make 
a decent living as an entertainer. 

However, there is a principle, a precedent, involved, 
and other doctors may be neither so fortunate nor so 
naturally rhythmic. 

Right now, your O.M.A. lobby in Washington is work- 
ing harder than ever to have all bureaucratic socialist 
restrictions removed from the profession. Several hills 
will come before the house ibis session recommending 
that in cases of pregnancy, old age, possible organ trans- 
plant donorship, or nonpayment of doctor's bills, the 
physician atone may and shall judge whether life need 



be uselessly sustained, 

But until this desirable legislation is passed, we must 
deal with this less than best of all possible worlds. We 
are, after all, practical men, many of us with families. 
It is the recommendation of the O.M.A. standing sub- 
committee on legal infringement that no physician per- 
form an abortion at this time or for the foreseeable 
future. To be on the safe side, one should avoid prescrib- 
ing birth control devices and cold showers, This will 
hardly result in economic hardship on the doctors* part, 
since obstetrics remains a lucrative held, and one in 
which the trained abortionist can easily practice by the 
simple expedient of doing everything backwards. But 
there remains the problem of the supernumerary infant, 
the unloved and unwanted child who may grow up a 
neurotic misfit, and possibly vote for extended Medicare, 
if not outright communism, 

We have consulted the chairpersons of all the "Right 
to Life** groups in the country, and are assured by them 
that they have no objection indeed, they encourage 
postnatal abortion, Techniques approved as moral in- 
clude electrocution, hanging, gassing, napalm bombing, 
and machine gunning of troublesome babies, 

It is important to distinguish the perfectly legal ter- 
mination of life from the practice of postnatal abortion 
as defined by Dr, Ernest T, Bos tick of the New Jersey 
Medical School in the British Medical Journal Scalpel 
Bostick reasoned that, "Since the development of the 
human body proceeds In a relatively uninterrupted 
process from conception to the middle twenties, before 
biological adulthood results in stabilization, individuals 
below the age of the hundredth trimester are, techni- 
cally, postpartum fetuses in an extrauterine environ- 
ment," 

Dr. Bostick's faultless logic ("Since senility sets in 
at the moment of biological stasis, the physician is with- 
in his rights to practice indicated euthanasia at or be- 
yond that age," he argues, clearly giving medical 
practitioners their traditional privilege of mortal deci- 
sion over every individual) assumes, however, a u topi a 
in which the state has no business in the consulting or 
operating room. 

Hut, as we have said, America is no such utopia, and 
abortion, pre- or postpartum, is still subject to investi- 
gation by ambulance-chasing lawyers and judges. 

The surgical technique we recommend to Association 
members is a simple one (and there is little risk to the 
mother). Immediately after the delivery of the infant, 
the obstetrician makes a citizen's arrest upon it for 
disturbing the peace and indecent exposure. (A citizen's 
arrest is perfectly legal, but many physicians have had 
themselves deputized, as a precautionary measure.) The 
infant then resists arrest, and is shot. 

There can be no objection from right** to- lifers (who 
are all law-and-order advocates), nol* from liberal 
bleeding hearts (who are all zero-population-growth- 
ers). The ,38 caliber Police Special favored by most 
practitioners is available at cost from the Association, 
and, as a surgical instrument, is tax deductible. 



COMA, May 13, 1975 • Vol 100, No 1 



Coma 102 



Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



Adventures in Drug Abuse 



CANNABIS SATIVA-INDUCED 
GYNECOMASTIA 

Marijuana Smoking Linked to Growth of Breasts in Men 
F.T.D.Duck f M.D. 



• In a triple blind clinical evaluation, fifteen to twenty-one-year-old males 
regularly using large amounts of euphoria-inducing plant resins underwent 
traumatic physical changes. This unusual result may be directly related to 
known harmful effects of lysergic acid on chromosomes, retinas, Quaatudes on 
hundred-yard-dash times, and heroin on the balance of payments. 
(Coma 23:116 118 t 1923) 



THE OCCURRENCE of nonideo- 
pathic mammary enlargement in 
adolescent and adult male users of 
"mary jane" or marijuana has been 
suspected by the average G, P. since 
the drug's invention in 1D17, Up 
until now, only a total lack of clinical 
evidence has kept this important link 
in the background along with radical 
leeching, blood-letting, and thera- 
peutic homicide. This association, to 
my knowledge, has not been reported 
previously in a responsible profes- 
sional journal. It is hoped that this 
brief report will help advance that 
date considerably. 



Report of a Case 

Two seventeen-year-old white 
"hippie" youths were admitted to 
the Brookliue Hospital's Drive-In 
While-U-Wait Clinic complaining 
of what at first appeared to be com- 
mon external sternoclavicular irrita- 
tion due to improper hygiene habits 
(Ginsberg's rot). On physical ex- 
amination, however, two large lumps 
of fatty tissue were discovered on 
both client's thoracic regions com- 
plicated by a marked inability to re- 
member the extent of their major 
medical coverage or parents* gross 
annual incomes. 





Fig. 1,— Left advanced marijuana-induced gynemaactomy. Right,* normal, undiseased 
female jug. 

Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



Upon further questioning at the 
police station, the youths admitted 
that they had frequently used Can- 
nabis sativa (the active ingredient 
in legally diluted aspirin) for a 
"thrill" or, on weekends, "a total 
freak-in." During the course of 
standard tests for pain and stupidity 
tolerance, the health-buyers reacted 
normally ; the taller and more attrac- 
tive of the two was even able to 
remember long portions of dialogue 
from Marcus Welby and, with elec- 
tric stimulation, the phone number 
of his bank 

Over the next eight years, the 
writer had considerable opportunity 
to visit and study these purchasers 
in a controlled environment, and, in 
1973, just shortly before their re- 
lease, finally got to do the tall one up 
the ass. 

Comment 

These customers proved to have 
identical paired swellings on their 
chests which failed repeatedly to 
respond to standard androgenic 
hormonal injections. Physically, 
both specimens appeared otherwise 
to be in relatively good health (with 
the single exception of a large hem- 
orrhoid that gradually appeared on 
the taller one, but which subse- 
quently proved to be benign and 
actually quite tasty with a little 
salt) , 

In addition to the enlargement of 
the mammary glands, marijuana 
smoking may also account for the 
radical shrinkage of the penile and 
scrotal tissues and monthly blood 
discharges exhibited by both youths. 
So advanced was the shrinkage by 
the time the youths were admitted, 
in fact, that neither consumer was 
capable, upon digital, semi volun- 
tarily-induced stimulation, to pro- 
duce more than a token erection 
from these atrophied organs. This 
result, combined with closer inspec- 
tion of the large, gooey, hair-covered 
opening that had appeared in places 
of the peniscs, may possibly account 
for the youths' subsequent predilec- 
tion for women's clothing and prune 
whip yogurt, two reliable indicators 
of abnormal and undesirable sexual 
(continued next issue) 






The Crisis in Patient-Specialist 
Confidence Levels, 
—The Proctologist 

Partlll |if 

tween proctologist and 
le most sensitive in out sen 
area increasingly critical as incidences of disorder 
rise, yet one in which societal discretion operates at 
a maximum, the specialist is well within his rights in 
demanding full and complete trust on the part of the 
potential victim in order that diagnosis and therapy 
can be fundamentally thorough. Given the peculiar 
nature of his field, the proctologist must get quickly 
to the bottom of his case. In terms of confidence, 
therefore, he understandably expects, and often gets, 
the moon. The patient, on the other hand, already in- 
fluenced by the general patterns of mistrust discussed 
in Part I (Constitutional Limits of Medical Disclosure) 
and Part II (Gynecology and the Free Press) is re- 
quired to subject himself or herself* to inspection with 
less than clinical overtones. Presentation amongst the 
primates is regarded as an essential prelude to sex- 
ual activity and while more prevalent within special 



Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



It's her third visit this month 
for those "funny paiiS 
What do you prescype? 




mL 



r 



Placebin 

(placebo) 



Let's face it, she gives you a pain. 
You know she got her symptoms out of 
an old medical encyclopedia and 
she's just looking ior something to talk 
about with the girls. And you'd like 
nothing better than to tell her so, But 
she's wealthy, and she pays those 
inflated bills for office visits without a 
quibble. In full. On lime. Writing her 
off would be writing a prescription for 
financial disaster. 

Instead, write a prescription for 
Placebin® (placebo). There are 
twenty different placebos in the Riche 
Placebin® family to choose from. Each 
contains a slightly different formula- 



tion of totally inactive 1 ingredients — 
chalk, sugar 1 , cellulose, and bone 
meal — and each is supplied as a tablet 
or capsule in a wide variety of differ- 
ent shapes and colors. 

In addilion, every Placebin* comes 
with a detailed printed "diagnosis" 
containing descriptions of a realistic, 
nonexistent malady or disorder and a 
generalized "prognosis" with a high 
degree of vagueness to insure con- 
formance to standard hypochondriac 
complaints, You select the Placebin* 
that most closely approximates the 
patient's "ailment/' 

So, for patients who try your 
patience, prescribe Riche Placebins®. 
With the time you save— and the money 
you make— you can prescribe a little 
golf or a spin in the yacht for yourself. 



Rlche Placebins currently available 



Uselase 


Mendacin-8 


invairn 


Apocryphol 


Futol-20 


Fabricane-500 


Prevaricol 


Simulacrum 


Pseudol 


Pretensin 


Quasi ne It 


Equivicine-HCI 


Spuriase 


Mythtcol 


Falladn 


Camauflaeln-5 



INDICATIONS: Hypochondria. 

CONTRAINDICATIONS* None. 

WARNINGS: None, 

PRECAUTIONS: Avoid prescribing the samp 

Placebin? for wtdety varying disorders. 

ADVERSE REACTIONS: None, 

DOSAGE: No more than 500 tablets or 

capsules per day, 

HOW SUPPLIED: 10 mg, 25 mg, 50 mg, and 

100 mg tablets and capsules, 

■A .0000001 mg trace dosage of belladonna 
has been included in formulations to qualify 
Placebins^ as drugs requiring prescription. 
'For diabetic hyponhondrlans, specify 
Placebin-D series. 

Rfchc Laboratories 

Griiifey, New Jersey 09210 



Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



Selected Abstracts 

Cont. 



WOUND-NEWYQM 

An Advanced Surgical 
Technique for Obdulating the 
Subhermesic Lemia in Cases of 
Phagolytlsosis of the Glabnoid 
Famnia 



R,M, UELBLATT ct ft! ( KoBlindalo VA 
Hospital, Koalindale, MA) Wound 4:198-201 
(Mar. 4) 1975 



Instead of fibroinfarcting; the demaci- 
ous elosthria with clasmic virotiniiea 
and tissulary hemocrabs, asphorixic 
diophane is administered in the lorastic 
region with a miasmometer clamped to 
a nietographic hyl otoscope, and follow- 
ing subfemoglycrastial neurysmia of 
the pyrexia dyalastica and cystodonty 
of the bronehocarderial ventrimosa, 
the entire spleredal bodyj together with 
the bifidial nemotolalia,, arc cat out 
with a tiny chainsaw, 

(WAK-STOCKHOLM 

Cross-Transmission of Revenue 
Producing Diseases Among 
Private Inpatients Receiving 
Treatment in Ward Environments 



R. OLVAACretal < TmoversotaHt Sveuska 
Medikaa. Malmtf. Sweden! Qudk 30^123- 1 EG, 
(Mar. 7) lflYft 



In states with larpre socialized medicine 
structures, physicians niUSt develop 
novel techniques to stimulate revenue 
growth in the sma.ll areas of private 
practice they are able to maintain. One 
method is to insure longer stays by pri- 
vate patients in hospitals and to 
achieve as high a rate of convalescent 
complications as is consistent with^ re- 
taining a license to practice medicine. 

ZLEIZUND KUTT-STUTTGABT 

Selective Use of Fear and Rain in 
Obtaining Informed Consent for 
Major Surgery 



P. HELTZNER et al ( Das Klimk Kcmpul. 
2om«d i k exit k td i rek tii « h in i won , Fvu n k f mt , 
W. Gormany) Zleix wi U Kutt. 4l;6fil-fi6R 
(Mm-. J 1975 



Deep reluctance to undergo certain 
radical surgical procedures is endemic, 
even in advanced countries with edu- 
cated populations. In order to over- 
come patient doubt and thus maintain 
high operating room occupancy rates 
and keep to tight schedules, a careful 
program of anxiety-producing: state- 
ments, "playlets" (sometimes involv- 
ing professional actors), and displays 
of colored photographs of medical 
oddities is employed, If success is not 
achieved, a variety of drugs and instru- 
ments are used to help the patient in 
his decision — making process by sub- 
jecting him to an environment of un- 
bearable pain- 



Emily Post's 

Bedside Manners 

12 th Edition 

Should you tell a dying patient of tils 
condition informally or send a formal 
printed note? Is it all right to pick up 
kidney transplants with your gloves, or 
should you use a forceps? What is the 
proper way to introduce the comatose? 
Which side tto&s the spleen go on? 

The answers to all your questions on 
medical etiquette are in this handy office 
reference work— for years, the final au- 
thority on proper practice. 

$12,95 

COMPRESS INC., 
Great Barrington, Mass, 



PHYSICIANS WANTED CONT. 



SENIOR BRAIN SPECIALIST— BOARD CER- 
TIFIED — mus I have experience in * 'heroic ef- 
fort" life maintenance, unmarried, highly dis- 
creet, to work in private ward on special project. 
Parkland Hospital, Dallas, Texas. a08~714-JUfin 



SITUATIONS WANTED 



VETERINARIAN WITH LONG EXPERIENCE WISHES TO 
try other medical fields— obs, gyn, etc. Over 15 
years in animal work, much of It treating large, 
human-like animals, incL caws, pigs. Willing to 
start with charity cases. Box 31 87 W, c/n n.M.n, 



PRACTICES FOR SALE 



LUCRATIVE GENERAL PRACTICE IN SAN DIEGO in 
Spanish speaking neighborhood. Grass over $150,000 
annually from the greasers with my eyes clnseil — 
you can, too. Should Da able to speak some spic. 
Box 1342 P, o/e 0-M.A. 

COSMETIC SURGERY PRACTICE FOR SALE 
TN MIDWESTERN CITY. Take a bulge out 
here, put it in somewhere else. Trim the failles, 
fallen the flatties. A child could do it ( my son 
was my chief assistant until he went to high 
school) i No night calls, no weekend work. Over 
$100,000 annually. Make extra $$$ with list of 
prominent nose jobs. Box 2157 P, c/o O-M.A, 

UNUSUAL, HIGHLY LUCRATIVE BIG CITY 
PRACTICE for sale. Specializing in handling 
"depression." Mi rough pre script ion medication. 
Forced to retire suddenly- Caixa Post ale 156, 
Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. 



FOR SALE 



IMPRESSIVE LOOKING MACHINE WITH 
LIGHTS, DIALS. BUZZERS, levers, gauges, 
etc. Operates on normal household currency. 
Emirs realistic sparks, pale hlue glow, powerful 
whine. Box 134J F,c/oQ.M.A, 



A unique offer to physicians 
who convince patients to will 
corneas or obtain valid 
deathbed consents. 

5 corneas — Sunbeam Mixmaster 
1 corneas — Sony 1 2* portable TV 
15 corneas- GE 5,000 BTU air cond. 

THE EYE DANK OF GREATER MILWAUKEE 




Reprisol [to™] 

GIi/* I ho m a dose of their own medicine, . . . 

A dishonest mechanic who over- 
charged you. A banker who turned 
you down for a loan. A rude waitress 
who gave you poor service in a res- 
taurant A policeman who ticketed 
you for going three mph over the 
speed limit. Any one of them could 
end up in your waiting room. 

When opportunity makes an ap- 
pointment, be sure you Ye ready. With 
Reprisol J* you can give an unsus- 
pecting victim 48-72 of the most 
unpleasant hours of his life. 

Indications: Severe antagonism or an- 
tipathy towards patient. 
Cuittra indications; Nunc. 
Warnings: Chronic administration of 
doses over 100 mg. per day may cause death, 
Precaution*: Prescribe: minimum effective 
dose (3ix 50- mg. tablets) wherever possible to 
protect aganist discovery and analysis of re- 
maiiiiny Unutilised portion of prescription in 
event of Ira u ma tic reaction. 
Sitle Effects: I EeadaLhe. palpitations ano- 
rexia, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, tachycardia, 
angina pectoris, nasal congestion, flushing, 
lacrfmation, conjunctivitis, peripheral neuritis, 
paresthesias, numbness, cramps, depression, 
disorientation anxiety, hypersensitivity; rash, 
urticaria, pruritus, fever, chills, arthralgia, eositv 
ophilia. hepatitis, constipation, difficulty in 
micturition, dyspnea, paralytic ileus, lympha- 
tenopathy, splenomegaly, blood dyspasias, 
leukopenia, agranulocytosis, purpura, dysar 
thria, ataxia, jaundice. Incontinence, tremor, 
vertigo, urinary retention, blurred vision, hal- 
lucinations, muscle spasticity, neutropenia, 
abdominal cramps, bloating, choreiform and/ 
ordystonic movements, orthostatic hypo- 
tensive episodes, bradykinctic episodes, para 
noid ideation, dementia, gastrointestinal 
Weeding, hemolytic anemia, 
mysphagia. sialorrhea, bruxism, blepharo- 
spasm, trismus, flatulence, diplopia, hot flashes, 
dark sweat rind /or urine, temporary loss of 
vision, sinusitis, bleeding of the gums, loss of 
hair, stool retention, and coma. 
Dosage: One 50- mg. tablet every four hours 
tor 24 hours, Repeat if continued effect is 
desired. 

How Supplied: Tablets, in mislabeled bot- 
tles of 100 and 1000. Caution: Not available* 
by prescription. Always dispense in unmarked 
container. Write direct to manufacturer to 
obtain supply 



COMA. Mav 13. 1975 • Vol 100, No 1 



Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



Coma 106 



Terminalin 

(curroplumbum homicide activated with 

sulphur-corbon-porassiunn 

nitrate compound) 

for cerebral infusion 

where euthanasfa is indicated. 

Cartridges of .32c -06c and .45c 




Downjohn 



© 1975 The Downjohn Com pony 



Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



®l)unhill 



"What Jimmy Buffett knows is that our 
personal musical history lies at the 
curious hinterland where Hank 
Williams and Xavier Cugat meet with 
somewhat less animosity than the the- 
oreticians would have us believe* 5 

—Torn McGuane, annatator, A White Sport 
Coat and A Pmk Crustacean, 1973 

"Pick it, Coral Reefers*.. here we go!' 

-Jimmy Buffett, ibid, 1973 

Jimmy Buffett is a songsmith, a storyteller, a 
strummer and a plucker, and he even does a 
time-step or two. He is everything except cat- 
egorizable, and he will make your socks roll 
up and down, A! A is his new album, and not 
a moment too soon. 











US'. - : ; vifii 




tojg{J©20Q7. National -JJ^JjBB Inc. 



&«#i& ; 




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In Philadelphia . . . choose The Latham 



HOW YOU 

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SeXUfiLRELATIODSl 

AS LOflOi PS 

YOU WISH 



A learned sexologist has discovered an easy to use, 
uniquely new sex miracle llml inslanlly allows you to 
iHHuila in the male ereel ion as Jong as you want . while 
completely eliminating premature acid untimely climax 

When you apply ' UUKA STALOMV you aie im- 
mediately ready lo begin... and corvlmut the sex act 
with any partner, the way you want -at any tempo you 
wait! ..without ever losing control 

'UURa-staionG js cuimiieieiy liou-detectable so 
she I J fiewei know you re usinjj it It's also greaseless 
odorless, non toxic and 100' safe No more strain 
nig" dj "holding hack ULTRA STAlGNG will never 
let you down 

For your privacy, ULTRA-STALONG i$ mailed ma 
plain envelope, complete with instructions II npl fully 
satisfied, simply return the label within IU days tor lull 
rfiluurl NOTf NOT availablu in stores. Sold only 
through the mail. (No prescription needed.) 

Do not accepl rmnublions. "UURA-STALONC" is 
the oily genuine potency product. 

I ■ ■ ■ Border today* ■ ■ ■ I 

I Send Cash Check nr M6fl£? Order To 
I SHORE PRODUCTS. Depl NL575 
| Box 42/. Hronwille. New Yflrh IU/US 

30 Day Suppiv Unlv %b Sfo 
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9U-0av Supply Otil* SHI H* ^avl SbyD- 



I Name 
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i City 



Stale 



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mi** rm/v Ftt£G&i0% ve/icH 

Som poflT FERNS* INKMSWR 
BUTNOT ORl^M-l ANVfALL 




Sometimes silent- 
always deadly. 

WhatisTF? 

TF is tlic nation's Number One Killer. 










Here aic six of the 140 warning signs of TF: 

• bi«ilu»d rl"iirl fw tnmioi:.-. * Defoliated Imw and shml*. 

* I Vritni: v. Hilpajwi •Studied tnauresws 

» L.n I. *i rritrnd> itnd acquaintances. • L'rtJiccuunttiW* pel death*, 

TF- 
it's not to be sniffed at. 

Fi" fuifl \--:vX- on fionud tih> rn oundtttioii Los. Atomo? mc*-.- Mexico 



£ 



W 



82 NATIONAL LAMPOON 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



continued from patfe MS 

without doubt it would receive ex- 
cellent reviews from the one maga- 
zine in the country qualified both to 
talk to today's young folks and to 
make them laugh— not to mention 
continued coverage for many months 
thereafter on its progress. 

Where, though, even if our puta- 
tive producer saw the wisdom of all 
this, would he find the appropriate 
script? Curiously, it just so happens 
that a very funny movie script about 
pirates by someone whose name bears 
a remarkable resemblance to one of 
the editors of this periodical has just 
found its way into the raulti-desked 
approval system of Universal. Al- 
though we cannot reveal the name of 
this masterpiece of comedy lest we 
bias the excellent men and women of 
that company against the many other 
funny movie scripts about pirates that 
they must be reading we can say 
this: Its beginning is superb, its ac- 
tion sensational > and its ending a 
humdinger. 

Since the moneys which make 
principal photography possible have 
not yet changed hands, we can't say 
with absolute certainty that it will 
ultimately be Universal who is lucky 
enough to produce this picture. Since 
our concern is not with the surefire 
gold mine aspects of the production, 
however, but with our readers' enjoy- 
ment, we must add that it doesn't 
matter who actually makes it; and 
that if there is anyone else, prefer- 
ably from a prominent, studio, who 
feels that Universal is not quite right 
for it, they should contact the author 
before it's too late. What we can say 
with certainty is that when this sub- 
limely funny movie is finally made, 
every cent of the hard-won three or 
four dollars our readers are usually 
so reluctant to shell out at the box 
office will be well spent. 

T.H. 

A lot of people who read this mag- 
azine think that Antarctica is a grim 
and grisly place, a barren, frozen 
waste where nothing grows except for 
clumsy little birds and an occasional 
Frenchman in a rubber suit. When 
vacation time rolls around, and they 
make a list of the places where they 
want to go to spend their tourist 
dollars, Antarctica always comes out 
dead last. We know our readers feel 
this way, because we ask them when 
we see them in the supermarket or 
the corner bar. 

"Don't he so quick to judge," we 
tell them. "The South Pole might be 
fun/* 

**Oh yeah," they answer, "how the 
hell do you know?" And that's where 
they've got us. We don't know. We 
can't convince our nearly 7 million 
readers, who spend somewhere in the 



neighborhood of $15 million annually 
on tours and other forms of travel, 
that Antarctica might be the proper 
place to drop their tourist dollars, 
because we haven't been to Antarc- 
tica either! Are you listening, Mr. 
Lindblad? We know you're out there 
'cause we see your tour ads every 
week in The New Yorker. The ones 
for the little white ships with diving 
bells, and French cuisine, and Nor- 
wegian crewmen who can wrestle 
polar bears and make the walruses 
swim right up to your Kodak Insta- 
matic? We'd like to change our read- 
ers' minds, Mr, Lindblad, but it looks 
as though we need your help. 

J.W. 



SUBTERRaNEAM SC 




I 



486 SMAR6 PICAS 0FOL0 BIL&E gj gs 

bttttiLtfe 

reading auiifefjjt 



ICAI^ 






. WANKS TO & f\ 



tfkcieiLAtti} 2*1 i 



%yM 



"Knuckles" IRalumey won't 
be Home. Tonight... 

. . . because Knuckles, once a modest vacuum cleaner 
salesman, is now a carefree, footloose "brother of the windVj 

Knuckles wears Roach T-shirts because they suit his 
lifestyle: "Like fer 1 instance, this one 
J got on here. I been wearing it for 
eight weeks straight. 1 ' 

Roach, Take it from Knuckies- 
Or better yet, get your own. 



Photographic Designs 





5011 



pity-to n p -°- Box 182 nlp5 -?5 

±M\Sm>3 i h Worthington, Ohio 43085 



StUOE . 



SpacJfy Dft&ipfl Ha. Siia 

D Dpngrn tin uoth swci at jnm, 13 DO wiu 



hnjch Cilatag 75t TIM. TOPS MAS 

Whin 1 th.it 13.90 Q Turn Tank QGroy 

Trim T-sliiri Ji.95 ~Qfijr«a i | Hluu 

While Swih.^i 3*44 :l Willow DUIlC 

Aguil n-io=: SMUL COLOR T -SWATS 14 35 

Y«ulh OMii 04, l0-i?> e[ufl (J HfMjJ {jold 

14.1 &. ;T- ih in* only} l!l.il*e TJOrMifl* 

Enema cajfi, cihkk or monov oram. tOm S20, 
ntAn*/ nuini only) Ohio «u*d*ni« add i*V ^lo» hi* 

CunUdiin .iiioeiii, lU iu 10*, Mjiho chccH pbysbln 

io noAcn. Agd mc por jnjri ror pew ago 



f^ 



4013 



Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



NATIONAL LAMPOON 83 



Continued from page 63 

to hope for admission. But if you think 
that's the real reason it's impossible 
to get into medical school- — then, Mr. 
Reader, your peachy-pink naivete in 
peeking out the leg hole of your fancy 
nylon jog£er"s shorts, Doctors are all 
favored SOUS of the rich and powerful 
men in this world'. They are the scions 
of dictators, generals, heads of states, 
financial barons, and rubber czars; the 
offspring of mogols, princes, poten- 
tates, chairmen of the boards of huge 
multinational cartels, and masters of 
vast plantations in those far-flung 
corners of the earth where life is still 
cheaper than a well-mixed Rum Col- 
lins. Thus, the remarkable privileges 
allowed physicians. Plus, doctoring 
gives these young people something to 
do. 

Of course, there are no black or 
"colored" doctors. Those Negroes and 
gibbering dusky foreigners youve 
seen calling themselves medical men 
m our big city hospitals arc actually 
the mercenary troops of third -world 
private armies studying the human, 
body here stateside in order to exact 
more effective forms of pain when in- 
terrogating miscreant intellectuals 
and communist sympathizers. Nor are 
there any women doctors. Doctors 
who appear to be women are, in real- 
ity, just rich boys who like to, well, 
"dress up." Ycu catch my meaning. 
And stay away from lady proctolo- 
gists. 

Anyway, you can see why you 
aren't a doctor: or, I should say, "why 
you didn't used to be a doctor," Be- 
cause included with this article is 
everything you need to pass yourself 



off as a licensed practitioner and open 

the confines of your unappealing life 
to fun, money, and universal respect. 
Something holding you back? 
Think you don't know the first thing 
about medicine, for instance? Put 
your mind at ease. Vou know what 
1 ich kids are like. They spend all their 
time wrecking sports cars and getting 
pushed into swimming pools by the 
Kennedys If theie were anything 
tough about being a doctoi » they'd all 
go into hotel/ motel management or 
something. But they don't. That's he- 
cause there's really not much to mod- 
ern medicine. Once upon a time, may- 
be — what with all that leeching and 
cupping and tiiesome fresh air cures. 
But no more Nowadays, all diseases 
are divided into two types; fatal and 
nonfatal There's nothing you can do 
about fatal diseases, so anything you 
do will be fine with everyone con- 
cerned, since there's nothing to be 
done. Penicillin cures everything else. 
And penicillin is nothing but bread 
mold: 



Nonfatal 

Disease 


Therapy cr Treatment 


1 t|i:inti 
Encephalitis 


1 it ice of moldy brn.id i:vcry 4 hfE. 
ffji 6 days 


Rocky Mountain 
Spotted Fcvci 


3 slices of moldy bread before 
meals for a week 


Infiueiua 


3 slices of moldy bread at bedtime 
^ntil symptoms subside 


Viral Pneumonia 


Initial dose of I ]q«tF mcidv bread 
followed by 3 to 5 days ci moldy 
bread therapy 


infectious 
Mononucleosis 


l slice ol moldy bread en waning 
each day for a month and plenty of 
bed rest 


Mump* 


3 slices of moldy bread at meals 
for 9 days 


Acute follicular 
Conjunctivitis 


2 Vi-ioat treatments administered at 
an Interval of 3 for*. 


Chi then Pox 


Moldy bread piasters applied to 

ervrttom 



Serum Hepatitis 


Regular diet of moldy bread, fresh 
fruit, and vegetables for term of 
disease 


Sea not lever 


3 tsp. of loose bread mold overy l 
hrs. loi dm.Uiort uf r,isti 


Broitthilis 


Dread mold respirator twice a day 
for 5 days. 


impetigo 


Wash infected areas with bread 
mold daily 


To nsi I litis 


Paint throat with moldy bread at bed- 
time 


Whooping Cough 


A slices of moldy broad every morn- 
ing ard evening while cough persists 


Sydenham's 
Chorea 


6 in 12 slices uf moldy bread per 

i.Liy f;i; 12 ddJfS 


Salmonella 


Maintain moldy bread toaot diet for 
2 days 


Typhoid rover 


7. slices of moldy bread hourly fnr 
llii; XwA llirt-'H i\Ays fulluwpti by 1 
slice eiruiy three hours for a week 


Amebic 
Dy&cntery 


Gradual administration of moldy 
bread in increasing dosages 


Tularemia 


Moldy bread set out in epidemic 
wildlife areas is an effective 
prnphyfa^tir. 


Diphtheria 


1 leaf of moldy rye bread pci day 
until fever breaks 


Yaws 


6 moldy bread crusts every night for 
2 weeks 


Jaundice 


2 tsp. bread mold crumbs with 
meals 


lnte&ti::a; 
Flukes 


Rectal administration of moldy 
bread pudding 


Lump Jaw 


Cold moldy bread compress will 
reduce swelling 


Urethritis 


\ administration of 3 loaves, ui 
moldy bread 


Gonorrhea 


] admin islfaliun nf ft loaves of 
moldy bread 


syphilis 


3 administrations of S loaves of 
moldy bread 



That's pretty much all you need to 
know. As for the rest — anybody can 
slap a Band-Aid on, and babies plop 
right out of their own accord. Christ, 
peasant women the world over just 
waddle to the edge of the field every 
nine months, grunt twice, smear the 
brat with mud, and go back to harrow- 
ing turnips or whatever. All that lolly- 
gagging in bed our wives and mothers 
do is just to get attention. 

Well that's that — nothing but lay- 
ers uf sham and deceit, as you can 

continued on page 98 







E4t NA'^NAT, I.AMRnON 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 




Our Inside 8 
Each human body has 
more wiring, tubing, 
insulation, filters, and 
circuitry than the entire 
Bell system. Our digestive 
tract alone, if stretched 
out in one straight line, 
would allow us to have 
dinner in Fort Lauderdale, 
Florida, and pass our 
wastes in Lexington, 
Kentucky. 



OURWQNDERFUL BODIES 



by Brian McConnachie 



For a moment, mentally picture yourself standing in 
front of a full-length mirror. Behold the body. Let's, for 
the purpose of example, imagine ourselves as a national 
park, Our eyes are two ranger stations on the constant 
lookout for forest fires and rampaging bears. The face 
is our own private Mt. Rushmorc, which serves as our 
identification. Our arms and legs, giant redwoods; and 
the tufts of hair at the top of each, foliage. Toes and fin- 
gers are knotty roots, and there arc additional bushes 
growing on the top of the monument. branding firm and 
serene, we are Nature's trophy and a woodsman's para- 
dise. But now, imagine a motorcycle gang or some of 
those rampaging bears invading our picnic area (the 
stomach). Knocking over trash pails and zooming along 
unauthorized paths, they have disturbed the serenity of 
the park, and official action must be taken. The rangers 
in the ranger station are helpless to do anything for two 
reasons. First, because they cannot see the trouble (ir is 

Copyright © 2007 



directly below them)* and secondly, it is not their job. 
They are forest rangers assigned to survey everything 
and they cannot leave their posts. What will happen? 
How will this mayhem be stilled? Just then, a glacier of 
late-melting winter snow falls into a nearby stream over 
flowing the stream which in sequence flushes the motor- 
cycle gang and the rampaging bears with the force of a 
Niagara right out the front of our Rush more. 

It all seems quite simple; but it isn't. 

The human body is probably the greatest marvel in 
the wonderful world around us, Tn our wildest under- 
standings, we can just begin to comprehend the myriad, 
complex functions which go on ceaselessly, from the 
day of our birth tn the day when it all just stops. For as 
much as we have come to know about the body, there 
is that much again to learn. But thanks to modern tech- 
niques and the official cooperation of state hospitals, 
nursing homes, and prisons, our scientific explorers arc, 
National Lampoon Inc. 







The Fifteenth Islet of Langerhatis 

Magnified 2,000 times. Its job is to 
make sure that the little shelf that your 
heart rests on gets enough to cat. 



The Hernia 

Located in the lower abdomen* it is 
considered by many as Nature's 
retribution to men for already having 
given women the menstrual cycle. 



Green Corpuscles, 

resting. An important part of our body 
when we lived in the sea, green cor- 
puscles once did a thriving business 
manufacturing our scales* Displaced 
by their more imaginative red and 
vvhice colleagues, there is not much 
left for them to do. 



day by day, closing in on the mysterious, uncharted 
territories that abound within us. Perhaps one day wc 
will know all there is to know about the body; but until 
that day comes, we must content ourselves with the 
wonders of how the liver makes bile, the miracle of 
wisdom teeth, and the timely function of sweat glands. 
It has been often said and it is true: We take our 
bodies for granted. Though we pay rapt attention to our 
outside shell, wc expect our inside to do its job, as wc do 
our jobs, and not complain like older parents who some- 
times feel neglected and whine about their, condition, 
We live our lives relatively unaware of all the unbridled 
inventiveness going on inside. Only when we are forced 
to defecate or expel a mouthful of mucus or remove 
congealed darkened phlegm clinging to our nostril hairs 
do we outwardly share in the wondrous process. Silently 
and efficiently, the body docs what it must do to keep us 
on our feet in search of further nourishment. It is per- 



haps that the body's quiet labors arc conducted with 
such stealth which eventually lulls us into our under- 
standable neglect. We can't sec the functions and we 
certainly can't hear them. If our hone marrow made 
whizzing and churning sounds when it produced blood 
and our muscles made ripping and snapping noises and 
our white corpuscles gave out maniacal banshee cries 
every time they attacked invading bacteria, we would, 
no doubt, be comforted by the industrious sounds of 
craft. But that would be impractical, and the body must 
have reasons of iis own for loo ducting itself the way it 
does. Save for the faint beat of the heart and the barely 
perceptible exchange of our breath, there are no out- 
ward signs of the diligence within. One could almost 
believe ii didn't want us to know. It is always so quiet, 

But when the body wants something, there is no end 
to which it won't go. It wakes us up in the middle of 
the night if it is thirsty and makes us get it a glass of 




B|^^ ■ MM Copyright ©2007 



The Eyebrow 

Magnified fifty times* no two eye- 
brows arc alike, Though they are 
exactly alike when magnified only two 
or three times* 



National Lampoon Inc. 






The Liver 

The object of i lie raging 
debate whether the liver 
was a muscle or an organ 
has finally been settled 
recently when the liver 
was declared to be a 
gland. 




Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 




water, If it is in need of sexual release, it'll 11 lurch us all 
over town unrii ir finds its own brand of fulfillment. If 
fur some reason it becomes angry wrth us, iu recourses 
arc seemingly endless: inflate the appendix, manufacture 
gallstones, leave the air passage open when wc are eating 
bulky food, CO name but a few. It can make us walk into 
doors, hit ourselves in the thumb with hammers, make 
us jump into free/Jug cold waters. Ir can humiliate us in 
front of our friends by urinating in our clothing. It can 
malec lis fall asleep when we don't want to fall asleep. 
And while asleep^ it can scare us half to death by con- 
juring up monstrous images, tossing us ofT of a cliff or 
out of a tree. On a capricious whim, it can make just our 
Irps lull asleep, ur our eyes cross, or lower things oui OUT 
nose. It can do anything it wants. It makes up 94 percent 
of us, and there is nothing wc can do about it. Our 
meager 6 percent shell just has to go along. It can make 
us run till wc drop from exhaustion, swim fill we about 
drown, and get us into punching fights with one another. 
These arc the cold, indisputable facts, and there is no 
way around them. If we attempt to take control by 
drugging- our bodies with liquor or pills, its defenses sim- 
ply release ail of our muscle tension, and we drop like 
a placenta, But our small percent is an important percent, 
and our insides know this. As the container, wc keep it 
from slithering off in several directions at once. It is 
truly a good symbiotic relationship. And we should be 
happy, Happy because our insides arc not wicked or 
mischievous by nature* 

One has only to imagine what it would be like if we 
had, say, the insides of an elephant. We would all be 
walking around with tusks, a big funny looking trunk, 
and a silly little tail. No, our bodies, as a whole, arc 
quite serious. Sometimes they frustrate us f sometimes 
they give us joy, but we always should love them because 
they arc mar wonderful bodies. Q 



The Head 

Captured on film Is Hie inside of a 
Chinaman's brain while the Chinaman 
was attempting to pronounce the 
letter /. 




The Soul 

Once believed to he everlasting and 
the source of our interest in religion, 
the soul now busies itself with helping 
us pick out flashy clothes and R & B 
records. 



A Healthy Pancreas 

is the hardest working organ in the 
body. It filters blood, digests food, 
cleans up your stomach after meals, 
regulates the heartbeat, supervises 
over the small and large intestines, 
controls the muscles, produces cal- 
cium fur rhe bunts, kfiCpS us Walking 
in an upright position, and was 
responsible for inventing the opposable 
thumb. 




cHyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



<isl <r 






m6er how yoo buiit ydor 
^ bit by bt.6ett\m© it 
a little bigger alltuetime., 



oHur^rrM saps setwe&nr 

AMD HOW QGNEnWe YOU \AF 
OCTT5\D£ FTS UMlTOORW/^CH 
IhiTc^ AM UMVCMOWtsj ferA CE' 



JEE2 , 1 SHOULDJ^BjBe^VE 

1AM/ 




ITS WARD TO BELIEVE I COULD 
'EACK EWA 1HE MOVIES ' 




! ITS REALLY WEIRD ARDUMD 
WEISE,/ MAYB£ 60N\-EHOA/ X 
"* \M the wrong? crrv / 




XMB/Eg^AlrZgD YO) GOULD B£ ^ 
/A£.SHULTZ5 A\^^€rP^AJM-mB0Er 




I'LL 'BEHOVE/// 




Ka^B/1 



Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



NATIONAL LAMFOOH 69 



©300WE5 \97S 









WHEN Hfc WA^ PORN, 
MANY ENVItRHl^ FWLTIOM. 




I*iwv 




MAMY eJWIEI? HI* 



^ _ 



3>W 




MANY EWVfPP Wl^ PHYWCIAW . 





WHEN H£ -^OKtT , 

MANY ENVlEP H*£ WOftPt. 



ANP WHgN HB P|fcp f 
MANY tMVieP HI* 
RWCRAU. 




90 NATIONAL LAMPOON 



Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



The greatest history ever sold! 

National Lampoon's 199th Birthday Book 

( in salt- now. 





Nrttivn.it Lampoon's birthday trtbul 
a sizable nation's considerable past. One hundred nnd ninety two enormous 8 x l 
pages, over a quarter of them in breathtaking cofor, packed with the triumphs 
the giants, the colossi, yes, and the heartbreaks of plucky little America's 
struggle for world domination, make this beaulifu! book a prebicemen- 
m.ii musl for those who know their U.S. horn a hole in the ground 

On sale at ' 
newsstands nnd available now Ihruugh the mails ir 



Arfriress. 



Clty- 



THE 
NATIONAL LAMPOON, 

DEPT. B 575. 

635 Madison Avenue, 

New York, N,Y. 10022 

PI Ease rush me Ttm 199t/i Bittliiiay 8uak. 

I enclose my check ( ) money ordor ( ) for $5.95 

for each boon. 

(Nuw York City and New York State residents, please add 
applicable saies taxes.) 



- State- 



Z'e~ 



Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc 



-(Please be sur« thai yuur zip cuds* is correct.) 



COMtOUTAN 
PM/,HElNA&3X 

HEISOEAD 
TDDAU 




^S 



S^CfyoO5rfTACi3NDQVV0l5l /SScH fe 



...AN,DATWASDAfiR5T6L0W-lte 

OF/WUNDUIA71NG/WKTTOUCK. llUteTG*fl0C*A$ERVKE.ISSO 
.J^WCOWtTHEftE'SrtOUGHr- [SMflyTHDOON'rSENDUPASW- 

SWffCHIN0lSWlNEOpENTW0&L?J\pAOCANA6R0AOTDe>0P 




sMoW 
SNUFFEQ , 
LUCEAHOT 
TURObfttL 
INAICE.&0X 



'tUCjCf I HAVE. A } 
COUPtEJDitfte ! 
UptfHHAT.lU 
GETSIONEOAN 
JWAKOffTODATRWP 
DFWHOftWYHE/Wr. 




02 NATIONAL LAMPOON 



Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



-raAWKHME. 




M TNAI'I IAN MimriZ 

6-1 Opm 




ALISON STEELE 

10pm-2am 



[AVE HERMAN 

6-1 0am 




IK LAI I NEEI3 

2-eam 




1 1 SN1\ ELSAS 

Weekends 



PROGRESSIVES -noun-(pro-gress'ives), 
1. forward moving, 2. aiming at or char- 
acterized by progress, 3. designating 
an aspect of the verb as being in prog- 
ress, sometime in the pest, present, or 
future. 

Their understanding of the human ex- 
perience carries you on a musical flight 
from the past, through the present and 
into the future. They're relaxed, honest 
and sensitive. They're more than musi- 
cologists—they're a progressive ex- 
perience. Twenty-four hours a day. 

^| 1C2.7 ^ 

JM ■ METROMEDIA STEREO ■ 



I 111 FORNATALI 

toam-apm 




VINSCELSA 

Weekends 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 





/ MAV8E CRASS, 

lO^CEiW^ DE6ENBWES-A 

MEW, I KEEP A NEATSFRIPf 

CROSSE HERE /^'TWERE, 
ft/T NO OGAft Bl^ts- 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc, 








THMK VoQ ttmi fAOtH. frvp-sya A m &v& locK 



94 NATIONAL LAMPOON 




4* 



Getta 




f» 



DIVISION OF 



UNEMPLOYMENT 



Have we got a <ftB for you 

You may no( have a job right now, but J$B, that French 

Cigarette Paper Company, is making an offer you can't 

resist. 

We've put together a kit, containing four of 

our favorite easy rolling, clean smoking 

JvB papers. 

For $1, you'll receive one pack each 

of our two favorite! one lick, no * 

mess, double wide papers — White 

and Strawberry, And for you die-hard, 

traditionalist, single paper rollers, a 

pack of tfvB Wheat Straws and a pack of 

JOB 55' s white. 




JvB APPLICATION 

1 certify that 1 am over 21 years ot age. 
Adams Apple Distributing Company 
Dept. HL-02 
2835 N, Sheffield ■ Chi., 111. 60657 

So. send juk my JOE Sample Kit, I enclose my 
check or money order ior SJ to cover cost, 
postage ana handling. 

Name 



Addtess- 
City^_ — 



State/Zip- 



Only one sample ton family, please. 
Please allow four weeks lor delivery. 
Offer good only while supply lasts. 



BROUGHT TO YOU FROM FRANCE BY. ADAMS APPLE DISTRIBUTING COMPANY • CHICAGO 

Copyright Ts> 2D07 NationarCampoon Inc. 



Johnny Jones In At the Dentist 



By Leslie Cabarga 






pf WUCC CDCHR3N 



LESSON * 37 



PLACE "lOUR 

WORD BALLOONS 

CAREFULLY'. STUDY 

F)G.#1 AND FI6.#2 

TO SEE HOW THE 

COMIC MESSAGE HAS 

BEEN SUBTLY ALTERED 

ST A MISPLACEP 

WORD BALLOON. 





HG.# I 



F1G.# £ 



(^^•©CO-pgi^gViKS (p®5?ro6) S@fiQO62>0 



MOST ^OR YOUR /wOME.y! 



by to suBn"z*y 



flN^TRUCnOMS: 
ST^^T WERE, 
TWfN REfrD 
UORN\A*U-.Y, PJ>vU- 
EL M=T6G PfrN- 
£L ( POLLOUJ'i K 

m& arrows>1 — jp 




96 NATIONAL LAMPOON 



Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



Wfe think Concept rol Shields 

A Trademark 

are going to change your attitude 
about using prophylactics. 




® 



RfifHSJ 



$4.55* RETAIL VALUE FOR $1.00 

Please send me a dozen CONCEPTROL SHIELDS 

I I . r-* i I _*. _ TRADEMARK 

Latex Prophylactics. 

My preference is; Lubricated 

(check one) No n- lubricated _ 



l 



Name: 

Address:. 

City: 

State; 



Zip;. 



AGE: 18-24_ 



(Please print clearly— this is your return label.) 

25-3CL 31-35 35HK. 



CLIP ENTIRE COUPOH AND FORWARD ALONG WITH ONE DOLLAR TO: 

Conceptroi Shields Offer 
P.O. Box 36, Hicksville, New York 11802 

(Offer expires at midnight, Sept. 30, 1975.) Void where prohibited, taxed or otherwise restricted. 
This offer Is madeavailr»b|p only to persoi is over 18 years of age. I imit one per Family or customer. 

Good only in the (ISA 



I ^Manufacturer's suggested retail price. 



ML 888 



\OrtfioJ WORLD'S LARGEST LABORATORIES DEVOTED TO FAMILY PLANNING RESEARCH 



©Ouho PlwmaceiiLical CpfppratlOfl 1975 



Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 




Send check 01 money order to: Sativa 
Sales, P.O. Box 30272 ( Terminal Annex, 
Los Angeles, CaL 90U30- Allow 2 wks. 
for delivery. Arid 75c postage & handling. 
California residents add 6% tax. 

1, D Space-Clip (7-7) &3.ii0 - self- 

standing clip with 08Sy iJwiw lube 

2, D Pen Clip (7-39) $3.50" 

concealed 12" extension clip 

3, D Nockiaw Clip (7 28) $1.50 

4, D Complete Color Catalog $1 .00 

Name 



Address 
City - 

Slate ___ 



Zip . 



See page 21 for Gold „^^, 
Turkey contest rlerailn j^\ 



continued from page S4 

see. Now, what happens if you're 

somehow "found out*'? Nothing, that's 
what happens. They'll have to let you 
stay a doctor once they know you're 
on to their scam. After all, you might 
have a copy of this article stashed 
with your lawyer in case you get a AA 
Magnum French kiss or somebody 
gives you a pair of concrete tap shoes 
and a one-way boat ticket on the East 
River Short Line. And a patient can't 
tell on you because of the legal prin- 
ciple of doctor-patient confidentiality. 
So you're perfectly safe using any 
part of your National Lampoon Doc- 
tor's Privilege Kit. 

Your New Privileges as an MLD. 

Physicians enjoy three basic legal 
privileges. The first and most impor- 
tant, is the right to possess, use, buy, 
and sell any drug; and to transport it 
across every border in the Free World. 
Which is to say, "Welcome to hog 
heaven!! The free Cadillacs are over 
there between the mink bed sheets 
and the Chateau Rothschild-Lafltte 
tank car, honey, you're rollin* in it 
now!" (Incidentally, you might tip 
off a few close friends that they don't 
ever have to pay a doctor. Those med- 
ical bills with more zeros that a Strat- 
egy and Tactics final in a Syrian 
military academy are strictly for ap- 
pearance's sake — sent out by the same 
secret professional organization that 
invented the Mafia to explain all that 
dope.) Naturally, access to drugs 
means more than just personal mone- 



tary gain. Drugs are an important part 
of a modern doctor's capacity to deal 
with disease and injury. If you don't 
believe me, just try walking around in 
an emergency room full of puking flu 
victims and bloody cripples without 
popping a handful of Quaaludes first. 
Not to mention surgery! You can't 
imagine the amount of big, slimy 
organs and viscous gore a human 
body's got inside. And one slice and 
it's all over the place. Jesus, I 
wouldn't try that straight. But, you 
know, if you're really stoned and 
everything you can kind of get into it 
on a heavy primeval ooze trip kind of 
level like reading Ed Sander's The 
Family except without all the para- 
noid vibes. 

The second thing you're allowed to 
do is speed and turn left on red lights 
and roar around at night without your 
lights on and generally drive like hell 
with complete immunity from traffic 
rules and regulations. Which is a good 
thing, considering all the dope you'll 
be doing. Also, you can park by fire 
hydrants. 

The third important privilege of a 
medical doctor is the right to do any- 
thing you want to with anybody's 
body, especially girls. Perhaps you've 
noticed that women are forever hav- 
ing some or another problem with 
their personal plumbing. And, like 
most males, you've probably won- 
dered, "What gives?" I mean, you 
never hear about a guy having Pap 
smears, Wasserman tests, vaginitis, or 

continued gjlPjUggjjffl 




m NATIONAL LAMPOON 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



HOW TO 
PICK UP GIRLS! 



^JTSftfe 



featuring interviews 
with 25 beautiful girls! 



GUARANTEES YOU WILL PICK UP A GIRL IN 2 
WEEKS! 

Here is a book thai not only teaches you exactly how to pick up 
girls. It guarantees you will pick up girls. In fact wc guarantee 
you will pick up and date at least one beautiful eirl within two 
weeks of receiving this book. If you don't (or if you're dissat- 
isfied with the book in any way) just return it for a complete 
refund. Wc put youi refund in I lie mail the day we receive I he 
book. 

THE BOOK MILLIONS OF MEN HAVE BEEN WAIT* 
ING FORI 

Every day you probably see dozens of beautiful, sexy girls 
you'd Jove to pick up. Girls with long lean legs and large 
rounded breasts, Girls with sparkling blue eyes ami luxurious 
blond hair. The problem has always been, how do you break 
through the icy wall ihat always seems to exist between stran- 
gers? HOW TO PICK UP GIRLS has well over 100 answers- 
each one of them absolutely fool -proof A\ You don't have to be 
rich. You don't have to Lie good-looking. These techniques 
work for all men. All you have to do is walk up to the girl you 
have your eye on. use one of the incredibly simple techniques 
described in this book, and you will pick her up. There is sim- 
ply no way she can refuse you. Wc GUARANTEE IT! 

Here arc just a few of the more man 100 surefire techniques you 
will learn and master; • How to be sexy • Best places to pick 
up girls • How to make shyness work for you * Why a man 
doesn't have to be good- looking * How to talk dirty seduc- 
tively • Why girls get horny * Filly great opening lines * The 
greatest pick up techniques in the world • Why women are 
dying to get picked up * I low to get women to pick you up 

INTERVIEWS WITH 25 BEAUTIFUL GIRLS. 

HOW TO PICK UP GIRLS contains in-depth interviews with 
25 beautiful girls. Girls just like the ones on the cover of this 
b ook . T he y tell y o u — in their very o wn words —exactly what it 
takes to pick them up. You'll learn what to say to them. Where 
to meet them. And how to detect those subtle little signs that 
mean a girl is dying for you to pick her up. Rest assured. 
thousands of girls are dying for you to pick her up. And once 
you know who they are the rest is incredibly easy, 

PICK UP MORE GIRLS IN A MONTH THAN MOST 
MEN DO IN A LIFETIME, 

If you don't pick up at least one beautiful girl within 14 days of 
receiving this book, you can return it (for a complete refund. So 
don't delay. Get the jump on all the other guys, While they're 
standing on the corner watching all the girls go by, you'll be the 
one who knows how to move into action. HOW TO PICK UP 
GIRLS costs on I y$ 8 .9 5 - less Hum what you'd pay for an ordi- 
nary shirt. Yet so much more of a help when it comes to pick- 
ing up girts. In fact, if you love beautiful girls, this book is the 
best damn investment you can make! 
" Copyr i ght ©QOw 



HOW TO 
TOA 



LOVE 
GIRL! 




IMAGINE BEING SUCH A GREAT LOVER WOMEN 
CAN SEE IT IN YOUR EYES! 

Here is a book that can turn you into such an exciting lover, 
women will sense your powers the instant you walk into a 
room. The hook is called HOW TO MAKE LOVE TO A 
SINGLE GIRL; A Picture Book of Love, And it's guaran- 
teed to turn you into the kind of lover women just can't wait to 
go to bed with. 

OVER 160 LUSCIOUS PHOTOGRAPHS! 
HOWTO MAKE LOVE TO A SINGLE GIRL contains over 
I60photos-each one just us clear and exciting as the photograph 
above. These photographs arc large, beautiful, and incredibly 
frank, 1 hey show you— step by exciting step— exactly how to 
turn on a woman. And today lhat's more important than ever 
before. After all, today a woman expects a lot from a man. By 
the lime she's twenty she's probably been to bed with at least 
half a dozen izuys, Sti she knows when someone \s a good 
lover, and when he's not so good. 

Thai's why HOW TO MAKE LOVE TO A SINGLE GIRL 
can be such a help. Its chock full of hundreds of techniques thai 
overnight can turn you into an '"expert" at turning on a 
woman, Here arc just a few of the techniques you will learn and 
master: 

• How to get a woman to "lei herself go M * "Magic" 
caresses • The techniques of touch ♦ Stimulating a woman • 
Building feminine passion • The building of sexual power * 
Special sexual motions • Do/ens of exotic positions *How 
to take off her clothes •Rucking motions ■ The magic of 
Warm Baths • Building sexual control • Best ways to gener- 
ate passion •• And hundreds of other fantastic techniques, 
most of them illustrated with truly luscious photographs 

Most irnys think vnu have lo be good-looking or rich to attract 
lots of women. Not true!!!!! HOW TO MAKE LOVE TO A 
SINGLE GIRL will teach you how to thrill women so intensely, 
they'll see it in your eyes, recognize it in your walk, 

So just don't think about ordering HOW TO MAKE LOVE TO 
A SINGLE GIRL Really go ahead and do it. Right now. After 
all, in just one week it can turn you into such a vibrant, exciting 
lover, women will look at you in a whole new light. 

The Northern Valley Co., I>ipt- HP, PO IW 515, Tenafly N,J 07670 
D I*ve enclosed $8,95 plus 75^ postage & handling. 

Rush me HOW TO PICK UP (URLS! 
U I've enclosed % 1 2.95 plus $ I postage & handling. Rush mc 

HOW TO MAKE LOVE TO A SINGLE GIRL. 
n Rnth books »nl> $19,95 ptll&$1 postage & handling. 

Name 

Slrcct 

citv __ 



_5uue_ 



_Zip_ 



4^a*k>H€^e»nr>po#n-kn#ii — — — — - 




100 NATIONAL LAMPOON 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



t it be known throughout the land that the 
musical highlight of the year has arrived: 



if 



The Myths and Legends of 
King Arthur and the Knights 
of the Round Table" 



Also available CD*4 tjuad, 



ism 






*W UkL 



H 






iqudcs a special 12-page color 



and illustrations depicting [he legendary characters and events. 



On A&M Records 



THE GREATEST ROW ANTIC 

EXPERIENCE MAY STILL 

AWAIT YOU! 



SEXUAL BEST SELLERS 

NOW AVAILABLE CONVENIENTLY 

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THE PICTORIAL GUIDE 
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FEATURING: — 

OVER POO LARGE FULL PAGE | ._ 
FULL COLOR UNtf-HSGREO 
and UNRtTDUCHED PHOTOS 




Iftli li tu/ofiC'i Uoil-lMllnQ aci 

m*AiralJ How, a I l<m 9 lit', )ou c»™ 

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11 KrtDinii no-^i/nchii-jitiiiBd mn^ni uif* about *** in *n Ifti pVa»»* 
iri^l» variiliana wilh tfMft «•»•* '»» «*•» ptHH»JK»0** *l II*" «od*li 
— fflWdt mffl Mid H0B*H - ur*plili:illj daaTwnittarling in *«idie»f» 
•*d ntmftraua lachnlquat »l **«i*»l lo»*. MiJlhai in Hint I iter liial-*nd- 
triflf couttf DaffiQlr laixh rvu "ha adtintatf ivtirai tfl-shnln«a •*■ 
plKrill? pklujad *nd tff»e'ik»d '■* THIi fim.rfciMa book Hfntoal dim. 
nlom, JOLi mir Ham hPMP Iw ban (fern dull, routlni Hi fntu entiling 
.plioiJn nl trmiKon, talJil Jells* and QialllEcalFeA bapafld r our 
randail nopai, And iri iU »w mipcdibta aa»j hi Mlon btt'WM ** 
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THE PICTURE BOOK 
OF SEXUAL LOVE 

This is probably lh& fii si truly 
'HOW-TO' Sex Manual im Pwnlishdl 
The ifiiliiu book is compete h/ ifnvntnl 1 
to lire $tjim\ aspects of sex . . . 

FfATURMG? 
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J 02 NATIONAL LAMPOON 



Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



continued from j?«*jc 98 

yeast infections— let alone a dork- 
bleed every four weeks. But women 
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a perusal of Chapter XXXVII in 
Gray's Anatomy will show you how to 
arrange for this in your own practice. 
Complete right of physical access to 
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There a re plenty of other privileges, 
too. Doctor's orders are binding stat- 
utes tinder common law, so you can 
order people to really sit on a pickle 
or actually force them to piss up a 
rope* And you'll diagnose your own 
trick knees when we have our next 
war Or r if you wan I, they'll make you 
an officer so you can lay about colonial 
villas, getting what ever kinko sex act 
our latest foreign ally specialises in, 
while noncoms with big red targets on 
their helmets dash around the free- 
fire zone stuffing cotton wool and sulfa 
into land mine wounds, And you'll 
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numbers of beautiful movie stars. 
There are secret golf strokes known 
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pro football players who'll treat you 
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Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



NATIONAL LAMPOON 10U 



IN TIMES LIKE 

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Box 3427 Hollywood, CA 90028 



in-! NATIONAL l,ANirmr\ 



Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 




from 

SUIT UNI 
SEVENIY 




TKe publishers of the most sensational 
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Spring. Summer Toot. 1975 

117 Stark v<l I e, Mississippi 

18 H alt lea burg, Mississippi 

J9 Chattanooga, Tennessee 

21 Tuscaloosa! Alabama 

32 Johnson City, Tennessee 

23 Salem, Virginia 

28 Miami. Florida 

27 St. Petersburg, Florida 

29 Pen&acola, Ftoride 

30 New Orleans. Louisiana 
11 Lake Charles, Louisiana 

?, Shrewaport, Louisiana 

3 Dallas, Texas 

6 Oklahoma City. Oklahoma 
8 Houston. Texas 

7 Auslin, Texas 

11 Kansas City, Missouri 

12 Memphis, Tennessee 



Aplll is Wichita. Kansas 

16 St.. Louis. Missouri 

17 Lincoln,, Nebraska 

21 ,22 Santa Monica, California 

23 Phoenix. Affiona 

24 San Diego, California 
28,27 San Francisco. California 

28 Sacramento, California 

30 Spokane, Washington 

May 2 Portland , Oregon 

3 Seattle. Washington 

4 Van en Liver, Br, Columbia 

15 Salt Lake City, Utah 

16 Denver, Colorado 

20 Milwaukee. Wisconsin 

21 St. Paul. Minnesota 

23 Chicago, Illinois 

24 Cleveland. Ohio 

25 Detroit, Michigan 



May 27 Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania 



I Rochester, New York 

3 Westbury, Long Island 

4 Hartford, Connecticut 
7 New York, New York 

9 Saratoga, New York 

10 Bangor, Maine 

I I Lowiston. Maine 

17 Harshay, Pennsylvania 

19 C ha r Eeston . West V frglnla 



24 Louisville. Kenlucky 






Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



MCARECORC 






V, 



iptagraphed by Dick Frank 



Copyright© 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



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ational 




APRIL, 1971/ADVENTURE: With Derby Dames on Parade. Tarzan of the 
Real Balls magazine, Tha Philosopher Detective, Spoilers, Mexico on 5 Toilets j 
a Day, and the Cum Flakes parody. 
MAY, 19/l/FUTURE: With The NASA Stitra: A Zero Gravity Sex Manual, Toilets 
of the Extraterrestrials, Printout, me compuier magazine, and Trie 1SDS 
National Lampoon. 

JUNE, 1971/RELIGJ0N: With The Polaroid print of Dorian Gray, Big Bloasings 
Bulletin, Gahan Wilson's Holyland, O.D. Heaven, Magic Mado EZ, and a 
parody of Tho Prophet. 

OCTOBER, 1971/BACK TO SCHOOL: With the Mad parody, Rodrigues' Hire 
the Handicapped, Magical Misery Tour, The Campus War Game, School of 
Hard Sell, and 125lh Street. 

NOVEMBER, 1971/H0RHOR: With Uragula, I he Phantom ot the Rock Opnra. 
Sick Jokes ot the '70s, Gahan Wilsons Science Fiction Movie Computer, anrt 
The Incredible Shrinking Magazme. 

DECEMBER, 1971 /CHRISTMAS: With Jessica Christ, Blind-Dato Comics, This 
Is Your Lifo . . , Fjnncis Gary Powers, Trig Russian Gift Catalogue, and Edi- 
t<tnni Fantasies* 

JANUARY, 1972/13 NOTHING SACRED? With Son-o'-God Comics. The Viet- 
namese Baby Bouk, and The Last Really, No Shll Reaily, The Lasl Supplement 
lu Ihe Whole Earth Catalog. 

MARCH, 1972/ESCAPE! With Hitler In Paradise the California Supplement, 
celebrity suicide notes, the Papilson parody, Swan Song of the Open Road, 
and doing it with dolphins 

APRIL, 1972/2STH ANNIVERSARY: With tho '58 Bulgemobiles, The Playboy 
Fallout Shelter, Commie plot Comics, Frontline Oenlists, Third Base, the 
Dating Newspaper, and Amos 'n' Andy. 

MAY, 1972/MENr With How to Score with Chicks. The Men's Pages. Germane 
SpHlaine, Stacked Like Mo, Norman the Barbarian, and The Zircon As Big As 
the TafL 

JUNE, 1972/SCJENCE FICTION: With UFO. The Flying Saucer Magazine, a 
Theodora Sturgeon scl-ti story. SextraterrestrUls, The Last TV Show, Dodo 
saurs, and Gahan Wilson's Klik, 

JULY, 1972/SURPRISEI With Third World Comics, the Relugee Pages, the 
Little Black Book of Chairman Mao, How to Be a He-Man, Sermonette, and 
CoL Jingo's Book ol Big Ships. 

AUGUST, 1972/THE MIRACLE OF DEMOCRACY: With True Politics magazine, 
The Coronation of King Dick, Gahan Wilson's Miracle of Seniority, and Tales 
of the South comics, 

SEPTEMBER, 1972/BGREOOM: With The Wide World ot Meat, Our Wliitu 
Heritage. Bland Hotel, Ihe / Ctofnk, National Geographic parody, and the 
President's Brnther comic. 

OCTOBEH, 1972/HEMEMBER THOSE FABULOUS SIXTIES? With Bob Dylan 
and Joan Baez in Zimmerman comics, Tom Woifo in Watts, and a long* 
suppTB&eQd Holllng Stones album 

NOVEMBER, 1972/DECADENCE; With Sgt, Shriver's Bfeedtn£ tfoarls Club 
Band, Defeat Day, the Moaf Cheas Set, the Fetish Supplameni, and Adlai 
Stevenson in Remnants-of-Dignity Comics. 

DECEMBER, 1972/EA5TEB; With Son-o'-God comlcR #2. Chris Miller's Girt 
of the Magi, Great Moments In Chess, Diplomatic Etiquette, and The Special 
Irish Supplement. 

JANUARY, 1973/OEATH: With The Adventures of DeacJman, Piaydoad maga- 
zine, Children's Suicide Lattors to Santa, the Last-Aid Kit, plus Bobbie Fisher 
Shows You How to ueat Death. 

MARCH, 1973/SWEETNESS AND LIGHT; With the National Inspirer, tho 
Young Adorablcs, My Own Stamp Album, Pharmacopoeia, and Nice Things 
About Nikon. 

APRfL, 1973/PREJUDICE: With Anti-Dutch Hate Literature, All in do Pambly. 
The Shame of the North, Profiles In Chopped Liver, Surpristt Poster #4, and 
Ivory magazine. 

MAY, 1973/FRAUD: With the Miracle Monopoly Cheating Kit, Borrow This 
Book, The Privileged Individual income Tax Return, and Gahan Wil&on's 
Curse of tho Mandarin. 

JUNE, 1973/VIQLENCE: With the seven Secret Japanoso Techniques of Self 
Defense, Kit 'n Kabeodla Comics, Gun Lust Magazine, and Rodrfguos' 
Hamophunntes. 

JULY, 1973/SCJENCE AND TECHNOLOGY: With Popular Workbench, Techno- 
Tactics, Non-Polluting Power Sources. National Science Fair Projects, and 
the Jersey City Exposition of Progress, Industry & Freedom. 
AUGUST, 19T3/STRANQE BELIEFS: With Psychology Today parody, Son-o"- 
God Comics #3, Gahan Wilson's Strange Beliefs of Children, and Rublngton's 
Fuzz Against Bunk. 

SEPTEMBER, 1973/POSTWAR: With Lite parody, Nazi Regalia for Gracious 
Living, Whitedove comics, Vichy Supplomont, Guerre Magazine, and Military 
Trading Cards. 



BER. 1973/DANANA ISSUE. WHAT?; With Saga of the Frozen North. G, 
,„ji\ Uddy-Agent of C.R.E.E.P., Amtrak Model Train Catalog. Tales of 
■Jotzlin High School, Tho Don Juan School of Sorcery, nnd B. Kllban's Turk. 
NOVEMBER, 1973/SPORTS: With Sports Illustrated pondy, Character Building 
Comics, Doc Fccney's Scrapbook of Sports Oddities, Specialty Sporte Mag- 
azines, 1976 Olympic Preview, A( "Tantrum" O'Neil's Temper Tips, and 
Bat pay. 

DECEMBER, 1373/SELP-INDULGENCE: With the National Lampoon Building, 
Our Sunday Comics, Me Magazine, An AngJo-Saxon Christmas, Practical Jokes 
for the Very Rich. How Ed Subitzky Spent His Summer, and Poonbear 
FEBRUARY 1974/5TRANGE SEX: With National Lampoot, First Lay Comics. 
Marilyn Monroe Calendar, Split Beaver Section, Sex Pornographicum, Terry 
Southern anh William Burroughs. 

MARCH, 1974/sruPlD: With the Stupid Aptitude Test, Kancer Kare Kosruutics. 
This Stupid Group, and Stupid News A World Report. 

APRIL, 1974/TRAVEL: Willi Gahan Wilson's Paranoid Abroad, Airline Magazine, 
Amish In Space, RMS Tyrannic" Brochure. 146 Countries You Can't Visit, and 
Welcome to Ghecseburq, 

MAY, 1974/SOlh ANNIVERSARY: With Son-o'-God Meets Zimmerman, New 
Bulgemobiles. Da Vinci's Notebook VoL II, Another True Western Romance, 
Rodrlgues' Handicapped Sports, and National Anthems Encores. 
JUNE. 1974/FOODi With The Cookinq of Provincial New Jersey, Weighty 
Waddters Magazlna, The Joys of Wite-tastlng, Digester's Reodsr i and A Brief 
Guide to America's Top New Eating Spots. 

JULY, 1974/ DESSERT; With Famine Circle Magazine, Gahan Wilson's Baby 
Food, Corporate Farmers 1 Almanac, Rodriguez' Gastronomlque Comlque, and 
Guns and Ssndwicnas Magazine, 

AUGUST, mVlSOLATJONlSM AND TOOTH CARE; With Agnewe A Very Siz- 
able Advance, Seed Magazine, Executive Deleted, Soul Prinks, Surprise Poster 
#7, and True Menu, 

SEPTEMBER, 1974/OLD AGE: With Unexciting Stories, Rodrigues* Senior Sex. 
Oid Ladles' Home Journal, and Batlart Comics. 

OCTOBER, T974/PUBESCENCE: With VD Comics, Nancy Drew Moats Paffy 
Hearst, MasUirhation Funnies, and Tampon Period Piece. 
NOVEMBER, 1974/CIVfCS: With The Rockefeller Art Collection. Prison Farm. 
Constitutional Comics, and Watergale Down. 

JANUARY, 1975/NO ISSUE: With Negligent Mother Magazine, Bruce McCatl's 
Zeppelin, First High Comics, Watergate Trivia Test, and Night of the Iceless 
Capades. 

FEBRUARY, 1975/LOVE AND ROMANCE: With American Bride Magazine. Goinp 
Down and Gntlfng Otf with Brando, Hisloria rie Amor, An Evening at Dingle- 
berries, and The St. Valentine's Day Massacre. 

MARCH, 1975/GOOO-BYE TO ALL THAT: Wlih Barbar and His Enemies. Gone 
With the Wind '75, Englandland. The '75 Nobels, The Hotel Throckmorion, and 
Tne New Yorker Parody. 

APRIL, 1975/CAR SJCKNEsS: With Warm Rod Magazine, Henry Ford's Diary, 
Beep, the Bad Little Bus. The 1906 Bulge Buggies, The Tunnel Policemen's 
Bail, and Gahan Wilsons Shoes. 

J" 



Tl IE NATIONAL LAMPOON 
Dopt, NL575, 635 Madison Avonue, New York, N.Y, 10022 
Send me the following: 
No. of copies issue 
Apr, 1971 



No. of copies Issue 

„_ Oct,, 1972 



No. of copies issue 
Feb., 1974 



May. 1971 Nov., 1972 Mar,, 1971 

June, 1971 Dec, 1972 Apr., 1974 

Oct, 1971 Jan., 1973 Mav. 19/4 

Nov., 1971 Mar.. 1973 j un V lg?4 | 

OflC. f97f Apr, W3 Jufy, 19T4 { 

. Jan.. T97? May. 1973 Aug., 1974 

Mar., 1972 June, 1973 _ Sept., 1974 I 

Apr., 1972 July. 1973 ____ Oct., 1974 

May, 1972 r Aug., 197.1 Nov., 1974 

June, 1972 Sept., 1973 Jan., 1975 

July, 1972 „ I Oct., 1973 Feb., 1975 

Aug r , 1972 _ Nov., 1973 Mar.. 1975 

Sept., 1972 I Dec. 1973 Apr,, 1975 J 

I enclose a total of $ at $1 for each copy requested. | 

This amount covers purchase plus shipping and handling. 

My name ^____^ j 

Address m j 

City ^State^ Zip 



Copyright © 2007 National Lampoon Inc. 



Presenting a new chapter in the life 

of Judy Collins: 

An album of fascinating and diverse musical interpretations: Mick Jagger and Keith Richard's 

"Salt Of The Earth" ; Steve Goodman's classic, "City Of New Orleans" ; Stephen Sondheim's 

"Send In The Clowns"; the nostalgic, "1*11 Be Seeing You" and "Brother, Can You Spare 

A Dime" An album of fresh personal insights: "Born To The Breed!* Judy's song to her son; 

"Song For Duke" Judy*s own memorial to Duke Ellington. An album of colors, moods, 

and emotions as only Judy Collins can express them. Produced by Arif Mardin. 

On Elektra Records & Tapes* 

Judith. 








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The taste that only KGDL has. 

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Warning; The Surgeon General Has Determined 
That Cigarette Smoking Is Dangerous to Your Health. 



Kings & Longs, 17 nig. "lar," 1 .3 my. nicotine, av. per cigarette, 1 1 C Report Oct. 74 
Copyright ©2007 National Lampoon Inc.